First, a language question. “Have depression,” “suffer from…,” “am afflicted with…,” “am depressed?” What’s the common or preferred usage?
If my self-diagnosis is correct, it’s not severe or crippling. No suicidal ideation. No thoughts of self-harm at all, nor harm to others. It seems to mostly be manifesting as lethargy and more-frequent irritability. Someone recently described their own depression as like a big, heavy blanket over them all the time, and that’s a pretty good description of how I’ve been feeling - like there’s a constant weight or pressure all over. I’m not getting things done in our business nearly as efficiently or as well as I know I’m capable. Ditto with projects around the house. It’s been quite some time (maybe a couple of years?) since I have woken up in the morning looking forward to the day (granted, I’m not exactly a morning person). It takes more effort than seems appropriate to get out of bed and get the day started.
I think this has been going on for a couple of years now. I haven’t been working out, not even something as simple to squeeze into the day as a couple-mile run. I’ve gained 20-odd pounds over the last 3-4 years. I drink a little more than I should. I have to put forth a significant effort of will to get out and do things I actually do enjoy. I am, by nature, pretty low key and more than a bit prone to laziness, but this feels different.
So - next steps?
First, I need to talk to my wife. I predict it will be a difficult conversation, not because she won’t care or be supportive, but because I suspect it will bring up memories and negative feelings about her own struggles with anxiety and depression. I don’t want to bring those to the fore, but we’re a team and it’s time I brought her in on this. I think she’s starting to feel that something’s off anyway.
Second, I need to get myself physically healthier. I don’t have a life-long history of athleticism, but I started getting into shape when I turned 40, and by 43-44 I was feeling pretty good, and quite literally in the best shape of my life. The guy who was my personal trainer (who was outstanding) does training via Skype (we’re on opposite coasts now), and we’ve got a pretty kick-ass home gym. If I start making training appointments, I’m pretty sure I’ll keep to them - accountability usually works with me, particularly with people I respect and whose opinions I value.
Third, I need to enlist professional help, and that’s where I don’t really know how to get started. We don’t know many people in our area, especially anybody I’d be comfortable opening up to and asking for a recommendation. I can start with in-network providers on our insurance plan, but how do I then vet the provider? I dread the thought of having to visit multiple therapists, giving them my backstory each time, and then finding it’s not a great fit.
So - advice, suggestions, stories to share? I would particularly like to hear any tips for finding a good match with a mental health professional. I don’t promise I’ll take all of the advice provided, but I promise I’ll read it and consider it.
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