It’s that time, for my 9 year old. She’s not there yet, still got her little girl body with no sign of budding, but I know it’s coming. While we’ve had ongoing talks all along about bodies and sex, she’s beginning to grok that this is more than just an academic subject and likely to become personal in the next few years. I’d like to get a book to accidentally leave laying around so she can absorb the information as quickly or slowly as she needs to.
When I was her age, the bible of puberty books was What’s Happening To My Body? I see that it’s still on the market, in a revised edition. Is it still good? Is it the best, in your humble opinion?
Taking Charge of Your Fertility is on the horizon, but that’s probably going to wait until she’s been menstruating for a couple of years. Right now I’m looking for things on breast development, body changes and how to handle periods.
When I asked this a few years ago for my niece and nephews I ended up getting the niece the recent revised edition of “Our Bodies, Ourselves”. Might be a bit more info than you wanted but maybe not.
Thanks for the suggestions! I’ve ordered The Care and Keeping of You One and Two, as well as It’s Perfectly Normal (which I’ll probably hang on to for another year or so in order to not overwhelm. That one has the Sex Stuff in it.) Our Bodies, Ourselves is already on my shelf, although I should probably review it to see just how out of date the information in it is, and perhaps order a more recent revision.
According to the Booklist review of What’s happening to My Body?, the for the newer edition “Madaras has made significant changes to reflect the younger age at which children are now reaching puberty. She has cut out the chapters about sex, birth control, pregnancy, and STDs, although she includes a rich appendix of resources on these topics. Mostly, the books concentrate on the physical changes that occur during puberty, with new chapters designed to serve as “owners manuals”…” So rather than being the one stop shop it used to be, it sounds like the same stuff is in The Care and Keeping of You, only with a more embarrassing to a nine-year old title. So I think I’m going to hold off on that one, at least until I’ve reviewed Care and Keeping and make sure it says what I want to teach her.
They arrived yesterday. She’s not home until tomorrow, so I’ve been reading the first one and most of it is very good. There are a few things that I’m not in agreement with, but I decided to make lemons out of lemonade; I’m writing little notes on Post-Its and sticking them on the pages. Things like, “Ask me why I don’t like this paragraph very much! ~Mom”* and, “There’s one more option besides tampons and pads - come ask me about the Moon Cup! ~Mom” and “Tampon applicators can NOT be flushed in Chicago’s old plumbing, even if they say “flushable”! Please wrap them in toilet paper and put them in the trash. ~Mom” Only about a half dozen notes were needed, so it’s really quite a good book.
Hopefully these prompts will help her feel curious and comfortable coming to me for more information or with questions.
Overall, great books! Thanks again!
*A paragraph implying that beautiful actresses are not “Real Women”, but your mom and teachers are. I understand the goal - to promote realistic beauty standards, but c’mon. We don’t need to bash the beautiful to make ourselves feel better. Jennifer Lawrence is a real woman, too. Hollywood doesn’t cast unreal women, just a too narrow selection of real women.
I liked your idea of post its. Hopefully she receives them in a positive and not negative tone.
I do have a question. I knew about menstruation because my mom was not shy about hiding it when that happened to her, so I knew about what she went through (thankfully I do not go through her cramps and associated physical discomforts).
I thought your daughter then would know quite a bit about it? At least that you used the moon cup?
Or perhaps for once, my mom was progressive about such things (she’s conservative about others)?
Unitarians use “Its Perfectly Normal” for sixth grade OWL. Its a little more sex and a little less puberty than is probably appropriate right now, but its a very good book that talks about (or at least mentions) all sorts of things she won’t get from public school (like anal sex and abortion and homosexuality).
Moon Cups may be a little frightening to a nine year old who is probably built kind of small (I can’t wear them and I’m 47, sexually active, and have given birth - but I can’t do a tampon either). Another option is Party In Your Pants for the reusable pad if you are going for the lower environmental impact and she isn’t up for inserting something into her vagina.
I was kind of flabbergasted that she asked “what’s a period?” myself. I distinctly remember us having several conversations about it in the past. Like The Care and Keeping of You, I used the “nest” metaphor to describe the uterine lining, and told her how if I had a baby, it would grow in that “nest”, but since I didn’t have a baby growing in my uterus, the “nest” slowly turned to liquid and fell out. She’s seen me change pads and sadly said, “Oh, but I want you to have a baby!” (NO!) I don’t think she’s ever seen me empty my Moon Cup; it can be a little scary looking if I end up with menstrual fluid on my fingers, so I do that when she’s not in the bathroom with me.
She’s been leafing through A Child Is Born since she could turn pages. She’s played with condoms and knows that “men wear these on their penis when they have sex, so that people don’t get germs from each other,” and that some people use them to have sex and not make babies, but that there are other better ways to do that. She certainly knows where babies come from, but I guess there are some dots that haven’t connected yet.
I think maybe it was the word “period”? I guess it’s possible I haven’t used that word. Or maybe she just wasn’t ready to process the information in the past and so she immediately forgot all about it. This is why I’m not terribly concerned with exposing them to “adult information” too soon. What they’re not ready for, they usually don’t take in, or don’t remember. Sometimes psychological defense mechanisms are a good thing. This is why I don’t do one The Talk. Lots and lots of little talks, and sooner or later it all gets through.
Yeah, I told her I got it for when she’s ready for it in a year or two, but that there was no rush. Or if she feels ready now, she’s welcome to try it now. Or she can start now, decide it’s too boring, and read it later. Whatevs. I will leave that up to her.
She’s on the couch reading the first The Care and Keeping of You now. She leafed through to find all the Post-its first, but I asked her to read it and ask when she gets to each one, so she has the background information and we can talk about it. She’s already asked me to get a couple of other books listed on the back.
Ah, got it. So she probably didn’t make the association “Oh, this will happen to me as well” (or it was not explicitly pointed out). I do remember pads and I do remember blood. Mom wasn’t squeamish about that stuff with me, while I’m squeamish about that myself when around her (or anyone else). Probably because she grew up like that with her sister.
It is cool that you have now a new reading list of books to look for and read before her.
I also wonder, what you did with your son? Surely there were some equivalent books?
He got some early Where Do Babies Come From chats and a couple of “Why does my computer suddenly have porn pop-ups on it, Son?” talks and then the What’s Happening To My Body Book for Boys and never wanted to talk about the mechanics again with Mom. He did initiate a couple of conversations of the “Why are girls are so confusing?!” type where we talked about practicing relationships before bringing sex into the equation. When his first sexual encounter appeared immanent, I asked a male friend of mine who he was close with to make sure he had a condom and knew how to use it. By the time of the big event two days later, he had a dozen condoms and a dozen friendly chats from a dozen “uncles” who saw what was about to happen!
But aside from a couple of reminders that deodorant was not optional anymore, and showering needed to happen more often, there wasn’t as much body maintenance education required. With boys, things get bigger and hairier and smellier, but not a whole lot different. And my son is a lot more private than my daughter, in all topics.
9 years old is way too young to start puberty. Females used to not have periods until 17. That was before they started putting hormones in meat, and before everyone ate lots of calories and processed foods. Whether it’s genes or she’s been eating junk food, it’s time to start eating vegetables. I’m a vegan male and I went through puberty really slow, as it naturally should (voice was still high at 15).
It really shocks me that parents actually talk about this stuff openly, like “porn popups”.
Females used to have crappy nutrition during their lifetimes, delaying puberty past biological norm. Menarche at 17 happened in Europe in 1850. That’ll happen when you eat little more than moldy bread in your childhood.
Wealthy, high caste Indian girls from 500BC to 500AD had an average age of menarche at 12. These girls were eating well before hormones and processed foods. They just had *enough *food. Classical Greece and Rome during the same time period saw girls menstruating just a year or two later than Indian girls. The age of menarche in classical India - PubMed
Average age of menarche in the US has declined by about 4 months since 1973. Median is between 13 and 16 and the 95-98 percentile is 15 years.
The idea that our girls are having their first periods significantly earlier than “normal” is false. They’re getting their first visit from Aunt Flo right around the same age Greco-Roman girls did.
Or did you miss the part of my post (that you quoted) which says “she’s not there yet”?
There is plenty of reliable information about this topic available, not sure where you’re getting yours from. For example, research by Cornell University:
It shocks you that parents are discussing normal human development so they can best help their children to understand what is going on with their bodies? And you compare this to porn? Maybe you would be more comfortable in Europe in 1850.
