A very brief background for those that didn’t know; I used to live with my Mom, Step-Dad and a “million” other siblings and now I have recently moved in with my Dad and Step-Mom. My soon to be official Step-Mom has a 9 almost 10 year old son.
Recently my new step-bro and I had this conversation almost word for word;
After that he left the room somewhat frustrated I guess but I know that he will rephrase the question and ask me again at some point in the near future.
I was discussing this with my friend back home over the phone about the occasional “do I have puberty?” questions and he said that I was over-reacting and that I should know how 10 year olds talk because of all my siblings and cousins that have lived with me at one time or another when I was with my Mom.
I agree with my friend but on the other hand how many questions like this before I become concerned?
For the time being we have to share the same bedroom and the topic in some form has been brought up (by my brother, not me) every night for the last few nights. Although we will soon be “related” I don’t answer his questions like I might if we had been living together for years. I have only known him for a few weeks so answering a question about puberty doesn’t feel right to me so I don’t say anything really but he continues to ask. Sometimes the questions are about puberty in general and sometimes they are somewhat personal like the above exchange. When I tell my step-bro to ask his mom he says that he is embarssed. When I say ask my Dad he says he doesn’t like talking about this stuff with parents because it embarrasses him.
I need some advice should I tell his mom or am I over-reacting to normal questions from a curious 10 year old?
Would it be appropriate to let him read this book I got in Junior High that explains everything he could possibly want to know?
I think I’ve read that book. I forgot what it’s called, but I think it had “puberty” in the title (it might’ve just been “puberty.”) I’d say give him that book if you can find it.
IMO, I’d find giving factual answers of this kind easier with somebody I don’t know all that well. On the other hand, you may still not want to (and nobody’s expecting you to have all the answers, anyway), so I’d certainly recommend giving him an appropriate book. Your step-mum will probably be thankful that it means she has less questions to answer herself!
Perhaps you might sidestep the question: “You may know what you mean by that question, but it is non-sensical.” But IMHO it is really his parents - your father and stepmother - that should be answering these questions. Sex talk with an adult step-sibling is really not on these days.
I don’t know that “adult” is really the word to use- if I remember correctly, isn’t START about 14 or 15? The fact that he’s not quite an adult may be why he’s getting someof these questions.
I agree with monica. It’s often easier to ask a peer than to take a chance and get reamed by an adult who thinks you shouldn’t be getting interested in that stuff until you’re 25 or so (or at least out of the house). I have the opposite problem of being so clinically oriented that I embarass my daughter at times because I give her the detailed, unvarnished truth about certain things. Given STARTs age, I would caution him against giving factual answers unless he’s well-read on it. However, he can give a valuable, first-person account of what it has been like since he was 9 or 10, and what his step-brother-to-be can expect. START can also give his s-b-t-b a dope slap when he sees him make or is about to make a stupid mistake. Siblings are peers, not parents, and are in a really good position to say “Look, I know what you’re feeling because I just went through it, and this is how/what I did…”
It may be why he’s getting the questions, but it doesn’t mean he should be addressing them.
Answering as a stepmom- you have just moved in with your dad and stepmother. I’m assuming, based on your descriptions in the past of how much time you spent with your dad, that you are still getting to know one another/build a relationship. I would be all kinds of pissed off if I found out that my stepson- someone I didn’t really know- was had taken it upon himself to share this kind of information with my son. Peers are one thing- kids talk, and there’s nothing that can be done about it. But a significantly older step sibling? Uh-uh. What if she has specific ideas of what she wants her son to know/not know, or ways she wants to address the topic? You may not agree, but it is inevitably her right to raise her son as she sees fit. Best way to deal with the situation is to take stepmom aside, tell her that her son is curious about the topic and is asking you questions, but you decided it would be best if she handled it. And then let her handle it.
Plus, if you’re sharing a room, it looks much better if you keep the sex ed to a minimum until you have proven yourself to her. Just a CYA suggestion.
I can empathize w/ bobkitty, but hope she would get over the anger at the new stepson quickly and realize it was somewhat misplaced. After all, it is the son who is pushing the issue, and you can’t really fault a 14-15 year old for not knowing exactly how to handle a challenging, awkward situation.
I do agree with her recommendation, talk to your dad or stepmom. This is the kind of thing they get paid the big bucks for. (yes, I realize parenting doesn’t really pay the big bucks).
Also, this is an ick factor, but realize the kid’s interest in this topic may be increased a little bit because of the changes in his living situation, with his mom about to get married. All the more reason the parents need to be the ones setting the record straight and setting boundaries.
Jeebus-the kid just wants to know about the changes that may already be happening to his body. He needs information, not ignorance.
If I were that kid-I would for sure ask an older sib before a parent, hands down, no question.
What is wrong with giving the 10 y/o the book. I would also have Start tell his Dad that he gave the kid the book.
bobkitty --I think you need to relax a bit here–you have no control over what your kid is hearing on the bus or at school, either. Why assume the worst from the get go?
I give you kudos, Start for trying to do the right thing. Be sure that your Dad and Step-Mom know, though.
Exactly- and would you want the information to be accurate, coming from a parent who knows the child and knows what the child can/can’t understand or assimilate, or from a step-sibling he barely knows who can only speak from his own (limited) experience?
What is wrong with it is start is overstepping his bounds- he himself said he got the book in junior high, which is closer to the 13-14 year old range. We don’t know what’s in the book, and neither we nor start knows whether it’s the kind of information the stepmother wants her son to have. What if it talks about homosexuality as being a sin, and the mom disagrees- or masturbation as being okay, and the mom is a fundamentalist who thinks it’s wrong? Start doesn’t know his stepmother or stepbrother well enough to be making those kinds of decisions. Do you know start? Do you know what kind of beliefs he has about sexuality, or what level of knowledge he has? Do you know it gels with what his stepmother believes, or how much knowledge she wants to impart at this stage of her child’s life? Until we have those answers, I stand by my post.
Take a closer look at my post. I clearly addressed this:
In my experience, it’s a hell of a lot easier to discount what a peer says (“Gee, son- Johnny told you you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her? Isn’t this the same Johnny who told you last week that he was Superman and could fly?”) than it is to discount the Words of Wisdom from a (perceived much older, experienced) sibling.
This is exactly my point… start can tell his stepbrother whatever he wants to, give him The Joy of Sex for all I care- AFTER he consults with his stepmom to make sure it’s all right. Who knows- the stepmom may be relieved that he has a potential role model that he’s comfortable asking these questions. I just don’t support the idea of start running around giving his stepbrother books and answering his intimate questions of his own accord.
Why d’ya think the answers so far have focussed on factual questions and answers? How she might ‘want’ to address a particular topic doesn’t change anything. If the kid was asking “is it wrong for me to use barrier contraception”, then fine, you’d have a point. But you can’t suggest it’s possible for a kid to not know about puberty.
the book I had in mind has a drawing of a boy during different stages of puberty. It seems to me that the one of the main things my bro wants to know about puberty is how big his “equipment” is going to get before it’s all over.
Ok, so from the responses it seems I should go to my stepmom and say “your son keeps asking me these questions can I give him this book?”
As for my Step-Mom’s views on sex bobkitty, all I know is that;
“*Homosexuality is a mental illness…” * START’s Step-Mom.
If it was me, I’d give him the simple truth " Yup, most guys my age are going through puberty" because that may be all he wants to know. He might just be trying to figure out how long it will be until he does too by using you a benchmark. If he does ask more questions, ask your parents if it’s okay to lend him the book. Even if they say no, they’ll get the point that he has questions more appropriately addressed by them. Alternately, if he’s being insistent about an answer tell him to wait a minute and go ask a parent what you should tell him - odds are they’ll go talk to the kid instead.
Barring all of the above, leave the book under your bed, and he is sure to find it.
We are not talking here about how to make WMD’s-we are talking about a natural, expected process.
I still don’t get why he is not allowed to talk to his step-sibling about puberty–especially since the step is GOING thru puberty himself!
bobkitty --I balked at your reference to not having a not so well known stepchild bring up sex/puberty with your kid. I took it to mean that you were concerned that molestation might occur.
Nothing could be further than the truth, here.
Also, given this woman’s enlightened approach to sex ed–I would definitely go to my Dad, not her and ask him to mention it to her etc. It may not be direct etc, but I have a feeling that this woman will freak if Start confronts her with this unwelcome news. So many parents don’t want to address puberty and sex with their kids. I hope this situation is different, but I doubt it.
I will lay money that the reason 10 y/o is asking is b/c he isn’t getting answers from Mom or is uncomfortable asking her (fair enough) and does NOT have that kind of relationship with his step- Dad, as yet.
I’m not saying (not that I think this is addressed solely to me) that he isn’t allowed to ever talk to his sibling about puberty, or anything else related to sex. I’m saying that until he has addressed the issue with his dad and especially step-mom, he should err on the side of caution and not get involved. Once he explains the situation to them and receives their blessing, he can feel free to go into as much depth on the topic as he (and his parents) see fit.
I can’t help but think back to the kids I hung around with in high school. These were smart, smart kids- colletively we were the top 10% of the class- but they were 17 years old and utterly convinced that you could get pregnant if you were in a swimming pool with someone who ejaculated. That was what came of having their sex ed come solely from siblings- siblings like to (pardon the expression) fuck with your head. It’s somewhere in the job description. Now, that’s not to say that parents can’t do the same thing, either out of ignorance or malice, but it’s a bit less likely. And I’m not saying that start has any motivation at all to mess with his stepbrother. But I am saying that ultimately it’s up to the parents to decide what level of education they want their kid to have, and therefore start should check in with them before answering his stepbrother’s questions. Plus it looks really nice- “Hey, stepmom, Johnny has been asking me some questions about puberty. I’d like to answer them, but I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it. Would it be okay if I answered some of the stuff I have experience with, and sent him to you and dad for the more in-depth stuff?” It shows he has respect for his stepmom and her relationship with her son, PLUS it shows that he wants to have a role in his step-brother’s life. Very important in the step dynamics.
No- I was actually cautioning start on minimizing the appearance of impropriety until his stepmother had a chance to become comfortable with him. Dad’s son or no, he is a relatively unknown 16 year old boy sharing a room with a sexually curious 10 year old boy… who knows what the 10yo could say if mom went off the deep end about him being curious? Reading the OP, I had this scene playing out in my head where the stepmom freaked out that her son was asking questions, demanded to know who put ideas in his head about such things, and the kid saying “start!” Now, if start’s stepmom knew him better, it would be easier to convince her that nothing improper is going on. I’m just, unfortunately, a naturally paranoid person.
I think I’d first point out to the kid that pubert is a process, not a disease; you don’t “have” puberty, but instead “go through” it. I think that’s a whole lot of both parties’ frustration in the conversation mentioned in the OP–the kid is phrasing his questions in a way that makes it hard to be sure what, exactly, he’s asking. So the OP is frustrated by what seems to him like a nonsensical question, and the kid is frustrated by what seems to him like a stupid non-answer to a perfectly straightforward question.
I’d answer clinical questions to the best of my ability (and remember that “I don’t know” is always preferable to information you can’t prove) and parry personal questions with “That’s personal and really none of your business.” Tell your dad that the kid’s asking questions. If he and Step-mom have a plan in place for dealing with the puberty issue, they can implement it post-haste. If they do not (many parents of kids that age don’t), they can figure out how they want to handle it.
I wouldn’t ask permission to answer the kid’s questions, though; for every person Bobkitty knew growing up who got totally inaccurate info from their friends, I knew one who’s parents didn’t want them getting any information from anywhere. 'Cause, you know, nice girls don’t think about or do those things. Most of them were pregnant before they hit 16.
I don’t think you’re over-reacting - it can be disconcerting to get hit with sex questions out of the blue.
On the other hand, he trusts you enough to ask, and isn’t embarassed either. Which is all to the good.
Answer his questions, AND tell his mom that you did so. If she freaks out over it, she probably would even if you didn’t answer at all.
Be sure your answers are strictly factual.
He might be asking about puberty, in which case tell him that puberty means that you start to grow hair around your penis and testicles. Your voice gets deeper, and you start to develop an interest in sex and girls. He might be asking about erections, which also happen more often after puberty, because of the aforementioned interest in sex and girls.
But being afraid you might get accused of sexually molesting the kid because you answered a question seems like more of an over-reaction than a calm, factual response.
For heaven’s sake, kids ask questions. They have a right to a straight answer. That’s what grown-ups are for.
[possibly related anecdote]
I was riding in a car with my sister and her son. Out of a clear blue sky, my nephew asked me, “Uncle Shodan, what’s a blowjob?”
If you think you were taken aback by an unexpected question…
[/possibly related anecdote]
