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Old 05-24-2013, 07:23 AM
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Five Word Movie Reviews


I had a little insomnia the past couple nights (the kind where you wake up at 2 am and can't fall back asleep for hours), and to occupy my brain while I was lying awake I came up with this little game.

Googling shows there are a few sites out there that do this (one's even "Four word movie reviews"), so it's not original, but I thought it would still be fun to see what you creative dopers come up with.

Rules are simple-- five words, compound words (ex: lightsaber) count as one word, but not hyphenated word pairs (I was going to use "plot-twist" as one word, decided that was cheating).

Here are a few I came up with in the middle of the night. A couple are spoilerish, but none are too new, other than "Oblivion"-- having two little kids we don't get out much. Some are more synopsis than review, but hey, I was only half awake. I bet you guys'll come up with better ones! Feel free to improve on movies I already did if you like.

Oblivion
Very attractive movie, nobody home.
OR
Way too much Tom Cruise.

The Godfather
Italian immigrant achieves American dream.

Star Wars Ep. IV, A New Hope
Good versus evil, plus lightsabers.
OR
Should still be episode I.

Looper
Hey, you're me! Stand still.

The Dark Knight Rises
Bane blathers, breaks Batman's back.

After.Life
You're not really dead, stupid.

The Sixth Sense
You're really, actually dead, stupid.

M. Night Shayamalan movies are good for this--

Signs
Invading aliens? Just add water.

The Village
Blind girl fetches medicine? Really?
OR
Monsters? Olden times? Not really.
OR
You'll guess both plot twists.

The Happening

Attack of the oppressed vegetation.
  #2  
Old 05-24-2013, 07:32 AM
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The Wizard of Oz
Girl kills once, then again.

Blade Runner
Man kills once, then again.

Sound of Music
Maria gets her problem solved.

King Kong
Big ape meets Big Apple.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Black Pearl
Why is the rum gone?
  #3  
Old 05-24-2013, 08:49 AM
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Star Trek: Into Darkness
Fandom seethes over villain's reveal.

The Terminator
Computers try to destroy humanity.

The Matrix
Computers try to destroy humanity.

Apollo 13
Moonshot disaster averted; heroes return.

28 Days Later
Rage virus creates living zombies.
  #4  
Old 05-24-2013, 09:39 AM
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The Big Lebowski
Mistaken Identity. The Dude Abides.

Saving Private Ryan

They go save Private Ryan

Mars Attacks
Jack Mugs While Aliens Plunder

Snakes on a Plane
Its exactly what it says
  #5  
Old 05-24-2013, 10:40 AM
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The Great Gatsby

Impressing your ex-girlfriend: overdoing it.
  #6  
Old 05-24-2013, 10:44 AM
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My Cousin Vinny
Italian American defends two yutes.

Rounders
Two poker players, one cheats.

Shakespeare in Love
Elizabethan-era awesome romantic comedy.

Dogma
Quasi-religious Kevin Smith flick.
  #7  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:20 AM
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Free Enterprise
Two nerds meet William Shatner.

Prometheus
Go watch Alien again instead.
  #8  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:26 AM
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Les Mis (the 2012 musical)
Great potential, but Russell sings.

Django Unchained
Pulp Fiction meets Mandingo & Wagner.

Life of Pi
Good kitty! If you're there.

Star Trek: Into the Darkness
Cumberbatch's identity poorly kept secret.

Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby
Shot in 3D and West-Egg.

Lord of the Rings
Rural gay midgets return jewelry.

Game of Thrones
Renaissance Faire with more nudity.

Last edited by Sampiro; 05-24-2013 at 11:30 AM.
  #9  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:30 AM
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Superman
How he came to be

Superman 2
How he kicked Zod's ass

Superman 3
Ditched Lois for Lana Lang

Superman 4
The franchise falls down dead

Superman Returns
Superman is a new daddy

Man of Steel
We'll have to find out
  #10  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:40 AM
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I did a bunch of these on another board. These are fun.

Independence Day
Smith talks sass, punches Alien.

The Wrestler
Old grappler has bum ticker.

Space Jam
Crazy critters recruit ball player.

Star Wars
Farm boy takes hero's journey.

Jackass
Idiots do tricks, hurt selves.

UHF
Imaginitive slacker inherits TV station.

Brian's Song
Fullback dies, his bud cries.

Firefly
Crazy waif hears space zombies.
or
Outlaws ferry doctor and sister.

The Last Unicorn
Horned equus battles firey bovinae.

Lost in Space
Jerkass doctor becomes space spider.

Liota
Frank Langella shows his wang.
or
Dirty teen seduces stuffy prof.

Batman
Clownish freak attempts poisoning city.

It's a Wonderful Life
Town's better when guy's alive

Goodfellas
Cokehead squeals on his buds.

Social Network
Smarmy jerk invents internet phenom.

Some Like it Hot
Crossdressing musicians hide from mob.

Repo Man
Punk, mechanic ride time machine
or
Lobotomized scientist hides glowing thing

My Fair Lady
Bluebloods wager on woman's life
Or
Phoneticist addresses East Ender's voice.
Or
Flower lady enjoys swanky ball.
Or
Mouthy broad yaps at horsetrack.
Or
Woman improves accent through song.

Abraham Lincoln; Vampire Hunter
Bearded statesman battles undead evil

the Fox and the Hound
Wild canidae befriends domesticated contemporary.

Finding Nemo
Widower, crazy woman save son

The Running Man
Chopper pilot fights light man.
  #11  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:41 AM
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Stephen Spielberg's Lincoln
Daniel Day Lewis a god.
  #12  
Old 05-24-2013, 12:43 PM
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Some oldies:

The treasure of Sierra Madre
Crazy Old Coot with Boggie

Citizen Kane
Really. A friggin' sled. Really?

Any of several cheap, 1950's B movies
Giant mutant something wrecks havoc

Last edited by OtisCampbellWasRight; 05-24-2013 at 12:45 PM.
  #13  
Old 05-24-2013, 01:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampiro View Post
Lord of the Rings
Rural gay midgets return jewelry.
10/10
  #14  
Old 05-24-2013, 02:11 PM
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Holes
Miscreants dig to "build character"
or
Kids eat onions in desert

Iron Sky
Space Nazis make brother Aryan.

True Romance
Lonely geek, hooker, sell coke.
or
Ghostly Elvis guides hero's actions.

Captain America
Knickerbocker fights madman on plane.
or
Hero stops bad guy's MacGuffin.
or
Super patriot beats super Nazi.
or
Dude with shield punches skull.

Simpsons the Movie
Oaf dumps poo in lake
or
Crappy city gets a dome.

Blazing Saddles
Cowboys eat beans and fart

Electric Horseman
Rhinestone cowboy hocks a cereal

PCU
Mischievous frat has successful kegger.
or
Slobs defeat politically correct opponents.
or
Happy Hogan dozes, gets keg.

Commando
Dude kills everyone, saves daughter

The Raid
Hero storms criminals apartment complex.
  #15  
Old 05-24-2013, 02:27 PM
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Titanic
Girl goes "flying", ship sinks

Flash Gordon
Eat hot photons, laser-breath!

Up!
Old guy finds new love

Twister
Hey, look! We got COWS!

Fatal Attraction
Hot affair; bunny gets boiled
  #16  
Old 05-24-2013, 02:28 PM
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Forbidden Planet Id Id Id Id Id.

Robinson Crusoe on Mars Astronaut's monkey finds hot dogs.

Escape From Alcatraz Yellow flowers piss off warden.

High Plains Drifter Ethereal town holds red picnic.

Psycho There's money in the trunk!

Alien Face hugger ruins their breakfast.

Aliens Marines get their asses kicked.
  #17  
Old 05-24-2013, 03:04 PM
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I knew there'd be lots of good ones!

Looking forward to seeing what more are added when I get back from a Memorial Weekend camping trip. May have a few more of my own to add, since I don't sleep well when camping...
  #18  
Old 05-25-2013, 12:36 PM
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Village of the Damned Alien spawn see brick wall.

Five Million Years to Earth Subway workers find bug films.

To Kill A Mockingbird Adicus shoots dog, loses case.

Family Plot Giant diamond hidden in chandelier.
  #19  
Old 05-25-2013, 12:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by solost View Post
The Godfather
Italian immigrant achieves American dream.
Scarface
Cuban immigrant achieves American dream

But maybe it's more appropriate to say:
Cuban immigrant attempts American dream
  #20  
Old 05-25-2013, 01:37 PM
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Good game - we've done it here before. Some of my favorite movies to start:

Breaker Morant
Three Australian soldiers get railroaded.

Dark City
Man wakes, discovers city's secrets.

The Incredibles
Superhero family saves city, selves.

Pride & Prejudice
Love always finds a way.

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Resourceful academic fights Nazis, wins.
  #21  
Old 05-25-2013, 03:15 PM
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Eraserhead:
Babies are evil, ugly, bad.

The Shining:
Hotel layout MAKES NO SENSE!

The Rocky Horror Picture Show:
Drag queens are really EVIL!!!!

Mommy Dearest:
Joan Crawford was a BITCH!!!!

Batman (either Tim Burton one):
Contrived wackiness substitutes for plot.

Batman (Joel Schumacher one):
Latex Bat nipples - 'nuff said.


Any movie starring Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider or David Spade

It sucks; don't bother watching.
  #22  
Old 05-25-2013, 07:11 PM
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Rear Window
Don't kill! Crippled man watching

The Birds
They join together and attack

Children of Men
First child catalyst of revolution

Jurassic Park
Bad idea but looks awesome

The Great and Powerful Oz
Savior is full of s**t

2012
Just watch for special effects

The Day After Tomorrow
That's not how global warming works. (Counting "global warming" as one word.)

Titanic
Ship sinks. Who cares. Leo!

Pulse
Guilt over cell phone usage

Scream
Serial killers who like pranks

Watchmen
Complex conundrums of superheroes' lives.
  #23  
Old 05-25-2013, 08:34 PM
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2001
Black slab inspires space odyssey

North by Northwest
Adman climbs up Washington's nose
  #24  
Old 05-25-2013, 08:49 PM
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Star Trek: Into the Darkness

plot point spoilered in 5 word review:
SPOILER:
The Wrath of Khan, again
  #25  
Old 05-25-2013, 08:58 PM
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Quote:
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The Godfather
Italian immigrant achieves American dream.
The Godfather Part II
What happened before and after
  #26  
Old 05-25-2013, 09:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by campp View Post
Forbidden Planet Id Id Id Id Id.

[
Monsters from the ID, OMG!
  #27  
Old 05-25-2013, 11:35 PM
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Toy Story
Wary sheriff makes new friend

Toy Story 2
Woody kidnapped; pals rescue him

Toy Story 3
Daycare toys' lives not easy
  #28  
Old 05-26-2013, 12:44 PM
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The Road
Just kill me now. Popcorn!!!

Lost in Translation
Couldn't envision a final scene.

Rent
Get jobs hippies! Nice songs.
  #29  
Old 05-26-2013, 01:04 PM
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Jesus Christ Superstar: Bearded man persecuted, gets cross.

Silence of the Lambs: Doctor invites others for dinner.

Mary Poppins: Dominatrix abuses children with umbrella.
  #30  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:01 PM
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The Hobbit: There And Back Again
Should've been only one movie.

The Impossible
HOLY SHIT IT'S A TSUNAMI!

Last edited by buddha_david; 05-26-2013 at 03:01 PM.
  #31  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:47 PM
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Armageddon: Morons make mincemeat of meteor
  #32  
Old 05-26-2013, 04:27 PM
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Hancock
Is this a superhero movie?

Shrek
Surprise! Ogres are beautiful too!

The Lion King
Kimba actually did it first

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Girl obtains vertically challenge harem
  #33  
Old 05-26-2013, 04:53 PM
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Quote:
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Lord of the Rings
Rural gay midgets return jewelry.
Funniest thing on the internet!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chefguy View Post
Mary Poppins: Dominatrix abuses children with umbrella.
And this a close second.
  #34  
Old 05-26-2013, 07:02 PM
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And this a close second.
My initial thought was "Dick Van Dyke must die".
  #35  
Old 05-26-2013, 11:19 PM
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My initial thought was "Dick Van Dyke must die".
My five-word review would be, "Worst British accent until Costner."
  #36  
Old 05-27-2013, 12:44 AM
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This thread:
Summaries, not reviews.
  #37  
Old 05-27-2013, 09:22 AM
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This thread:
Summaries, not reviews.
Killjoy.
  #38  
Old 05-27-2013, 10:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampiro View Post
Lord of the Rings
Rural gay midgets return jewelry.
I had heard it as:

Gay midgets return stolen jewelry.
  #39  
Old 01-28-2014, 06:15 PM
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Bumping with some more movies I've seen recently:

Man of Steel
Reboot is 'way too long.

Limitless
Pill changes man's life forever.

Silk
Tedious movie, but Keira's lovely.

Oblivion
Cruise's character is badly misled.

A Serious Man
Coen Bros. retell Job's travails.
  #40  
Old 01-28-2014, 08:35 PM
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Heh...I saw the title-- "Five word movie reviews". Hmmm, sounds familiar...

I think this is my first revived zombie thread (if less than a year old counts). Yay! Thanks, EH.
  #41  
Old 01-28-2014, 08:38 PM
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Cloud Atlas

Tom Hanks eventually gets it.
  #42  
Old 01-28-2014, 08:40 PM
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Gravity

Space: the final frontier ... OOPS!
  #43  
Old 01-28-2014, 08:42 PM
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Iron Man 3

Better than the second one
  #44  
Old 01-28-2014, 08:43 PM
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One's a summary, one's a review.

Now I have to go back and see what I wrote last year.
  #45  
Old 01-28-2014, 09:44 PM
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My all-time favorite was a 3 word review:
Titanic
Icy dead people
  #46  
Old 01-28-2014, 09:56 PM
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Star Trek: Generations

Shatner can do horse tricks.
  #47  
Old 01-28-2014, 10:50 PM
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Inside Llewyn Davis: Another Bob Dylan, he ain't.

Captain Richards: Oh look, the Davinci boat.
  #48  
Old 01-28-2014, 11:21 PM
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Quote:
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My all-time favorite was a 3 word review:
Titanic
Icy dead people
Nice. Mine was just one word, for Xanadu: Xanadon't.
  #49  
Old 01-29-2014, 01:20 PM
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Dark City
No daylight. Figure it out.

Thor
Aliens do Shakespeare, destroy town.

Thor 2
Aliens do Shakespeare, destroy spacetime.

Signs
These aliens are really stupid.

Iron Man
Terrorists cause crisis of conscience.

Iron Man 2
Doesn't Doc Oc fight Spidey?

Iron Man 3
Fanboys rage, others, "a kid?"

Pride and Prejudice
Hottie cast as Darcy again.
  #50  
Old 01-29-2014, 02:27 PM
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Under the Dome
Same plot as Simpsons Movie.
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