The first divorce is the hardest, but once done your only regret will be the delay before it.
She’s either depressed or she’s not happy in her marriage (which may or may not be one and the same thing). If she’s not willing to get help or change her ways, you need to decide if the marriage is worth it. Maybe an ultimatum will give her the motivation to look at the situation a little more seriously. Good luck.
I’m assuming you’ve communicated your displeasure with her? If not, do so immediately. Write a list of what you expect her to do if you must. But do not continue to allow her to drag you down. If she will not see a therapist or change her behavior, I’d opt for a separation to see if that jars her into action. Seriously, depression or not, sleeping til 4pm and sponging off of anyone is not acceptable. Quit enabling her.
And, for the love of all that is holy, use protection if you have sex. As **Dangerosa ** said, the last thing this marriage needs is a baby.
I just thought of something- is she on the Pill? Has she started taking the Pill or switched brands recently? Some forms of the Pill can cause depression or make it worse. If that might be what’s going on, she might want to change Pill brands. This site says that Pills with lower progestin levels are less likely to cause or aggravate depression.
YMMV, but Zovia had me in tears over nothing a lot of mornings (my depression has always been at its worst early in the morning). When I switched to a different brand, that went away.
I had a similar situation with a roommate (not the same as a spouse, I know, but similar in this context.) When we moved in we both sat down and discussed what was going to be expected of each of us. We both signed papers stating that we would uphold our end of the living together situation. She failed miserably. She didn’t have a job for more than 6 weeks during the entire year that we lived together, she left prescriptions meds on the floor and I would come home to find my cat playing with them, she would leave the coffee pot on for days at a time, never once cleaned anything, etc. I would talk to her about it and she would get kind of pissy and then she would justify in her mind by saying things like, “Well, pbbth doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She isn’t here all day to see all the things I do around here!” Finally, about 4 months before our lease came up I started talking to her about finding someplace else to live. It took 2 months and several crying sessions and I finally had to tell her, “You will either find another place to live or you will pay the rent here alone because I can’t live with you anymore.” She needed to hear those words before she understood I was serious and not just bitching about nothing. We don’t live together any longer and my life is infinately better because we are just casual friends now. I am not saying that you need to kick your wife out, but telling her, “We can handle this one of two places, the councilor’s office or a divorce lawyer’s office” might give her enough of a push to do something about it.
Also, please tell me you have a prenup! I hope you can work it out but if you can’t I hope you are at least somewhat protected.
I’ll repeat the advice to (strongly) suggest to her that she seek counselling (and a medical check-up might not be a bad idea). You married her for a reason, way back then, and you may not be in touch with those feelings right now given her current behavior and the emotional distance between the two of you. But for the sake of who you both were 1+ years ago, try for a while to seek a solution that improves both your qualities of life. Good luck.
You are too late on the asking, me bucko! Shoulda asked before you got married. My marriage advice? DON’T!
Did your wife work before your wedding and quit when you married?
Another vote for “clinical depression or something physical”. How does she spend most of her waking time?
Having suffered from clinical depression and having recently been diagnosed with narcolepsy* I can tell you flatly that there have been times when if I hadn’t HAD to work I wouldn’t have, but it was never an option if I didn’t want to live with relatives/friends. It sounds like your wife is hoping that the situation will resolve itself once she has a “rest”.
*[PSA]Most people, including me before my diagnosis, think of narcolepsy as the disorder like the Argentinian had in Moulin Rouge- you’re walking along just fine and then SPLAT, youe out like a light. That is a type of narcolepsy (called cataplectic narcolepsy)- it’s the most severe and it’s very rare though it’s also the easiest to diagnose.
Narcolepsy is actually a family of disorders. The most serious symptom in my own is that I simply can’t wake up like most people. I was ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS late to work in the mornings and it was an enigma to my employers: they loved the work that I did when I got there so much that they kept me, but the annoyance of coming in an hour or two late many days [even though I was always willing to stay late to make it up] had them on the verge of firing me and got me constant write-ups. After thinking I was just an undisciplined sleepy-head for my entire life I found out that it was a neurological condition, the short version of which is that waking up is a chemical process and my wake-up proteins/chemicals are abnormal. I now take medication and it has made a WORLD of difference; I won’t say that it’s a miracle cure, I’m still groggy as all hell in the morning, but I can actually be out of bed and showered and to work on time even if it’s particularly early so long as I set the alarms and take my pill immediately upon waking (it takes a while to go into effect).
The reason I mention this isn’t just to be self-referential but to illustrate a type of sleep disorder that many aren’t familiar with. If your wife isn’t suffering from depression (or even if she is) there’s a good chance she’s suffering from a disorder that causes Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (EDS) and there are many disorders ranging from psychological to emotional that cause this. It’s very possible she has no idea she’s different than other people and thinks she’s just lazy and shiftless, and most importantly it’s treatable. She needs to seek treatment if she’s always sleepy or tired because it might be a purely physiological thing.
Or there’s the old MISS CELIE ADVICE: “Beat her.” (Of course that didn’t turn out too well for Harpo, did it? :rolleyes:
The second year of my marriage I could have been on the receiving end of the OP’s frustration. The first year we spent apart, and the second I had just relocated to be with Mr. Wild and for various reasons did not believe I could get a job. (Bad advice about a green card, and failure on my part to question it…) I was definitely clinically depressed. Also on the pill. And uninsured. Boy, that was a fantastic year. I just could not seem to function normally, and couldn’t rouse myself to do what it’d take to break out of the depression.
We got through it. I got a job, with insurance benefits, and I was able to function more normally again. But if he’d given up on me in that first screwed up year, I really wouldn’t have blamed him. If we hadn’t gone through all the effort for me to emigrate, he probably would have given up.
I don’t really have any advice, but that’s my bit of perspective. I guess wanting to make it work, and wanting to work and pull my weight in the marriage were probably a pretty big deal, along with his determination to tough it out.
Have you had a non-confrontational talk with her and asked her what’s going on with her, that she isn’t doing what she said she’d do and you’re worried about her?
I came in here to say that she does sound possibly depressed. Also, though, the depression might be caused by her not working. Being at home alone all day is very isolating, and social isolation exacerbates depression. At work, a person is (hopefully) in frequent contact with nice, friendly-ish people with whom they can have work and social interactions. Even if work sounds like an un-fun thing in general, the social aspect of it can be very important. I went back to work while still somewhat depressed. The increased human interaction helped. Maybe she could find a part-time job, or volunteer doing something she enjoys?
[hijack]
Even without getting so far, I have a Scientific American I’ve kept since I was 17 because it made me feel so much better about not being able to party three nights in a row :p. One of its articles is about the effect of shift-work and one of the things it says is that “about 15% of people are unable to shift their sleep cycle”. I’m one of those people: it doesn’t matter whether I’ve gone to bed at 8pm or 3am, I still wake at 6am-sun-time! Once I figured out that, I learned to try and get in bed about 10pm so I have time to get my beauty sleep (or at least, not go to bed at 3am three nights in a row, otherwise by the third morning I’m a useless rag).
Several of the best managers I’ve had were perfectly happy letting one person work 8am-4pm and another noon-8pm… it got the work done better!
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I’d talk to her first, then go to a doctor. If there is a physical problem, those are usually easier to fix.
I can certainly relate to a lot of those. Some on the receiving end.
I have to ask, what does she do during her waking hours? It is probably something very unfulfilling, and that’s not helping her (probable) depression. I’d say something drastic needs to take place, she needs to realize you’ll dump her if she doesn’t improve, and you need to realize that too. She absolutely needs to get this.
What’s her take on this? Does she assign all blame to her? (I imagine she doesn’t).
As for my own story, me and my partner separated, realized we were miserable, and are now both very much better off. Frankly now I see signs of these things and realize they’re happiness-breakers, and don’t tolerate them.
So, do you think you’ll be able to get her in to the doctor to check her for things that might be causing her to have zero energy and motivation? Low thyroid hormones, the sleep disorders that Sampiro mentioned, maybe low blood sugar, any number of physical things could be affecting her. If she gets a clean bill of health otherwise, then I would say it’s probably depression, too, and she can feel much, much better with a combination of medication and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (and just basically getting her ass out the front door). If she won’t do anything to help herself (and her husband), then there will come a point where you need to decide if you want to sink with her, if she won’t try to swim.
I think that, if I didn’t work, I would be something like the OP’s wife. Some people just aren’t cut out to stay at home.
Few questions-
- How old are you both?
- Did she work before you got married?
- Did you move?
- Do you guys drink/drug?
- Does she have a car?
- Has she had health issues in the past?
- What does she say when confronted?
- Is her behavior different than before you married?
Impossible to give advice with so little to go on.
When is the OP going to come back and answer all of our questions???
Yoo hoo! pope_hentai! You there?
sorry i dissappeared, my wife found this threap while puttering around here on tha dope, and we had a long talk, and got alot of things worked out finally, i’m making adjustments and so is she, so things are lookin up in the hentai household!
Good luck! And I’m happy that you guys got a good talk in. 