Definitely disregard. Untrue. Athletes in training get depressed too. Often even more frequently. The chemicals released by an exercising body are myriad, but the most active are the endorphins, which act like narcotic opiates. Opiates are not used to treat depression, but may mask it, as may endorphins.
QtM, MD
You need to consider here that Quicksilver is (presumably, being married to this lady and all–Disclaimer: I haven’t seen the other thread) in love with this woman, this is not an acceptable proposal. No, he can’t live her life for her, but he’s already “sucked in”. They are married! If she is depressed, I think their marital status makes it his obligation to help. If h tries to help and she rejects that, it’s a different situation.
I agree that you need to be honest with her, but in a very disarming way. Depression is usually very touchy for people who have a family history of such diseases. One of their biggest fears is developing the illness themselves. (My mother is an alcoholic AND bipolar…so I am speaking from first hand experience here.) It’s very possible she’s considered that she’s ill without your input, but she could be afraid or in denial.
Be supportive, be honest and do what you can to help her. If she won’t listen to you, do try to find someone else that can help her.
FTR, what are the symptoms you have noticed?
~J
This is not for you to decide.
Anybody in your wife’s situation could benefit from a professional consultation with a reputable therapist. Whether she’s depressed or not is a moot point. I don’t believe that people need to go to see a doctor (either medical or psychological) because “they’re depressed”
People go to see a doctor because “they’re having trouble sleeping” or “they don’t feel emotionally able to care for their family appropriately” or “they feel a lack of energy”. Or, if a person’s marriage is falling apart, they see a marriage counsellor. You’re working backwards if you are coming up with a diagnosis, then making the symptoms fit.
If you’re worried that a marriage counsellor would not be properly able to treat depression, you’re putting the cart before the horse. If a marriage counsellor suspects depression, and he is not qualified to treat it, he will refer your wife to someone who is.
Your marriage is in trouble. Don’t try to figure out WHY. Just try to figure out how to make it better.
Sorry, I assumed from the tenor of the OP that he was separating from her and is moving on. So I was posting from the point of view that their marriage is over, but he stills wants her to get better. If that is not the case, then I agree that he needs to be deeply involved in her recovery. Still, he should make sure that he doesn’t get “sucked in” if she is unwilling to improve - and to do that she needs to decide that she wants to improve. So I stand by my suggestion that he should tell her to look into therapy and that he will work with her if she does. If she doesn’t, he needs to do what’s best for him. That might mean moving on and being supportive from another position (other than husband).
vert, did you read his other thread? She’s the one who want the seperation, and is currently living in the spare bedroom in their new house. He is, um, less than keen on this idea, so I don’t think “moving on” is really the term for it.
Personally, I find it somewhat worrisome that in the original thread, he seems to blame most of the situation on himself and the bad period he went through when unemployed, then in a day or so has gone from, “I blame myself” to “This is probably because she’s depressed.” He’s offered no evidence of her actually being depressed other than her having some self-esteem issues (who doesn’t in this day and age?) and withdrawing from him and to some extent the kids, which seems fairly normal during a period of unhappiness in a marriage. Ooh, and a couple of people have asked if she might be depressed based on the bits and pieces he’s related.
Shoot, I can tell all sorts of stories about my husband and phrase them in such a way that people would think he’s an emotionally abusive prick. He could tell stories about me in a way that makes me seem like a whiny, controlling, narcissistic bitch. That does not, however, make him emotionally abusive or a prick, nor does it make me whiny, controlling, or narcissistic. (I won’t argue the bitch part, though.)
In retrospect, I guess I should clarify my previous post a bit, and explain why it worries me that he’s suddenly looking for ways to tell his wife she needs counselling.
This, combined with a lot of the things in the original separation thread, gives me the distinct feeling that the OP’s not really all that concerned with his wife’s emotional well-being. He talks about her being his touchstone, and how much he depends on her, and how he’s just so tired after the problems during his unemployment. Never once does he say that she’s always been able to depend on him or consider how tired she must be after all this.
And let me tell you, folks, being someone’s touchstone and the ups to their downs is effing exhausting. It’s mentally, emotionally, and physically draining in a way that you can’t even begin to imagine till you’ve done it. It can be stressful even during good times, but during bad times it starts to feel like there’s a 150-pound leech stuck to you, sucking you dry.
Couple this with the fact that he called this his wife’s “mid-life crisis” and the fact that now he’s trying to blame their problems on her potential depression, and it raises my red flags. It really sounds to me like he’s not so much trying to help his wife through a rough patch as trying to get things back to the comfy, cozy way they used to be.
Unfortunately, the fact that she’s seeking a seperation indicates that things haven’t been very comfy or cozy for her.
I agree with Salem. Even if you’re right, and she is in fact depressed, bringing it up at this exact time is likely to only put further strain on your relationship. If you’re wrong, it’ll make you look really bad.
Your wife has already identified what she thinks is making her unhappy. Rather than trying to argue the point, I think you need to respect her judgement and see if you can find a way to change your relationship so that it makes you both happy. Marriage counseling sounds like a good way to do this, although I recommend you focus as much as you can on listening to your wife, and try to suppress your natural instincts to problem-solve.
I wish you both the best of luck.
Ouch! That hurt.
What the hell was that anyway… Truth?!
Finally, somebody chiming in to kick my ass. It’s not that I’m a masochist, you understand, it’s that I am searching for somebody to really see things the way my wife seems to see them. You CrazyCatLady seem to have hit the nail on the head. Given that these conversations with my wife are so emotionally charged, I may benefit from hearing your point of view (which seems similar to her’s) without all the emotional baggage attached to the conversation.
Having read both of my posts and the running commentary I can certainly see how my two posts seem at odds. On the one hand, I’m taking it on the chin for failing to appreciate my wife in all the ways she deserves it, while on the other hand, I try to write off the situation by making her out to be depressed and thereby unloading the responsibility (at least some of it) back on her.
The fact about this situation is that both by OP’s are true. I do not believe that I’ve misrepresented the facts in any way, but of course, these are just the facts as I see them. There is also my wife’s side which is entirely missing from this picture. I wish I could explain her side without it going through my mental filter but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to be as eloquent as I am with my own perspective.
The main charge leveled against me as I see it is:
For 18 months I used her as an emotional dumping ground without much mercy or relief. Not because I wanted to take my own grief out on her but because I chose to hide the fact that we were headed for real trouble (financially) from everyone outside the two of us. We even tried to isolate the kids from the worry by continuing to maintain their private schooling and other activities such as gymnastics, music, swimming, etc. We even continued to go on ski vacations and summer vacations as if nothing had happened. While I essentially eliminated any unnecessary spending on myself I continued to insist that neither my wife nor our kids should feel the impact of me being out of work. The emotional support I should have shown her manifested itself in financial indulgence.
So I hid behind spending $$ on her (Victoria’s Secret should name us honorary clients!) and the kids (ditto Gap and Toys R Us) while withholding most positive emotional expenses. All the while my own low self esteem issues kept getting bigger with every failed job lead or missed opportunity. Strangely enough, no family vacation, no trinkett, no restaurant meal seemed to fill the ever widening gap. (Although, the kids are excellent downhill skiers now. They’ll be at least as good as me when they grow up.)
And now, here I am, trying to reverse the clock, to sooth the hurt, to change the past. Of course, I can’t. I want to move forward but I feel like somebody kicked a big huge whole inside me and I struggle every morning and every day with carrying on with my day and obligations, knowing that the person I need most by my side is not there right now… and the terrifying thought is that she may not ever be again if I don’t figure out a way of making it up to her.
OK, now I am really confused. I didn’t see the original thread, so I am completely wrong on my advice. After reading QuickSilver’s last post, my brain has started hurting. Who the hell knows what’s going on in that family? Couples counseling sounds about the only way to go. But I think there is a lot more that we don’t know so it’s a crap shoot as to how effective that advice may be.
Regardless, good luck.
…oh, and just to add…
I don’t mean to sound like I am unappreciative of all the rest of the comments. They have, almost all, given be something to ponder.
Most days my head feels like it will split open with all the conflicting and competing thoughts about what is really at the crux of this problem.
Is it as simple and obvious as my own thoughtlessness and selfishness at a time when I should have been more open and sensitive to what she was going through as well?
I suppose that this alone is enough to have alienated her. But she readily admits that her own personal demons of “what’s next?” haunt her as well. She seeks an identity beyond mother and wife. Triathlete is one alternative but I think she understands very well that this is not something that can last or give her complete satisfaction in the long run (no pun intended). A career and resulting accomplishments will be rewarding but then she would not be ablt to be there for the kids when they are done school in mid afternoon. A full time job would mean extended day programs and a reduction in extra curricular activities for the kids. Coming from a childhood where her mom was always at home after school, I know she finds it hard to deny this benefit to our kids. A part time job is not currently an option given the interesting job opportunity she is presently evaluating.
Also, somebody asked if there was a history of depression in her family and I have to admit that it runs far and deep from her dad on down to all her siblings. The level of affliction varies from person to person and in the way that it is manifested but it is undeniably present. I thought she was fortunate enough to have escaped it but the truth is that she has always dealt with feelings of inadequacy as long as I’ve known her. She is also a perfectionist - not that there is anything wrong with that.
Now the reason I bring this up again is to illustrate or rather to ask… Ought I concentrate on fixing what I broke and leave the issues she is dealing with out of my part of this equation? A good therapist will suss them out anyway and address them in due time as well. Right?
At this point, it would be fair to say that I am fairly depressed about the entire ordeal and I’m also dealing with feeling of low self esteem because in the past, I’ve been able to fix almost anything. Now, I can’t seem to fix what I broke - one of the things that matters most in my life.
[all together now] ** Get help, you depressing, obtuse, whining bastard!** [/all together now]
Quiter!
