Another voice chiming in that she sounds like she’s depressed.
My own backstory: Nearly two years ago, found out we couldn’t have children which was devestating to us both, but while I tried to make the best of the situation, Mr Cazzle opted instead to wallow in his own misery. He stopped talking to me (not in a hostile way, just simply failing to notice my existence) unless I was talking about going out somewhere without him, when he would beg and whine for me to stay with him. He would close the blinds of the house whenever I opened them. When visitors came, he’d spend 5 minutes with them and then disappear back to the computer room if he even came out at all, and on more than one occassion he sent people away without letting them in. He spent most of his time on the computer and a few times I resorted to IMing him because it was the only way I could get him to notice that I was talking to him. It was ugly, but I recognised that he was going through a major depressive episode and I was committed to being there for him, trying to get him to sort himself out. I spent the weekends trying everything to get him to leave the house, even for a walk around the block but he refused and just sat there. As a result of this and other things going on in my life, my own depression got out of control and I simply stopped doing anything. The house was a mess, I was a mess and I couldn’t get myself up and about to do anything to change it. Mr Cazzle would periodically complain about the mess, but as he made most of the mess and did nothing to help clean up or keep the place clean, I pretty much ignored his complaints.
So, as time went on, Mr Cazzle’s depression affected us both more and more severely - his lack of interaction with me made me more depressed, which resulted in less housework being done, which resulted in Mr Cazzle resenting me more. The problem was, in his mind I caused his depression by neglecting the house, but I remember it very differently and I still believe that his neglect of our relationship due to his depression over his inability to have children set the cycle in motion. I guess it’s a moot point.
Anyway, when he finally acknowledged that he had a problem I hustled him off to councelling but he didn’t actually try - after two sessions, he declared himself “cured!”. He did agree to try getting out and about more, and we spent a lovely weekend in the Dandenongs that seemed to restore some of his spirit, but the following weekend’s activity was to attend a party thrown by one of my friends, and at that party they got drunk and embarked on an affair which subsequently ended our marriage. Depression is too selfish to realise that a grubby little fling with my friend would bring him fleeting pleasure and me lasting misery, and I think he was beyond caring about anyone aside from himself at that point in time.
Since then - and despite his assertation that he bitterly regrets ending our marriage and that he would have liked to win me back - he’s a lot happier, and it’s because he’s doing all the things I kept urging him to do for all that time. He’s unable to cope being alone so he’s working his way through a series of girlfriends, and each time he meets someone new they go places, do things and have fun together. He’s meeting people, he’s getting out in the fresh air and seeing new things and (despite the weeping about regretting ending our marriage) he seems happier and healthier than he has in a long time. Recently he broke up with a girl he’d been seeing and he told me that he still felt fond of her because of all the fun they’d had, and recounted going to galleries together and dining out in Melbourne and visiting the gorgeous forest near our home and I protested “Those are all the fun things WE could have been doing for the last two years, but you wouldn’t leave the house for me!” and his face fell. It’s so frustrating to me that he simply wouldn’t listen to me, wouldn’t work on his problems and left me feeling powerless and frustrated because I couldn’t do it alone.
I’m doing better too. Despite the fact that I’m still on an emotional rollercoaster, the major cause of my depression is gone and as a result, I’m doing more. My house is tidy, I’m working, I’ve submitted an application to volunteer for the local fire department, I’m going out and meeting people on weekends (and no one makes me feel guilty for leaving the house!), I’m looking after my health and my appearance more and I’m enjoying life.
The point I’m trying to get around to is that depression is a cycle that needs to be broken. Sleeping all the time and living in a filthy house is enough to make anyone depressed. If you can find a way to break out of it, get the house clean, get out and see people and do things that you enjoy then suddenly the housework doesn’t seem so overwhelming to keep up with, you don’t need to sleep as much and life improves all round. The problem is that when you’re depressed, the idea of doing those things that you need to do to feel better is daunting, horrifying and unappealing. It’s not something anyone else can do for you, it’s something you need to do yourself and it’s very difficult to take the first steps that you need to take in order to change. Support from your loved ones is important - feeling attacked on top of being depressed does not help.
But there does come a point when you have to choose whether or not to stay and wait for your partner to pull themselves together, or to walk away for your own sanity. I should have walked… he wasn’t worth waiting for.
I hope that wasn’t too rambling and incoherant.