Last weekend while driving with my 14 year old son when he asked me if it was possible to masturbate “too much”. While I stiflled a smile we discussed the question and I told him I did not think there were any physical issues related to frequent self-gratification but, as with anything, moderation is best and it would be bad if it became so frequest as to be an obsession.
What I am proud about it that his question made me feel like I had established the sort of relationship I really wanted with him which is trusting and open. Over the last five or six years I brought up sexual topics in a matter-of-fact sort of way hoping to avoid that single awkward birds and the bees talk like I got from my father. Our discussions have included talk of masturbation previously so it wasn’t as if this was a new topic but I was pleased he was the one who started the conversation this time. I really am proud that I succeeded in making him feeling comfortable enough to talk to me about what could be an awkward subject.
I thought I would ask if anyone wanted to share any similar oddball moments when you realized your parenting strategy was paying off?
The only time my father said anything about masturbation to me is when I was 14. He said if you are ever hopelessly lost in the woods, you ought to start jacking off. Someone was bound to run into you unexpectantly.
I didn’t ask him if that was the voice of experience.
I was having a cold beer at a bar when my phone chimed. Text message from my 17 year old son:
Always happy to help him out, I replied affirmatively and asked what he needed. He texted:
:eek: I nearly fell off my bar stool. Total loss for words. Sweating nervously. I finally replied, asking if it was for a school project. (combination hope and levity). He replied:
Then my phone rang. It was my son. Laughing. He could just imagine my predicament. Turns out he was reading a piercing forum (he has stretched earlobes) and someone mentioned black bondage tape as being a useful tool for managing stretched lobes.
I was picking up my 15 year old daughter from her boyfriends. It was at the end of my workday, and I was tired and cranky and the car was quiet for a few miles. then she says… “So, I just lost my virginity.”
Thanks for putting words to my feelings at that time BigBadWolf. I wasn’t mad, worried or embarrassed. I was damn proud that she felt she could say that to me, very matter of factly. We’ve also been open about sex in raising our kids, and that was a big payoff
After I got over my surprise, I gave the reply some thought. I went with “Whatcha think?” She said “I was expecting something alot…better!”
Seems the damn movies, music and TV got her expectations a leetle too high…
So, uh, BigBadWolf and HotDogWater, I have a soon to be 9-year-old, and I myself grew up in a controlling, repressive household. I want to be open, and informative, but not inappropriate. Any tips?
I had vowed to do my best not to make sex an awkward or embarassing thing to talk about with my children by 1) not deferring questions and 2) not coming across as awkward or as embarassed as I actually felt by trying be “matter of fact” about it.
This first came into play around the the age of eight or nine when my son asked about where babies come from. I told him the man’s penis becomes hard and fits inside the woman’s vagina so it can fertilize an egg which grows to a baby inside the woman. (I presume this is SFW and not a spoiler for anyone out there ). He was a little perplexed but that set the stage for me to say if you have questions you can ask me and I’ll do my best to explain.
Every few months I’d ask if he had any questions (which he rarely did) and over the years would bring up age appropriate subjects like wet dreams and contraceptives. Sometime we’d talk about if for a bit and he would say “Dad let’s talk about something else” and I would readily change the subject; other times he had more questions about the topic at hand.
What has really made it work for me is just being matter of fact about the subject and not being afraid to bring it up. At least 90% of the time these conversations occurred while we were in the car and I would just start by say “you are getting to the age where might be wondering about …” and go from there.
It’s 100% true what people say - they grow up fast and your son is probably ready for talks like this sooner than you think.
No kids here, but I do love the very useful info from Dan Savage (who is also dad to a probably-teenage-now boy) to teen boys, which includes the useful “vary your masturbatory routine” advice. Spoiler-boxing the link for NSFW language, just in case you haven’t already tripped your workplace’s filters: The Stranger: Seattle's Only Newspaper
Yup - I have advised my son of that information; awkward but advice I hope he will heed. I also told him the 98% of men surveyed said that they had masturbated and the other 2% are liars (just as a reminder that it is very normal).
It’s stories like this that make me have hope that this will happen to me someday.
I answer all my kids’ questions about sex and other grown up stuff more completely than they would like.
I was so proud the other week when my eight-year-old daughter said to my husband that she had a problem and needed Mommy. Turns out she has been rubbing herself (I don’t know if it counts as masturbating before puberty?) to the point that she made her skin raw. I didn’t even bat an eyelash and explained that I know that it feels good and that it’s okay to do but she should stop if it gets sore (and I gave her some cream to ease it).
I was so impressed that she thought it was okay to share and then that I was fast enough on my feet to make sure I seemed okay with it.
This is part of the reason I’m thrilled that we are never going to have children. I never have to worry about being asked or having to talk about sex with my kids.
I’m happy for you, but feel like a failure by comparison. I am the mom of a 14 year old son. I hope that’s the difference. We’ve had some pretty matter of fact conversations about sex, drugs, and drinking, but never about masturbation. I think he’d rather staple his own tongue to the kitchen counter than talk about it with me.
I’m going to consider it a small victory that we’ve talked more about more than I ever talked about with my parents.
I am, indeed happy for you. It sounds like you’re doing a great job. That’s nothing to sneeze at.
Hell, when I was 14, I was masturbating so much I wore a sore just under the head. It had to heal and scabbed over. Not only did it hurt like a sumbitch, I couldn’t jerk off.
So, in short, yes.
I’m 51 now, and if I knew then what I know now about lube.
By the way, one of the best and cheapest sources of lube is available at Home Depot in the electrical department. Klein Tools sells a water based lube that is, basically, KY Jelly. But unlike KY, this stuff is $6.96 a quart. From the description: Clear, slow-drying, non-staining thick gel lubricant is harmless to humans and safe for the environment.
A quart should last the average 14 year old a few weeks, at least.
). He was a little perplexed but that set the stage for me to say if you have questions you can ask me and I’ll do my best to explain.