I’ve mentioned this in a prior thread or two, but I’ve never been neat, and over the past decade or so have finally admitted to being a proto-hoarder (meaning, clutter and mess but still able to move around the house, sit on the couch and furniture, use tables, no sanitary issues - I think some call it “first degree squalor”). Over the past four years or so, between un/underemployment, multiple ill family members, death in the family, and various other crisis type situation things went from cluttered to out of control. Although the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen were kept livable the front room filled up with stuff to the point much of it was un-navigable.
Needless to say, this was nothing to be proud of. On the other hand, I refused to beat myself up about it, because when, for example, mom was dying that was more important than moving boxes and dusting my front room.
Well, due to a scheduling change at work I found myself with six days in a row off. Also, the mother in law’s estate finally settled and the spouse and I received a middling-sized inheritance. Although we are saving the vast majority of it for totally mundane and practical things, we did get one indulgence - a flat screen TV. Which is being delivered [del]tomorrow[/del] later today.
Which means I had a deadline for the front room.
The spouse (bless him) knows me well enough to understand this could be a Bad Thing. So before we even went to pick out the new TV he planned out how to tack the Front Room of Clutter and we discussed how we’d approach it. I really can’t thank him enough for helping me with this. He knew there were several boxes of things from deceased relatives in there, which could kick off all sort of emotional issues for me. There is also the fact I truly, literally, am allergic to housework. Dusting, vacuuming, and moving boxes can result in sneezing, full-out coughing/wheezing asthma attacks, and the blooming of magnificent skin rashes.
We started two days ago.
The day would start with me taking a leisurely breakfast and hitting the computer for about an hour and a half - which sounds like an odd way to begin a clean up project, but the spouse was insistent I give the preventive allergy meds ample time to get established. I started with the extra blankets and sheets that had gotten parked on the couch and the two unfinished quilts I’m working on. Since then, we’ve thrown out 4 bags of garbage, consolidated eight boxes into two (and thrown out the old cardboard boxes), shifted another 14 boxes into a designated storage area in the massively large bedroom, thrown out some other stuff like bubble wrap, bags, and craps things had been wrapped in that were no longer needed, moved some other stuff to the storage area upstairs (mostly materials for my husband’s business), moved some furniture around, and done a lot of vacuuming/dusting.
(If you’re keeping count yes, that was 16 boxes of stuff we moved. Two years ago it was forty. I have been making slow progress. Yes, it would have been grand to go through sort/trash the stuff, but if we stopped to do that we wouldn’t get the front room cleared by deadline. We moved the stuff, but I’ll be continuing my slow sorting of what’s left. If I keep on schedule I’ll have gone through everything within six months.)
So far, I’ve only needed to hit the inhaler about three times, and no really bad attacks. Have only gone through about a half a box of Kleenex. I do have a bit of a rash on my right arm, but it’s under control. The spouse has been keeping a close eye on me, and has been insistent on break when either the allergies or my emotions start taking over.
Yeah, emotions.
The worst part was not coming across mom stuff, it was coming across the pictures of my deceased sister. Sometimes I can look at them with no problem, but this was one of the times when all the hurt and rage come back (How could she cause us this much pain?!?). Even when the emotions are positive I still find this so emotionally exhausting. Oh, and the memory thing - certain objects can trigger very strong memories, almost hallucinatory in their vivideness. In the past, many a cleaning project got side-tracked by a trip down memory lane. The spouse kept me on track, gently but firmly. Between that and the allergy meds I’ve had to do some napping, which means my sleep cycle is all shot to hell… and that’s why I’m wide awake at 2 am.
Do I feel better for having the front room (mostly) cleaned up?
No, I don’t feel better.
I feel very disturbed. I’m twitchy and anxious. I’m unnerved at the new configuration of everything and terrified I’m going to lose track of something vitally important (that’s not helping my sleeping, either). Constant low-level anxiety for the past three days. This feels bad!
Mind you, I know I will feel better. Give me a few days or a week and I’ll be ecstatic, but during the cleaning process itself I’m a horrible nervous wreck. Fortunately, I have a very understanding spouse who is aware of my issues, both emotional and allergic, and it very much helping me through all this.
Also, it’s not quite all the way cleaned up. We still have to move the counch and piano, but we were both so exhausted last night we said screw it and went to bed at 7 pm. It will get done, but because it wasn’t done last night I’m twitching it won’t get done in time for when the TV is delivered. Then again, I’ve been muttering the whole time it’s too much, we won’t get it done, etc. with the spouse reassuring me over and over that yes, it will get done, don’t panic, don’t exhaust yourself, take a break, eat something, dammit! (I lose my appetite under stress), and come back to this in an hour.
Other than getting the front room under control I still have to get some paperwork in to Public Aid (now that we’ve totally exceeded the asset limit we’ll be off food stamps as soon as it’s filed - haven’t used them anyhow since the money hit the bank but between the weekend and MLK day I can’t file the paper until Tuesday), do a mountain of laundry (may do just what’s necessary to get me through the work week and pick up the slack next weekend), and get some groceries in the house. At least we took care of setting up a savings account last Friday.
The spouse is in charge of getting the maintenance on both our vehicles up to date, including new tires for the truck (it desperately needs new tires - our current ones are twelve years old). After that… we’re going to sit on the rest and spend a couple months thinking about how to spend it in the best manner possible, which definitely might including not spending it but keeping a substantial portion as an emergency reserve.
Right now I’m miserable - tired, but can’t sleep due to how unsettled I feel, worried about finishing our current task before the new TV arrives, worried about the other things set to the side to do this (honestly, I haven’t been eating that well, and no real cooking for the past few days, just sandwiches and cereal, but once I get past this I can go back to healthy eating), worried about dealing with Public Aid one last time, worried about laundry, groceries, getting my tax stuff in order…
Really, I hate it when I do something like this and some chirpy person says “There! Isn’t that so much better?” No, it’s not. Not yet. Right now I’m sleep-messed-up, itching, sneezing, hands shaking from the allergy meds, emotionally wrung out, and vaguely disoriented in my own home. It sucks. It really does. This is why I hate this kind of housework, it makes me feel bad for several days before everything starts getting better. My spouse and I chanting “This will be a good thing!” is a mantra, and I expect the parrots will shortly be saying it as well.
So, how about an “atta girl!” and some encouragement to keep going? I could totally use some emotional validation from “strangers”.
