Me and my husband have a ton of problems. We see marriage as very different things. He’s sitting here with me now and we’re looking for some opinions. He thinks that I have a warped view and I think he’s the one with the warped ideas.
So, please give us your opinions on these situations.
He feels like I boss him around. I don’t think that what I ask is bossing him around. I got upset with him last week because he slept late.
He works six days a week, Sunday is his only day off. He wakes up at 3:00 A.M. every day that he works. Every Sunday for three weeks he slept late and I didn’t say anything about it. Every day my two kids wake up early and they attack immediatly. I would have liked it if my husband got up at least once to help me with the kids, he didn’t. That is why I’m upset. He thinks that I shouldn’t have expected him to get up at the same time I do. He thinks that in asking him to get I’m telling him what to do. He wants me to make sure that I tell you he does help when he’s up. My problem is that I would like more help in the morning. By the time he wakes up, the washing machine is already loaded, the kids are dressed, teeth are brushed, hair is combed and breakfast is made and nearly cleaned up. What do you think ?
His family hates me. His sisters are evil and they insult and critize me every chance they get. They alway make sure that we know how much they hate me. They have gone so far as to tell my husband that he should divorce me and that I’m lazy since I’m a stay at home mom. He never defends me. This hurts my feelings. He says he doesn’t say anything becasue he wants to stay neutral. I wish he would at least tell them that they don’t need to like me, but that they should stop saying such mean things. Is it wrong for me to ask this ?
Sex is an issue. If he’s doing something in the bedroom that is uncomfortable to me, he gets upset if I tell him to stop or change the way he’s touching me. He says that I shouldn’t be saying anything about it. He thinks he should know exactly what feels good to me. He says it’s because he wants to be better then the other guys I’ve dated and when I tell him what feels good it makes him feel bad. But in my opinon, he has no way of know what feels good, if I don’t tell him. What do you think ?
Please tell us if you are a male or female when you answer, my husband thinks it makes a big difference.
female here, married almost 25 years.
You folks have some problems. Problem one: your husband is working SIX DAYS A WEEK. That’s bound to take an enormous toll on everyone. Him, because he’s working way too much. You, because you’re in the posiiton of being married but essentially a single mother. And your kids, because dad isn’t there and when he is, he must be stressed to the max.
Problem two: he needs to be able to sleep in once a week and not get nagged about it BUT you need some free time without the kids or more help with them.
Problem three: your body, your rules. If you don’t like it, he can’t do it. No compromise on this one.
You two need a major realignment of your life and marriage. Can’t help you with the how, but you better get on it or you’ll be writing alimony checks to one another soon.
Female, twice married (still in second marriage - for good!)
OK
Point 1. Since you’re asking, I have to side with your husband on this one. If the man works 6 days a week, and gets up at the ungodly hour of 3 am, I think it’s reasonable for him to want to sleep in on Sundays. You don’t say what time he sleeps until (I’m betting 9 or 10), but that schedule has to be a killer, and one day to recoup isn’t unreasonable. You say that you have a ton of things done by the time he wakes up. So if you really need his help with some of them, why not put them off until he wakes up? If not, I’m sure there are other things he helps you with after he wakes up. But (IMHO, of course) it’s not fair to blame him that you’ve done a crapload of stuff by the time he wakes up.
I know what vile inlaws are like, and I know the pain of watching the hubby sit idly by while someone makes your life miserable. If he disagrees with what they’re saying, a well-stated “My wife is my wife, and you will not disrespect her,” is not a lot to ask. That said, you can’t expect him to turn his back on his family either. He has emotional responsibilities to both. But he should definitely make it clear that you are deserving of respect, and that you have his full emotional support.
My opinion? Sounds like a confidence issue on his part. If you don’t like it, by all means you should (NICELY) state that what he’s doing isn’t doing it for you. That doesn’t mean slap him on the back of the head and say “Knock that off!” or “I’m not a friggin radio!” But, when you do tell him what you do or don’t like, he should of course make every attempt to accept and act on that. I know that when my ex and I were intimate, he would give me “directions” “do this now, do that. Move up there, turn that way, go this way,” and it was horrible. Discussing what both of you like/dislike while not actively engaged in the act is probably more conducive (and less likely to be emotional) than barking out commands during the deed.
After your thread about your husband still being friends with the woman that called you and your kids slobs, I’m starting to think he’s not such a catch.
However, you are married to him and you have children. IMO, trying to help your marraige and keep it together is a good thing. Probably should be done with real-life counseling instead of seeking advice from message-boarders, though.
You might try asking your husband why he doesn’t stick up for you to others who disparage you. Is he not fully committed? Does he agree with them? Or is he just a wimpy puss who doesn’t like confrontation?
I suggest counseling, and soon. Or it could and most likely will get ugly between you two. Which is not cool when you have kids.
Me and my husband have a ton of problems. We see marriage as very different things. He’s sitting here with me now and we’re looking for some opinions. He thinks that I have a warped view and I think he’s the one with the warped ideas.
So, please give us your opinions on these situations.
He feels like I boss him around. I don’t think that what I ask is bossing him around. I got upset with him last week because he slept late.
** Issue 1- I think that if he gets up that early every other day to head to work, he should get to sleep in on his day off. That’s just my opinion, but I also don’t have kids and can’t relate in that way. If you want help with the laundry on that particular day, then change the schedule to do it later in the afternoon. If there is no real emergency going on, I don’t think spouses should make a sleep schedule for each other- bedtime or wake up time. One day off a week? Let the guy sleep in.**
His family hates me. <snip>
I wish he would at least tell them that they don’t need to like me, but that they should stop saying such mean things. Is it wrong for me to ask this ?
** No, it’s not wrong to ask it, and I wonder about someone who would allow others to talk that way about their spouse. Look, he doesn’t have to do a big fight defending you, but at the very least he should cut those conversations off at the start and refuse to be the audience for them. It goes like this:
:sister: “So, when are you going to divorce that no good so and so…”
::husband: “Look, you’ve made your feelings about her abundantly clear, and I no longer care to listen to you speak about her like that. She is my wife, I love her, and I’ve heard enough. Let’s have this be the last conversation that takes this turn.” ::subject change:: **
Sex is an issue. If he’s doing something in the bedroom that is uncomfortable to me, he gets upset if I tell him to stop or change the way he’s touching me. What do you think ?
** I think he takes your direction as criticism and needs to get over it, or you need to deliver your wants/needs differently. You may want to focus more on telling him what you like rather then emphasizing what you don’t like, if that helps any. But he needs to be mature and realize that sex is an ongoing learning opportunity, and not some weird highschool competition of “who’s better”. What your exes did with you in bed is irrelevant to your current situation. He should be glad he has a wife that will express her wants and needs, IMHO, and I hope he does the same. **
Please tell us if you are a male or female when you answer, my husband thinks it makes a big difference.
I’m female, 33, and happily married. It sounds to me, if I may, like you could use some serious communication skills (both of you) and a lot less drama. I mean, all this with his sisters and rude friends- some things you just have to let go and move on. Pick your battles, in other words.
Due to a serious back injury, Ivylad is now the stay-at-home parent. The kids are old enough not to need day care.
We’re pretty good about letting each other take naps and such. I like to take a nap on the weekends in the afternoon, and because of Ivylad’s injury/pain/meds, sometimes he can’t sleep for two or three days. When he can sleep, I don’t wake him unless he needs to get up for an appointment.
As for number 1, the guys is working 6 days a week and getting up at the ungodly hour of 3am so you can be a stay at home mom. For God’s sake, let the poor man sleep.
As for number 2, this would be a deal breaker for me. If you and your husband are not each other’s best cheerleaders and if you don’t have each other’s back, even against family members, then you have serious problems. Case in point, Ivylad’s mom once snapped at me for something. I gave him a look and left the room.
A few minutes later she came over and apologized. If you can’t depend on your spouse to stick up for you, who can you depend on?
#3—He’s not a mindreader, for heaven’s sake. Bitching because you want it a little more left or not quite so rough screams insecurity to me.
I would suggest counseling for the two of you. If he won’t go, go by yourself.
Female, 30, married almost 9 years. Two kids, almost-4 and 1.
Six days a week is really hard on a guy, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want to sleep in. (FTR, DangerDad is currently working very hard, often six days a week, and is exhausted. He really needs to sleep in when he can, but it is a little hard on me, so I see where you’re coming from here.) The best solution would be for him to work less if possible. If that’s not going to happen, I would advise you to let him sleep in, leave a couple things for him to do, and let him take the kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon while you run off and get some time. Or, he could be doing a majority of the putting-them-to-bed stuff.
Question: do you two get any ‘date time’ alone? We’ve finally gotten a regular babysitter for Saturday evenings, and it’s so great–even though we haven’t stayed out past 8pm yet, we just go hang out at a bookstore and get a smoothie or something.
He should not ‘stay neutral.’ You two are a unit now, and his loyalty is to you. He has to be on your side if his family feels the need to criticize. Marriages break up over this issue alone. He has to work himself up to telling his family that their treatment of you is unacceptable; by his silence, he is implying agreement and encouraging them to hope that they’ll win.
Training can be helpful here. For example, he can try telling them that criticism of his wife is not going to be accepted any more, and that the conversation will be over as soon as it happens. If he’s at the house, he leaves; if they’re on the phone, he hangs up. After a few times, they’ll probably get the message and quit, unless they’re SuperEvil (which may well be the case). This has worked well for my BIL and his mom in a different area.
What TellMeI’mNotCrazy said.
Good luck. Happy vibes headed your way from the DangerHousehold…
Oh, PS- my first husband was the non-confrontational type. His family LOATHED me because I was neither Italian nor Catholic, and said unbelievably bad things about me. He never, ever- even once, asked them to stop or backed me up. That would be one big reason he is an ex-husband. Spouses are partners, and one should not allow others to disparage the other, period. That doesn’t mean knock down drag out fight, but it does mean saying “Hey, knock that off. I’m not going to listen to that!” and meaning it. I never forgave my ex for just sitting there like a lump while they slung it at me. I felt like he must agree if he didn’t disagree. There was no united front presented, so they felt free to continue driving a wedge between us. It certainly worked.
Male, married for three years but with the same woman for 10.
Point 1) Absolutely in his favor. Though I’m not working at the moment, my wife is and even after not holdinga job in years I still get up on her days off and keep the kid busy to let her sleep in. For hours.
Point 2) I have nothing to say on this one as I think her family is insane and annoying and I rarely speak to my own. Usually on major holidays.
Point 3) As Zette said, I think this is a communication thing for both of you. Sex is a damned difficult subject, so you need to spell everything out real clear to each other.
Female, married going on 15 years, mrAru reading over shoulder so I will channel him also.
Both - Let the poor man sleep until he wakes up on sunday. He works hard enough. Do the laundry later, or deal with doing everything yourself until he wakes up.
me - do you have to do all your laundry on sunday, or do you spread it out? We have a tiny washer dryer and I do a load about every other day.
Both - Dude, tell off your family. Who you marry is NONE of their business, YOUR loyalty is to YOUR wife first and foremost.
mrAru - I have told my stepmother and father off for dissing Aru and they don’t call me any more unless THEY want something. IMHO, no great loss. I married her and it was my choice, not theirs.
Me - My stepmonster-in-law is a cast iron bitch, and mrAru is way happier with her not even speaking to him. She kept trying to get him to divorce me for the first year and an half of our marriage on the grounds that I was married before and was dating him before the divorce was final and therefore was a slut…and would cheat on him…yet she screwed around with mrAru’s dad before he was even separated. Pot, meet Kettle…
Both - Dude, you are not competing with who she dated before, you WON. Relax and have fun. Let her tell you what she likes and you tell her what you like…YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE IN BED or it just doesn’t work. You CANT read her mind, so how in the hell can you tell what she finds UNCOMFORTABLE if you wont listen to her…at least she is willing to tell you what she likes!!! You know how unusual this is with how our girls are raised to think any talking about sex is dirty!!!
Me - dude, get some good porn, watch it toggether and discuss what looks like fun if you dont want to listen to her while you are actually in bed. If she says it hurts, fergoshsakes STOP. You want her to start HATING the idea of going to bed with you because you treat it like a notch on the bedpost and ignore what she wants and hurt her all the time? Sheesh, CLue by 4, meet MrDragon!!!
Married, age 26, husband’s 27, married for 5 and a half years. Pretty happy but we’ve had our bumps and bruises along the way.
It would really help if I had more information, but here’s how I see it so far:
I’m with him on this one. I’m assuming you stay at home with the kids. That’s awesome, btw. He works 6 days a week. Yes, you are working hard too. However, you don’t go to work with him and help him, do you? For right now, your job is the house, the cooking and apparently most of the child rearing. His job is to keep all you fed, clothed, sheltered and the lights on. Few are the men that will get up at 3am and go to work, believe me. All he wants is to sleep in one day a week, and that is NOT too much to ask, at all. (I also believe that, in the case where one spouse stays home and the other works, it’s not too much to ask to have dinner ready, or at least started, when they get home from work, but that’s another ball of wax.)
Your husband is in the wrong on this one. When you got married, you said (presumably) “forsaking all others.” This means your wife comes before your family. You need to inform your sisters that they are talking smack about YOUR WIFE, the mother of your children, and you will not tolerate it. They are free to think what they will, but when you and/or your wife are around, you expect them to treat her with respect. Get up in their faces ONE time and I bet anything they will change their tune. Spouses have a lot to do with how much their families respect the people they are married to. If you aren’t sticking up for her, you are sending your family the message that she deserves to be talked about that way. There is no “neutral” – you promised to be on her side. If you let your family slam her, guess who will follow suit? Your kids, I guarandamntee you. They need to see their father defending their mom.
I’m with whoever said it sounds like the husband has some confidence issues. Dude, you’re not meant to be a mind reader in bed. You’re not a bad lover for not knowing automatically what turns her on, and she’s not putting you down when she tells you she doesn’t like something. Good sex takes WORK, lots of it. Go to Borders and get a few sex books and start reading them together. (If you’re shy, just get 'em from amazon.com.) Go without other goodies if you feel like you can’t afford the books. Your marriage can’t afford sex being placed on the back burner.
I insist you buy a copy of “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and both of you read it. You also might want to check out “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley. If you can stomach her, Dr. Laura’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” can offer some good insight on just how easy it is to make a good husband feel appreciated (a good man is hard to find, but not hard to keep. Honest.). Read it, take what you like and leave the rest. In your situation, I believe it could only help.
Married 20 years in August, our oldest is 17. HubbySthrnAccent also starts his workdays at 3 a.m.
For you: Apologize to him for giving him a hard time about this and let him sleep and don’t bother him about it any more. It’s one morning a week. That one morning a week he can sleep past 3 a.m. does not have to be “jump up and get the chores done time.” You can get a slower start to the day. Let the kids have a pop tart or fruit if they are hungry the moment they wake and hold off the big morning meal until a little later if you want his help. Ditto the laundry. If he’s rested he’s going to be better help and a better companion when he is up.
For him: You really owe her an apology and some back up here. You need to speak to your family and let them know they have to knock it off and you will not be tolerating any more unkindness towards your wife. I speak from experience here. We’d been married ten years and it was the morning of the funeral of our second son. His mother made a typically critical remark. She called me cold or something like that because I wasn’t welcoming enough when her sisters and their families arrived at our home the morning of the funeral. I heard her, and just looked at him as I passed him in the entry and headed to our bedroom. He raised his voice and told her to, “give her a break” and that he didn’t want to hear anything else unkind from her again. I didn’t see her reaction, but she hasn’t been unkind to my face in the presence of my husband again. Don’t wait, you really owe your wife an apology and some support on this. By the same token, she should speak up for you to her family as well, if that is a problem.
I absolutely agree with both Abby(ies) on all three points. And I’m female and married 10 years, most of them happy (after the usual early marriage adjustments.)
My husband stood up for me the ONE time my MIL got angry/nasty with me. If he hadn’t, I don’t know if we’d have made it this far.
Dragongirl, I think your husband either doesn’t respect you properly, or else completely lacks the backbone to stand up for you, based on this thread and the one about the “slob” comment he also didn’t back you on. “Forsaking all others” indeed! Also, I hope that you are open to trying new things sexually, and don’t get all weird and prudish when he does something unexpected just because it’s different. However, if it hurts, or you really don’t like it, tell him so TACTFULLY.
Mr. Dragon, I hope I’m wrong on the respect thing, but you need to respect her, and demand others respect her, or you will lose HER respect completely. And what about your children? Do you want them to get the idea that their mother isn’t worthy of respect? And for God’s sake, listen to her needs when it comes to sex. You don’t want to turn her off sex forever. And if she’s like me, some things just plain HURT. Do you really want to hurt her?
I am in agreement with everyone else…let the man sleep in. Though I am curious about this schedule. He gets up at 3 a.m to go to work at what? 4 am, then works til what, noon? Home from work, and then what time does he go to bed? Does he nap in the afternoon? And what time on Sundays do you consider “sleeping in”…7 am? 9 am? and how late is he up on Saturday night? What time do you and the kids get up?
While many people (like my mother) believe that you should stick to the same work/sleep routine even on days off, if he’s getting less than his 8 hours a night during the week (which would mean going to bed at 7pm), it wouldn’t hurt to let him catch another few hours. How old are the kids? Unless you’re all trying to get to church on Sunday morning, stay in jammies a while longer and have bowls of cereal.
I also agree, especially in light of your other post about him going out of his way to be friendly to a woman who had insulted you, that he needs to get his alliances straightened out. The advice you have gotten above is sound…while he shouldn’t start a war, he should be very clear that he will not tolerate their disrespect, and this should not be done while you are present. He needs to be a man, even if they are his older sisters. If the person who is supposed to be your most devoted partner lets others treat you poorly, even if they are relatives, this signals a serious lack of mature adult commitment. He needs to remember who gives him sex, and who has promised to spoon-feed him and wipe his bottom if he gets hit by a truck tomorrow.
And speaking of sex, this round goes to you, as long as you are purring your instructions in his ear rather than slapping his hand away. (though “I’m not a freaking radio!” is an instruction every man needs to learn early on!) He really has a lot to learn in this department if he thinks that he should just “know” what makes you feel good and that whatever he feels like doing to you should work. No way, Jose. The best sex in the world occurs when two people not only tell each other what works, but more importantly listen and obey when someone says something is uncomfortable. He had better quit trying to be a “better lover than all those other guys” and just concentrate on being a better lover to you.
The best sex happens when you concentrate on pleasing the other person, rather than on pleasuring yourself. It is amazing what the difference is! And it’s amazing how that pleasure comes back to you fourfold! After enduring a marriage where my husband’s theory of lovemaking was that “this should feel good to you because every other woman I’ve slept with likes it, and if you don’t that means you’re frigid, because there could never be anything wrong with MY technique”, I was fortunate enough to be in a relationship with a man who really should give lessons. Because of the side effects of some medication he was taking, he could perform, but not have a grand finale, so he made it clear that whatever I wanted was what he would do, and even if he really, really liked to do something, we didn’t have to unless I wanted to too. First of all, just to be shown that consideration was wonderful, and then to be the center of his efforts rather than just the warm place to put it was amazing. I found myself having more fun and getting more pleasure out of the experience than I ever had before, and when he was off the medication I returned the favor. He was a real jerk outside of the bedroom, but even years later I get a little weak in the knees thinking about him. If more men would forget about “I’ve gotta come, and she’d better come at the same time” the bedroom would be a happier place.
I agree with everyone except for point 2. Life is not kindergarten, so who cares who is “on your side.” Let the sisters play their bitchy games and either stick up for yourself or ignore them. Not your husband’s fault or problem.
He really needs to stand up for you in front of others, and he should take your needs into consideration in the bedroom.
But… I hope you know that a man who will work 6 days a week at a physically demanding job (you’ve described it elsewhere) so he can support you financially while you stay home with kids you brought into the marriage is quite a catch in my estimation. I know that momming is a huge job too, an enormous job, and I know they’re now his kids too (at least he should treat them as such), but reality is reality. I’d be pretty upset over the Sunday thing if I were in his shoes.
Also, I really don’t think you should be describing his family as “evil”, at least not around him.
Female, divorced after 16 years. (Hey, at least I know some of the pitfalls!)
**
He works hard, six days a week. Let him get a little extra rest on the seventh. That doesn’t mean you don’t work equally hard. It’s really hard when both both partners are tired and under pressure. Trying to prove "equally’ is a no-win proposition for everybody. Pointedly protecting his rest will make him feel 1. less stressed, 2. more appreciated and 3. more prone to return the favor in other times and ways. Nobody, male or female, reacts best when feeling like they’re constantly under siege. Partnership tends to reward grace notes very highly. Builds trust.
**
There is no neutral territory on this one. He’s your husband, and judgments on your family life reflect on both of you. An attack on you is an attack on him. Your mutual decison about your staying at home with your kids is none of their business. Period. He can’t be neutral about the economics and manner of his kids’ rearing. If HE has concerns with the decision, then he needs to talk them over with you–privately. But no outside sniping permitted, ever. He’s not a neutral party in this. He agreed to the decison, and needs to stand up for it–and you, as a unit–to any outsiders, his family included. Builds trust.
**
If you can’t relax, talk and enjoy each other openly in bed, where can you? The greatest lover in the world, male or female, isn’t psychic already, and doesn’t expect to be. Your husband’s setting an impossible standard for himself, and you. (Who could possibly enjoy themselves fully with all that worrying and self-editing going on? Talk about mixed, complicated signals!) If he’s really concerned with “competing”–which is very weird right there–why in the world would he handicap both of you? “Don’t tell me! Nothing counts unless I guess. And don’t tell me if I get it right!” You guys need to talk, big time. Build some mutual trust.
Being partners means letting each other, and the world, know you have each other’s back. You’re linked because you want to be. A unit of two. Trust.
Female. Married 11 years. two kids. One farting dog.
My advice, which will shock all of my two fans out there, has been culled down to the following:
If he starts giving you guff over the house isn’t clean, just give him a blow job.
“Honey, if I spent the whole day cleaning, I’d be too tired to do this.”
Preferably while he is watching sports and eating a ham sandwich. Then you can Pavlov him into that wonderful state of post BJ with just sports and a hamsammich, minus the BJ. and before you know it, he’ll be off in the kitchen farking the sandwich instead of humping your leg while jamming a kumquat up your butt because he saw it on some pron channel, so that should free up more YOU time.
So sorry to hear that 
and before you know it, he’ll be off in the kitchen farking the sandwich instead of humping your leg while jamming a kumquat up your butt because he saw it on some pron channel, so that should free up more YOU time.