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#1
12-03-2011, 02:34 PM
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Losing Steam with Husband Situation
I just don't think I can take it anymore.
 I don't know who all has seen my thread about what my husband is going through physically, but lets just say it's long and complicated, with no clear-cut answers in sight. That said, it seems I'm about to lose it in dealing with him and end up backsliding to the place I was before. Which was very dark indeed. The way things are right now, I can't be depressed, I can't be suicidal and I certainly can't be agorapobic. But I honestly no longer know what to do. He's belligerent, refuses to face reality and hyper sensitive. He also suffers episodes of Hepatic Encephalopathy, which he doesn't always take his medication for. All these things combined plus myriad doctor's appointments, make each and every day a living hell. I've finally convinced him to see a therapist, but he won't talk about any of his issues. I started seeing one too, but because she's an under grad student seeing me on a sliding scale who reports to some nebulous superior, I can't continue. Because of my past problems, apprently I'm too high risk. Anyway, Jaceson went out on FMLA at the beginning of October. We were told that if he had to transfer to disability, his (reduced) income would be continuous. Well, about ten days ago, we found out that wouldn't be the case and he'll be without completely for at least thirty days. Government disability, if approved, won't be until the summer. If everything works out right. Now I've been off work since July to take care of him and thus far, I haven't been able to find another job. Because of all the financial snafus, the only way we can survive is for him to go without insurance for the next six months (and me permanently, unless a potential employer provides it) and us to sell off everything we have left. Sadly, which isn't much except for my car. It goes on Craigslist today. Other last-ditch options available to us is taking on a renter (if anyone would be interested in our area / furnished room / shared bath / multiple pets), renting out our place while moving somewhere cheaper (although we have no experience doing that and our house is shit, plus due to our credit now [we've had to let everything go but pretty much just the basics -- my computer's new owner will pick it up in a few days], I have no idea if anyone would rent to us) or just letting the house go into foreclosure. I'm clueless how we'll even pay the utilities and groceries this month. Talking to my folks about living with them is a no go and there is no one else. So, that's how things are and he's gotten worse with his back (which is a separate issue than what all I've been posting about in the other thread -- he had surgery a year ago September and now he almost can't walk at all), despite trying to do everything I can for him. I do all the driving now and basically, he just sits / sleeps in front of the TV because it's less painful there than anywhere else. He complains about everything, which I see as understandable, but for someone who is only barely mentally stable myself, it's wearing on me more every day. He's completely helpless. He's pissed off. He's depressed and swears he's not. He won't take any initiative or help himself in any way. I am at the end of my rope and feel my own sanity starting to slip. I cry in the shower, so he can't see me. I listen to diatribes from my mother about what a piss poor job I'm doing (or not) with him and how he's killing himself, but I try to stay strong in the face of that. I'm willing to give up any and everything that I've got. I'll do whatever it takes, but I'm falling apart. I'm so alone that I can't stand it (no friends to speak of in real life / no family that isn't under my mother's purview / no one else at all) and I don't know where to turn but here. If you've read this far, I thank you. I don't know if I just need to get it all out and vent or what. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. And again, I appreciate everyone on the Dope who has ever supported me through this (and other stuff too) and helped me deal. I can't say enough how great I think all you people are and I believe that karma will repay all of the kindness I've been shown. Kemi~ P.S. I'm sure there's crap I left out. If anyone has any questions about my rambling description of this mess, please don't hesitate to ask. I'll clarify the best my muddled brain can muster. But bear with me, I'm operating on not much sleep and a migrain. God only knows what all I've typed. 
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#2
12-03-2011, 02:39 PM
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Don't know what to say ff-I suck at giving advice on such things (or even commenting on them), just know I am on your side at least.
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#4
12-03-2011, 02:57 PM
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{hugs Kemi}
Can you get a home health nurse (or a relative) to come in so you can occasionally get a break? When I was caring for my husband, I couldn't even take a five-minute shower unless someone was with him. He probably should have been in the hospital, or a nursing home, but no one considered or offered that option. (We were new in the area and his doctor was 200 miles away.) Is your husband sick enough to be in a nursing home/care facility? It sounds heartless, but you'll do him no good if you collapse from the strain, so maybe you could ask his doctor about that. Tell the doc what you're going through.
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#5
12-03-2011, 03:17 PM
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Auntie Pam is right, I think. Either your mental health has value to you, and is worth protecting, or it's not.
He's sounds a perfect candidate for full time care, which is where he'll end up when you crash anyway. If he was in full time care you could be spending your energy, instead of doing the grinding caregiving, to bring the joy and sunshine. Let them do the heavy lifting. Take him dinner, visit often. It reminds me of the oxygen mask speech. You will not be able to save/service your loved ones if you cannot put yourself first, when clearly required, for everyone's best interests. Is there not a social service agency, that could get him into an emergency placement, while you get sorted? Please seek out such resources, possibly through the church in your neighbourhood. They will connect you with emergency resources, but you have to speak up. Of course, we're all pulling for you. And sending you our very best thoughts and wishes. Here's hoping things get better soon.
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#6
12-03-2011, 03:30 PM
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Kemi, I don't have any advice to offer you - I'd be completely lost dealing with everything you're dealing with, I think you're doing an amazing thing keeping it together as much as you are doing! But I did want to let you know I'd read this and will be thinking of you and Jaceson.
(The following is thinking out loud and my be completely useless - if so, just ignore it... It's meant with good intentions, rather than meaning to be patronisingly basic!) Are there any government (either local, state or federal) programmes that can help financially or through providing a healthcare or support service? Your healthcare and social services system is so different to the ones I'm used to, I can't offer any specific suggestions, but if your financial situation is that tight, it seems like there should be some sort of safety net that the government ought to provide, even if its minimal. If there's nothing governmental, are there any charities that could help? Are you religious, and, if so, could your church (or equivalent) help you out, with food at least? Do you have a doctor that you could see about treating your own depression? You can't look after Jaceson if you're in pieces, so you need to look after yourself (and, if I might suggest, stop answering your mother's phone calls, at least for a while - you don't need someone else telling you how you're fucking things up, on top of feeling like things are collapsing around you anyway.) I'm sorry I can't be more help - I'll keep thinking in case I come across anything that might be useful for you. Be kind to yourself - you're going through a ridiculously stressful time, try not to beat yourself up...
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#7
12-03-2011, 03:44 PM
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Thanks you guys. I knew I could count on you all to help me start feeling somewhat better. I'm do glad this board is here.
Now to Auntie and elbows: there's no way he'd be able to go into a home at this point, he's not in poor enough shape. If I can ever get him to use something to help, like a cane or walker, maybe it wouldn't be even nearly as bad as it is. And I'm sorry to say, if he *was* in God awful shape and couldn't be left alone at all, I still don't think he'd agree to it. He's simply that much into denial. So I *can* leave him, I've just been staying close to manage all the doctor stuff, do the driving and all the chores so he doesn't have to hurt his back further (or if it was a time when he's experiencing other symptoms from some other diagnosis) or if he got too fatigued. That's why I'll hopefully be getting a job at night, so I'll still be there for the important stuff and away while he's asleep. Also, we have no family that would of I needed them to. Mine is over two hours away and his son just got married, all while working multiple jobs. We'll be out of insurance on the 20th, so I wouldn't be able to get any home health care attendant. We're not part of any church, but there's several in the area, so I can definitely look around and see if anything is available. You both are right that I've got to look after myself too. That's why I took up with that one therapist and I am going to a monthly support group for caregivers. I guess maybe that's why I posted this thread... is to try to get some perspective. And just like always, you guys show me that. Thank you. Right now I think I'll go and take a soak bath and see if that clears my head or makes me feel less stabby. If anyone has advice on how to help with my husband's moods too, I'd really love to hear it. Knowing what to say to him that doesn't either incite / sadden / hurt him would be a wonderful tool to have. I know I can do this and stay healthy. I just have to find a way.
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#10
12-03-2011, 04:00 PM
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nicole, you snuck in there on me while I was typing my reply. I should have previewed!
First, thank for your sweet thoughts. They are extremely appreciated. Second, as I stated above, we have no church home, but as that was an excellent suggestion, I'll call around Monday and see if there's any help I can find. Third, we will be trying to get some help from a local charity that has a food bank and does the occasional paying of utilities bit. Unfortunately, I've been told it takes over six weeks for their help to kick into effect. We'll see though. If everything hadn't just gone to hell all at one fell swoop and we hadn't been paycheck to paycheck too.... Last, the therapist that Jaceson has been seeing hasn't, for some reason, been charging him. She's the one who recommended the lady I went to. So when he sees her next, he'll be finding out if maybe she knows someone else. Surely, that woman wasn't the only one. There are bound to be services out there to assist with this kind of stuff, but I'm a novice at knowing how to access them. A woman I used to work with hooked us up with an insurance agent who at least has explained a lot of stuff and given us some head's up. We'll be able to use one program he suggested when we go through Jaceson's six month insurance dry spell. It's just a matter of time, gumption and faith. Like I said, I feel in my heart I can do this. Now I've just got to convince the rest of me that.
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#11
12-03-2011, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
Thank you both for your ideas. I'll certainly be talking to Jaceson about this again tonight.
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#13
12-03-2011, 04:27 PM
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Do you have an equivalent of the Citizens' Advice Bureau where you live? http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/ is the UK version - they give free advice on debt, housing, healthcare, social services - if there's something similar where you live, that would be a good place to start. You should maybe also see if your social services office (I don't know whether this is done on a state or more local level?) have an office you can go to, or a phone number you can call - there is bound to be someone who can talk you through your options. You might have to make an appointment for some sort of financial assessment or similar, but it would be worth looking into.
Your location suggests you're in Texas (if I understand American acronyms properly... Not a given!) - you might want to look through something like http://www.texaslawhelp.org/TX/index.cfm and maybe specifically the public benefits and people with disabilities sections - they might have some suggestions for help you're entitled to and where to start looking. (I have no idea about the accuracy of said site, but it looks legit enough at first glance...)
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#15
12-03-2011, 04:47 PM
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Wait - you're about to be without income entirely?! What? How in the hell does this happen?
Ugh. I am sorry for what you are going through. If you want, my son would love to send you a card. Not much, but he's 7 and that's usually a cheery thing.
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#16
12-03-2011, 05:15 PM
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Kemi, darling - it hurts to see you going through all of this.
I don't have much to add, I don't know what support services are available in your situation. But I can add something from the perspective of someone who had a spouse with a long-term, undiagnosed, significant illness. Jaceson is bitching and complaining to you, at you, about you, because you're there. He's angry, frustrated, ill, scared and facing his own mortality. If he's anything like my ex, he's absolutely disgusted with himself for being unable to support his wife in her time of need, and for being the cause of her time of need. He's trying to lash out to deal with those feelings, and because you're there all the time, doing everything - making doctor's appointments, making him go to therapy, making him take his medications - you become the focus of that impotent rage. It's not right, and it's not an excuse, but it's a reason. If you can, try and become like a customer service agent. He's not angry or upset at you, he's angry or upset at the company (the situation). Try to just take those things he says with something mild and bland like "I'm sorry that's how you feel but this is what needs to happen" and continue on. Try seeking a chronic pain support group as well, if you haven't already. There's a large sub-set of mental problems that come with chronic pain, and often times the people in these groups are well-versed with them, and they and their families have come up with coping strategies for these sort of situations. If nothing else, you may be able to find a shoulder to cry on with someone who's been there, or you may be able to find someone who can either help you with the day-to-day stuff, or be able to provide more resources to people who can.
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#17
12-03-2011, 05:18 PM
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Do his doctors know how desperate your situation has become? I would call the doctors' offices asking if they have any resources on how to get more help with caregiving. I'm sure that's a situation they see come up pretty often. If there is a social worker affiliated with the office they may know of community resources that you're eligible for.
I also wouldn't shy away from asking his son for any help he's able to give. Even though the son has his own problems with being newly married, if he has a decent relationship with your husband he would probably want to do something to help if he's able to. It might be better to let him get involved now than before things get any worse.
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#18
12-03-2011, 05:22 PM
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Oh man.
The only advice I can give you is hook up with someone or some organization that is really hip to all the different social/charitable programs out there - many are hard to find, even online or in the phone book. Maybe United Way or the link nicole1912 posted. Try everything. A neighbor of mine, older lady, lost most of her benefits in October and is basically penniless save for a little food stamp help. So far she hasn't found a job but I talked to her today; she took in some renters and that's at least allowing her to make her utility payments. And, she's in a tiny old 800 square foot house. Not ideal but it's working for her right now; don't give up on the renter/boarder idea! Take care of yourself first, hold onto that frontier Texas gumption and guts....
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#19
12-03-2011, 06:30 PM
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm going through some major stuff myself. So I feel for you. At least you have each other, for what it's worth.
I have plenty of room in my big house and I'm all alone, but I'm in Ohio.
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#20
12-03-2011, 07:01 PM
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Oh my God. You people are incredible. I don't know where to begin, but I'll try to remember to go in order.
Zsofia, I'm in the metroplex in Dallas. I've lived in and around this area my whole life and unfortunately, I've never seen or heard of anything like this. However, I have one high-falutin' distant aunt who really knows her way around charities, so I can pick her brain to see if she's ever known of something like that. Plus, the United Way is an awesome thought too Thank you for the suggestions. nicole, I'm going to poke around online whenever I get done with this post and see if there's something equivalent here to what you've mentioned. I do know that there's pro-bono law services in these parts, it just never crossed my mind to seek them out. < smacks forehead > And yes, I'm in Texas. You were spot on.  Thank you for your help. CitizenPained, I was pretty much completely agoraphobic for over the past decade. I just got 'well' enough to hold down a part-time job in late 2009. I held that until I left in July to take care of Jaceson. And as a side note, I do really miss my Meals on Wheels folks. They were terrific. Anyway, they made him leave work around the first of October, saying it was FMLA until he got well. If he didn't, he'd transition to short- and then long-term disability seamlessly. Well, they were either misinformed or didn't know what they were talking about in the first place. We only found out last week there'd be a gap. Then we found out about the insurance we wouldn't be able to afford and I haven't found a job yet, even at a fast food place. Plus like I said, we've always been hand-to-mouth anyway, so this sinks us. However, we'd love a card from your son! I'll PM you with it. Thank you both. Okay, this is getting to be a pretty long post, so I'll stop here and continue the rest in another.
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#21
12-03-2011, 07:22 PM
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First, I absolutely understand what you're going through. That won't make the pain and frustration go away, but I found that knowing that I wasn't alone and wasn't making it up and wasn't overreacting meant a great deal.
As others have said, start calling his doctors and anyone you can find in the phone book who just might have an inking of an idea. Really, you just need to get one hit and then you can follow the trail whereever it leads. It is frustrating and time-consuming and it will break your heart how many times you will just break down and cry. The number of times I said, "I need help because my husband is dying" was... well, it was too many and it still makes my chest hurt remembering the desperation and the pain. Do this out of his earshot, and don't be afraid to say exactly your worst fears to the people you're calling. Don't be strong and brave for them. Be frank and just as afraid as you are. Not only will the people who are in a position to help move faster if they know how serious things are, but people who don't think they are in a position to help can save you if they get inspired. I got help in the strangest of places by people who just wanted to help and found something they could do, even when it was just getting the name of an organization or a foundation or an agency or a doctor. People are pretty nice and pretty good and the majority of people want to help you. They may not be able to, but they want to. My whole experience showed me just how damned NICE and caring people can be, for complete strangers. If any of the issues he's dealing with have national hotlines, that can be a good starting point. You need information and, frankly, it can be ridiculously hard to figure out who to ask and where to go. In Ohio, the program for heating was called HEAP. Let's see... yep, same program for Texas called CEAP: Ms. Sharon Gamble Energy Assistance Texas Department of Housing & Community Affairs Energy Assistance Section P.O. Box 13941 Austin, Texas 78711-3941 TEL: (512) 475-0471 FAX: (512) 475-3935 E-MAIL: sharon.gamble@tdhca.state.tx.us WEB SITE: www.tdhca.state.tx.us/ea/index.htm PUBLIC INQUIRIES: 1-877-399-8939 LITE-UP TEXAS: 1-866-454-8387 PUBLIC UTILITY COMMISSION COMPLAINTS: 1-888-782-8477 That's a place to start. Hell, ask the person you talk to there if they can point you toward other low-income resources. I hope this helps you get started. Please never hesitate a second to ask me for any help I can give you.
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#22
12-03-2011, 07:24 PM
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Sierra Indigo, you are so right and that's why I hoped talking to a therapist would help him. It's just so hard to remember that it's the chronic illness talking when he lashes out at me so many times a day, over the most innocuous things. I'll definitely try to do what you suggest though and let it roll off my back as nothing personal. But I have to ask, does it become less pointed? He really goes for the jugular most times now and I think the most hurtful part *is* how out of proportion and out of character it is. If I can find a chronic pain support group though, that'd be a lifesaver. I'll look ASAP. Thank you so much for understanding. I hate that you've been there, but it's comforting to know there are others like me.
lavenderviolet, for the most part no, the doctors don't know. Since we found out, we've only been to one (all the others are coming up this week) and at that point early on, I thought I'd figure something out. What was I thinking?? Anyway, I'll start talking to them next week. I've already explained it to my regular doctor and he says he'll find a way for me to see his PA instead whenever I need refills on my blood pressure medicine. Also, he said he'd structure my prescriptions in such a way that I can get them for $4.00, since they're all extremely old meds. I've also got it on my list to call Social Security again Monday, so I'll see if they can steer me towards a social worker. I already know we're not eligible for some programs, but maybe we missed something on our initial visit. As to the son, unless he can get away from work, I'm not sure what he can help with. He certainly wants to, but the last time he paid bills, he said he only had .38 to live on for him, the new wife and kid. Sadly, he's not any better a money manager than us. But you bringing him up reminds me that I need to get him more involved regardless. Thank you for that. chiroptera, I'm not going to give up on that idea, it's just convincing Jaceson that's the tough task. Perhaps if I stay after him enough (we fight all the time now, but I haven't pushed this idea as much as others), I'll be able to make him see it would be a good thing. Thank you for sharing that about your neighbor. It gives me hope. BMalion, I'm so sorry to hear your going through something similar. Is there anything I can do to help? I may not be close (wish we were), but I'm a decent listener and if you need someone to vent to, I'd gladly offer my meager services. If only we lived in the same state, we'd be so much better off. Take care of yourself, PM me anytime and thank you for posting. I'll stop this post now, since it's gotten so long too, and check for others.
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#23
12-03-2011, 07:34 PM
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jsgoddess, thank you for that and you are so right. In my life, I too, have found that people like to help, although I'm sorry your situation was such that you had to. I remember when you wrote about your husband and it was heartbreaking. I just always wish that your in a better place now and that you and Asmovian will be greatly happy together.
I'm so glad you've found that information for me. Sometimes dealing with this I seem to be all thumbs and it gets so frustrating. To have that direction up front is awesome. I'll call them Monday too, and I'll do as you suggest and ask for more help from there. I may also PM you, so thank for the offer. Thank you all for everything. I feel like that's all I'm doing is saying thanks, but know that I hold each of you in high esteem and I mean my gratitude from the depths of my soul.
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#24
12-03-2011, 07:47 PM
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Quote:
Your poor husband. It is not your fault. I will PM you soon.
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#25
12-03-2011, 07:56 PM
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A few more:
American Liver Foundation support groups in Texas. People here can be supportive (amazingly helpful) and might know some resources. Texas Homelessness Prevention PM me with info about what you've been told regarding SSA disability, if you want, and I'll do my best to answer any questions you have. The Texas Department of Aging and Disability Services looks to be mostly for over 60 but they say "People of any age with low income Call your local DADS intake office for help with benefits."
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#27
12-03-2011, 08:23 PM
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Have you tried the department of children and families? Also known as the Department of Social Services in some states? Or the Salvation Army for outreach help? I know that many churches have food pantries as well.
Many drug companies will give you medications through their patient assistance programs at no cost, your primary just has to fill out some forms with you. (My stepdad has been on them for many years, and I have gotten many scripts for my patients. ) The site I love is www.needymeds.org. I have no connection to it, just know that it is a great site. Sending good wishes and hugs to you.
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#28
12-03-2011, 08:31 PM
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A friend of mine who was homeless when I met him got hooked up with an elderly guy who needed a live in assistant. Not medical help..just someone to go to the grocery store..cook..clean..etc. It's worked out really well for both of them.
I'm not suggesting that you pick someone up off the street..but some of the homeless outreach services might know people who would be a good fit. It's not for everyone..but it's an option. ETA: It goes without saying, but you guys are in my thoughts. I don't go back and bump old threads typically, but I keep thinking about doing it to one of yours just to check up on you. -D/a Last edited by Digital is the new Analog; 12-03-2011 at 08:32 PM. Reason: Adding text that wasn't there when I hit submit.
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#29
12-03-2011, 10:06 PM
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Goodwill has assistance with finding jobs, polishing resumes, job training, etc.
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#30
12-03-2011, 10:09 PM
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This is the website for the Texas Social Services:https://www.yourtexasbenefits.com/ss...me/ssphome.jsp
You can apply online.
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#31
12-03-2011, 10:52 PM
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I don't have any new advice, unfortunately, but I do hope that something comes through for you really quickly. You're always so kind and loving with people here, you're surely due for some good karma.
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#34
12-04-2011, 12:12 AM
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Hey Faithfool, do you have PayPal? I may not have any helpful information, or advice, or time; But I have a lot of sympathy and a few bucks. I know throwing money at a problem doesn't make it go away, but I'd like to give you something at least to help pay for your prescriptions/rent/copay whatever.
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#35
12-04-2011, 12:30 AM
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Quote:
But hold onto that thought - it IS out of character. Most of the time it's pain and fatigue speaking. And I agree with what jsgoddess said; when you're dealing with doctors, therapists, companies - don't try and put on a brave face and pretend everything is okay. Be honest. Brutally so. If it means you cry, so be it. But let them know exactly what situation you're in. Your husband is critically ill. You're in a precarious situation - you're not everydaywoman off the street. You're in extenuating circumstances, and you need all the help possible that can be afforded to you. I took the liberty of doing a quick google search for Texas Chronic Pain groups, and found a meetup.com group for Austin Chronic Pain Sufferers. I know you're in Dallas and they're in Austin, but you may be able to get in touch with some of them via meetup.com or email and they may be able to point you to other resources closer to your area. [Edit]: There's apparently a Chronic Pain support group that meets in Dallas on the first wednesday of every month http://www.voiceplaces.com/chronic-p...orth-807303-e/, but I don't know how recently that page was updated. Last edited by Sierra Indigo; 12-04-2011 at 12:33 AM.
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#36
12-04-2011, 07:25 AM
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Have you looked into going on disability (SSDI I mean) for the agoraphobia? If the stress of the situation is aggravating the condition so much, maybe you'd qualify.
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#37
12-04-2011, 08:16 AM
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faithfool, I was a caregiver too and feel deeply for you and what you're going thru. Here are some suggestions:
Departmant of Children & Families has an Emergency Fund to provide you food while getting the wheels rolling on food stamps etc. If you can, go to their local office because they have flyers listing other resourses. Get a notebook and divide it into two sections: in one write down every need you have and then everything you can think of that would help. In the other, write down each place/person you contact and after speaking with them jot down what they said. Often I would recall that somebody had given me a good tip, but couldn't remember who or the number etc. Medicaid should be stepping in Now. It covered ALL my brother's medical costs. Contact Social Security and tell them you need immediate help. You can also be put on it (Medicaid), and not have to worry about trying to pay for insurance. You say you're selling your computer. Actually, keeping it will pay off more because you need contact with resourses---and folks like us. But if you do, the library has them that you can use. Also, selling your car. Is it wise to sell it? I know you desperately need money but w/o it how will you get your husband to appt., how will you shop, how could you get to work? Buses aren't cheap anymore (here, $1.75 one way.) Plus the long wait. 211 for United Way, great idea. Getting matched up with a renter/helper, great idea. The link to help with utilities also. Also call Elder Care, AARP etc. even if neither one of you are old enough, because they know the resources out there and can help steer you toward what you need. Call your Suicide Prevention hotline. "Prevention" doesn't mean you have to be jumping off the bridge. It means stopping things before it gets out of hand. They can give you info on getting mental health care for you both. It may be difficult but, IMHO, stop asking your husband to "try" this and that. YOU do what it takes, with whoever, about whatever you all need and let him deal. And tell him you know he doesn't mean it, but you won't allow him to speak to you like that again. You'd be surprised how much restraint people can show when TOLD their behavior will no longer be put up with. That doesn't mean he can't complain or talk to you about what he's going thru; in fact, that would be a good thing. But you must stop the emotional abuse or you'll reach a point where you can no longer help him. You must be physically helping your husband walk. Make him use the walker and/or cane also, to help YOU. If not, let him lay in bed for awhile until he decides to comply. Remember, all the responsibility is yours right now which means you get to choose what is going to be done about it. Your family won't help? Don't talk to them right now, since you said your mother just adds to your burden. Who needs that? Call your free Legal Aid services. They can provide all kinds of help and also know resources for other needs. In fact, call every "free" service you can find in the phone book; somebody is going to, even inadvertently, turn you on to a lead that will prove to be most helpful. Take care of yourself while taking care of your husband. Eat. Rest. Keep in contact with the few people you reach even when it seems like too much trouble. We're pulling for you, and one fellow even offered you money! Take it. Hugz
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#38
12-04-2011, 08:24 AM
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One more thing. You're going to be inundated with papers to fill out. Believe me, they must be filled out right. The folks at DCF are thoroughly familiar with them and someone can help you fill out each batch, correctly. This is really important in order to avoid delays or even cancellation of services.
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#39
12-04-2011, 09:46 AM
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ff, have you tried contacting NPOs in your area? in Spain both the Red Cross and Cáritas (I think the US equivalent is Catholic Charities) offer services such as "caretaker relief", as well as financial assistance to tide people over when government help is not available or waiting to kick in.
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#40
12-04-2011, 10:44 AM
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My heavens! I am overwhelmed at the amount of responses and the outpouring of help. I've been crying reading through all this and I can't even imagine a better group of people than you guys. Each of you is amazing.
I'm not sure how I should go about addressing what all has been said since I posted last. If I answer each one, I'll over run MPSIMS and lay down another fifteen posts in a row or something. So I think I'm going to just try to hit the highlights. I hope that's alright with y'all. But first I need to let you all know this.... I never posted this thread looking for any money. It never even crossed my mind. When I've talked about our financial state, it's just been to show the unbelievable stress we're under and to try to find ways to cope / resources. I've gotten so many offers to help us (mostly via PM), and initially I turned those away, because I don't want this to be about taking money from you guys. But now I'm at a loss as to what to do, since the situation is so dire and I've been on the other side if the fence before where I've wanted to help (not much, of course, but a little amount). And I would've been heartbroken if I couldn't. So I don't know what to do. You're all so generous. I'll PM the ones who have offered here in the thread and I'll catch up on all that private correspondence as soon as I'm through here. Oh, and to the person who has already sent me some money via PayPal anonymously, you are an angel. I could never begin to thank you enough, so I'll simply say that I pray your kindness is returned to you a hundred fold. Thank you again. Okay, now to the actual catching up part... BMalion, again I'm so sorry. That sounds absolutely terrifying and disheartening as well. I'm so glad you have some money put back and like I said before, please know you are not alone. We are here for you. I'll PM you back today. Thank you again for taking the time to be concerned about me when you've got so much on your plate. You hang in there too. jsgoddess, thanks for more links. I had no idea there was a liver support group foundation. You'd think his specialist would've told us. And I know a bit about DADS from working with Meals on Wheels, so you're right that there another potential help, even if we're only in our 40s. Thank you. missinformation, I'd never thought of trying anything related to children for help (or the Salvation Army either), but I'll add them to the list of places to call starting Monday. As to getting the drug companies to help, I *had* heard of that, but didn't know where or how to start the process. Thank you so much for the link and I'll be talking to Jaceson's primary this week to hopefully get that ball rolling. Also, that link to Texas Social Services looks really promising. Thank you for all your help and effort. D/a, your suggestion got me thinking. Since I worked out of a senior center with Meals on Wheels, perhaps someone up there (not homeless, obviously, but in the same vein as your idea) might be able to move in with us, if the circumstances are right and would be beneficial to us both. Hmm. I'll put that on the list too and hopefully, they'll be a good outcome. And I'm always happy to 'see' you when I update the other thread. Those well wishes mean a lot to us. So thank you again. Good thoughts is what we need. Ferret Herder, Goodwill is a great idea. I know there's not one here in our little area, but there probably is in the town one over. I even know someone who used to work for them, that I can go talk to. Thank you for that suggestion! Alice, what a lovely thing to say. On a board this size, you never really know if anyone truly recognizes you, so to find you've made a positive impact on people you already admire and respect, well, that's a heartening thing indeed. Thank you for saying that and for wishing us well. It's so very much appreciated. I suppose I'll cut off my first reply there. Please bear with me as I type out the next. Thank you all.
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#43
12-04-2011, 11:27 AM
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#44
12-04-2011, 11:35 AM
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F.Pu, I actually have had some dealings with NAMI. Not many, but back when we lived in Greenville (back around 2003 maybe), is I'd gone to a support group of theirs. It was small, but do was the town. I'm assuming now that we're in the Dallas area, they'd probably be more prolific. So thank you. I'll look into it.
Thank you BaneSidhe. We really appreciate you. Wow Clockwork Jackal! What a generous offer. Despite what I wrote earlier, I still don't know what to say. However, I will PM you and say thank you, so very much. What a big heart you have. Sierra Indigo, I see what you are saying. I don't know why it seems so hard for me to keep that at the fore front of my mind. I'll try harder, especially if it helps Jaceson by keeping me from biting his head off. And I promise that I will tell whoever I talk to straight out, just like I am here, what's going on. I think I'm done, for the moment, putting on a brave face and I just don't want to shoulder all this alone. So yeah, straight talk will be how it goes. No matter what. That support group you listed for chronic pain sufferers sounds ideal and at least they're free. I'll see if they are still meeting and put them on the calendar. Thank you again. Miss Violaceous, we briefly talked to the person at the Social Security office and it's complicated. She said we'd need to be able to provide documentation concerning my conditions and, to be honest, I have no idea how we'd come up with most of it. The only things I know for sure is where and when I've been hospitalized, the last medications I took and my most recent therapist. Who all I'd seen for most of the past fifteen years and what all medications I've tried (which are tremendous in both counts), are lost. My husband had changed jobs several times over those years, so we can't even go back through insurance records to try and figure it out. Regardless, since I've now figured out that bare minimum, I'll revisit the issue on our next visit. Maybe it's an option. Thank you for the suggestion. Becky, I hope I don't miss any of your questions. You were very thorough. Check on Department of Children and Families. Hopefully that'll hook me up with some other services too and be able to help me with any paperwork, like you said. Check on the notebook. That's a wonderful idea, if just for this thread alone! We asked about Medicaid when we were at the Social Security office, and I could've sworn they said we didn't qualify. However, I'll double check again. As to the computer, we'll still have my husband's old one, plus my phone which, for now, has the Internet. So I'm not to the point of doing completely without. A good thing though, if we did have to forego having any, our local senior citizen center has free use and they're never crowded. So there's that. Now on to the car; we'll still have my husband's truck. There's no way we could get him to all his various doctor's appointments without a vehicle, so we won't be without one. Check on United Way, Elder Care and AARP. You're right that we're too young, but as has been mentioned repeatedly, they may be able to help, so I'll give them a call too. I have dealt with Suicide Prevention before. It wasn't a very positive experience, but I realize the experience is only as good as the person helping you. I wouldn't hesitate to call them again, but so far I haven't felt quite seriously suicidal yet. Only as a passing thought, which given my track record, is pretty benign. But thanks for the reminder. Good advice in dealing with the husband. I know I need to be more firm, but I've been putting it off because this all seems so dehumanizing and demoralizing to him anyway. We've already gotten into fights about me treating him like I'm his mother. < heavy sigh > But your right and I just need to step up and be more insistent and not take it personally when he reacts negatively. It's just so sad for someone once so vital. Check on the cane. He's agreed, as of last night, to do that. Yay for small victories! Ah, my mother. I wish it was as simple as just not talking to her, but she's the kind that inserts herself into the situation any way she can whether she's wanted or not. If I don't answer the phone, she'll drive up here and camp out on my doorstep until I deal with her. Sadly for my life, it's easier to handle her sporadic outbursts and negative moralizing, then to try and cut her off completely. I really can't deal with an intervention at this point, so I'll just quit bitching and ignore her. Thank you for all your help and suggestions. You're very wise and I'm grateful for you sharing that with me. Your input has been invaluable. Nava, I'm not sure what a NPO is, but I'll google it. I'll also at the Red Cross to the list though, and see if I can find anything under "caretaker relief" in our area. Thank you. I think that's everything this round. Thank you all again. You are wonderful people, who I absolutely adore. May whatever Higher Power you believe in bless you. And if you're a non- believer, may the fates smile on you. Love, Kemi~
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#45
12-04-2011, 11:41 AM
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#47
12-04-2011, 12:22 PM
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If you live in Texas, start here:
https://www.yourtexasbenefits.com/ss...me/ssphome.jsp https://www.211texas.org/211/search.do
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#48
12-04-2011, 12:43 PM
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I wish you were near me. It would be my pleasure to take you out for a special day while my husband keeps yours company for a few hours. But since I can't do that, I'd be very happy to help with a small gift card at a grocery store or drug store if you prefer.
PM me with a mailing address if you would like to accept my offer Faithfool. I'm sorry for your situation... BMalion, I'm sorry for your situation as well. If there is ever anything an old lady in California can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask.
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#49
12-04-2011, 01:52 PM
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Paradoxically, I suspect it would make him feel better to have to take more responsibility. He may not be able to do much, but it's a far better feeling to get to the end of the day exhausted because you pushed your limits (however meager they may be) than exhausted because you spent the whole day watching TV on the couch. Also, forcing him to start making decisions about his own healthcare will probably reduce some of the helplessness and depression. (Why is he not taking his meds? If he can sit in front of the TV, why can't he sit in front of the computer and work on finding resources to help you both, or at least compare different types of canes/crutches/walkers to use?) I'm not saying you shouldn't help him - he obviously needs a lot of help right now - but let it come more from him. Wait for him to ask for help. You probably think it's embarrassing for him to have to ask, but I'm willing to bet that it will feel better in the long run for him to ask a partner for a hand than for him to have passively allowed you to treat him like an ailing child.
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#50
12-04-2011, 02:18 PM
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