I am a bit of a melancholy, or so it seems. I have good days and bad but lately (anywhere from 2-4 years) my low days have been much more frequent. In fact, the last two years it has been an effort to enjoy things that I have always enjoyed. There are some moments of bliss and excitement but it quickly fades back to a glumness that I can’t seem to shake. There is nothing seriously wrong physically with me so it would seem that this is a mental thing but…
When I talked with my wife, she was concerned that it was her or something she had done or not done. That is not the case as far as I can tell. Her and my kids are the things that never cease to raise my spirits, at least for a time.
Rather than posting anonymously on the Internet, I could talk to my MIL. She is a wise woman who was diagnosed with depression several years ago but that would be like acknowledging that I could have depression as well… and I am scared of the possibility. My family needs me. We need the money I make. My kids need and dad and more importantly, my wife needs a husband. Yet I can only seem to do those things in spurts now. I have started trying to keep busy doing stuff. I put a railing on the deck we have. I tinker around doing things because I know that someone gets enjoyment or satisfaction from what I do, even if I feel like crap. But it beats doing nothing and feeling the same way. That makes me sound like a martyr but that’s not the case. It just seems the most reasonable thing to do, at least until my spirits change.
I don’t even know what I want from this but I think I need to post this if only to be able to come back and realize that this was a stupid idea.
I cannot diagnose for you, as I am not an MD. I suffer from chronic depression and I have many of the same symptoms. As someone who has it, I don’t think you should be concerned with admitting you might have it. And the benefits of admitting you might have it are worth it. It is treatable.
If your symptoms are more severe - Get Thee to a Doctor! Now!
If your symptoms are mild I recommend that you discuss the following with a Doctor: St. John’s Wort and the book POTATOES NOT PROZAC: A NATURAL SEVEN-STEP PLAN TO: CONTROL YOUR CRAVINGS AND LOSE WEIGHT RECOGNIZE HOW FOODS AFFECT THE WAY YOU FEEL STABILIZE THE LEVEL OF SUGAR IN YOUR BLOOD, both of which have helped me.
yea, depression is a bitch. Of course you could just be facing a mid-life crisis, or maybe your blood sugar is low? Do you exercise regualry? If not you should try. You would be amazed at the atitude change a good exercise program will do for you.
Im not sure why your are scared if it is depression. Depression is not some kind of death sentence. Your familiy wouldnt need to “lose” you to depression, provided you are diagnosed and treated properly. I would go for some kind of cardio exercise program first, see if that improves your mood any. if that fails, see a doctor about depression. you will be amazed at what they can do for you.
Another vote for regular and vigorous exercise for at least 1 hour per day. It seems trite advice but it’s helped me through many a dark times. Plus, the more you do it, the more you’ll want to continue doing it and reaping the benefits. I would also suggest looking at your diet but wait until you are into a good workout routine. I found that diet changes are easier and more lasting when you adopt them to improve your exercise program results.
If you confront what sounds to me (IANAD) like depression, you’ll be in a position to deal with it – making you more available to your family, not less. I’ve been on antidepressants for five years and they make a huge difference. Guess what! Life doesn’t suck!
Start by talking to your MIL, if you feel okay with her – otherwise, talk to a doctor. Your insurance probably covers consulting with a shrink – if not, talk to your primary physician. There’s no need to stay stuck feeling like shit.
My MIL had it really bad for several years and I suppose that seeing her go through it is what has me scared. She is now on antidepressants and is doing much better. I have heard that once you start with antidepressants, you are essentially bound to them. Yet another thing I don’t like. I don’t usually worry about stuff. In fact, I normally don’t worry about anything as I believe that I can find a way through/around/over virtually any situation that comes but these types of things are getting far too much play for me to find peace. My red-neck upbringing keeps telling me that I should just shake it off and move on. That’s not helping either.
Not so. I have a friend who’s doctor asked her to take them for 6 months and then wean herself off of them. She no longer takes them, but occasionally does suffer a recurrance.
I’m a recovering addict, so I went through a major crisis of conscience about taking what is effectively a mood-altering drug. I deal with it by (rationalizing?) that my brain chemistry is out of whack, and that I’m returning it to proper functioning, not going for a “high.”
So, yeah, I really understand not wanting to rely on some freakin’ pill to cope.
However – as Khadaji points out – you don’t necessarily need to stay on them forever – many people don’t.
If life sucks, you owe it to the people you love, as well as yourself, to get yourself to a place where you’re not drifting through life lacking even the energy to hope that things will get better.
{{{Greenback}}}
It’ll be okay. Stating the problem aloud – if only in an anonymous community – is the first step towards being ready to deal with it.
Greenback, my e-mail & IM address are also in my profile, e-mail me if you’d like to talk. I also heartily second the suggestion of talking to your MIL - I did beat a case of medium depression without any drugs. It can be done. I am as vehemently anti-drug as you are, it seems.
Try and pick up a new hobby. Not something impossibly difficult, just something you can enjoy.
Greenback, it sounds to me like you have mild depression. I know it’s intimidating to consider, but in the end, once you have a handle on your diagnosis, things do get better.
Here is a book that I highly recommend you read. The entire text is posted for free. You could probably read through the whole thing, or at least the first part, in a couple of hours. It helped me enormously when I was first starting to deal with my depression.
I know what it’s like to feel afraid of addressing (probable) depression and REALLY not wanting to take drugs. That was me about 15 years ago.
I have to say that the experience of depression lifting with the use of the new anti-depressants is not at all what I expected. I was afraid that I would be “different” or “not me” or feel drugged. For me, it was a revelation. I like to say that taking antidepressants allowed me to circle the drain rather than going down into it…by that, I mean that was still fully aware of everything I needed to address: my problems were not magically solved but I was able to muster the energy to do wahat I had to do because the neurons were firing properly.
I have been on several courses of antidepressants over the years. As I have come to understand, my brain chemistry goes a little funny and the antidepressants straighten it back up. I much prefer dealing with a course of antidepressants than that constant feeling of the blahs that just WILL NOT GO AWAY.
I wish you the best and hope all goes well for you.
I spoke with my MIL, which helped in that she confirmed what you all have contributed. She virtually echoed your second paragraph GraphicsGal. As it stands now, I am setting up an appointment with my MD and I’ll see where it goes from there.
Thanks again all.
Congrats, Greenback. I’ll second and third that being put on anti-depressants isn’t a lifetime prospect. Both of my parents were on Prozac for years (more than a decade, on and off), and have now come off with few side effects.
I’m so glad that you’re going to get some help. The only way your family would lose you to depression is if you didn’t do anything about it.
I had a doctor appointment today. I was flat out scared. As I was leaving work to go to the appointment, my hands were physically shaking.
So I got to the doctor’s office and received a three week sample of pills after a 15 minute consultation. Not that I don’t think that something is wrong with me but couldn’t the doc at least give the impression that he was actually doing something? I received these pills entirely on the basis of my answers to his predictable questions. No test to check serotonin levels. Nothing. Why not just have a dispenser in the hall and save everyone a little time. Now, I am oversimplifying the appointment, but not by much. I had my wife with me and she had the opportunity to voice her observations and, if I was a borderline case after I explained how I was feeling, she made a slam dunk. 15 minutes.
I have read hundreds of websites on the treatment of depression in the last week and it appears that the medical community pushes drugs. Do they work? Probably. Would I have liked to hear alternatives? Absolutely.
I found websites saying that there was no such thing as serotonin or any other chemical imbalance in the brain and all of this is a push to get drugs into the populace and money into the hands of the pharmaceutical companies. These sites didn’t offer much in the way of alternative treatments, though. I found others that were so praising of the drugs that I found them hard to accept as credible strictly on the “if it sounds too good to be true…” basis. I found a third, smaller grouping of sites (notably http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org) stating that the SSRI’s used to treat depression were developed under the hypothesis that serotonin was linked directly to depression. What the site went on to say was that research is finding out that this is not the case; that the factors that bring on depression are far more complicated and that more research was being conducted. Great! The one article that seems to be presented in an objective manner offers no information at all.
I haven’t taken the pills yet because I am still uncertain if that’s the way I want to go. The problem is, I don’t see another way. At least, not a way that has the same potential to return me to form in the least amount of time. A non-drug approach sentences my family to live with what I am now for the foreseeable future while I work things through. Even if I knew I would get better, could I do that to them knowing that there was a way to speed up the process? Under other circumstances, I would never consider taking drugs. Much like Anaamika, the thought of these pills beside me has me on edge. For me, it’s the thought that I received these pills to deal with a physical ailment and yet I was not tested to determine if the ailment even exists. I am a conservative canadian. We don’t throw money at Medicare and we don’t throw drugs at problems without knowing what the problem is.
Perhaps I have unreal expectations with regards to the drug’s effectiveness but injecting hope where there was none makes it hard to contain.
I can understand that you are not that enthused about getting the antidepressants because the doctor did not do a more thorough examination…if you are really wanting to get a longer interview, try a second opinion with a medicating psychiatrist. I have been very close to the mental health field for years and I can say for myself, I do not know anyone who was tested for serotonin levels prior to being given a SSRI.
The reason SSRIs seem like such a revolution in the psychopharmacology field is because they are. Prior drugs did not work nearly so well, or as quickly, in so many people. For many people, it really was like a throw-down-your-cane-and walk type of change. That is not to say they are for everyone, or for every situation, but they do mark a real departure from prior medication.
In my work at a day-treatment center for the chronically metally ill, I can tell you that in some ways, treatment of all mental illness is kind of a crap-shoot. Some of the people responded well to one drug, while others responded poorly. Some people were given elaborate combinations of drugs in an effort to find a combo that worked (I am talking seriously chronically mentally ill people here, not the kind of thing that you are dealing with).
I was shocked to learn that as many as 25% of people with bipolar illness can’t be reliably maintained on drugs (which was a shock since I had always thought lithium worked first time every time). I found the truth of this when an uncle was diagnosed with bipolar illness some years ago and was years getting his illness under control.
I encourage you to seek out a medicating psychiatrist for a consultation if you are still worried about drugs being pushed at you without enough attention being paid to your case. Internists do not have the in-depth training or experience in dealing with these drugs on a day to day basis. I saw a medicating psychiatrist for years when I was getting my chronic depression managed. She was a FOUNT of information about all the drugs and how they work, which types work best for which types of depression, etc., etc.
Lastly, please don’t give up on the meds idea because your doctor was not thorough enough for you. In fact, if it were me I would schedule an appointment to talk about these very issues with my doctor. Make it clear when you make the appointment that you want to talk and that the appointment should be at a time when the docotr has time to talk with you.
I am thinking of you and hope things start going better for you soon!!!
