Last night I came across yet another sad internet posting from a teenager bemoaning her virginity, absence of a boyfriend, and her fear of never having one. It was a sad post, one revealing a ton of self-hatred and despair. The comments she received were overwhelmingly supportive. “Don’t worry! You’ll get a boyfriend one day!” and “You gotta love yourself before anyone else will love you, gurl!” were the most common responses.
Of course, I chimed in too. I told her that even if she never found a boyfriend, life would still be okay. And I said I was a testament to this. Remarkably, I was the only one who said anything like this. I don’t know if the OP read it or not. I hope so.
Naturally her post reminded me of current events and discussions here and elsewhere about how we could prevent the next Elliot Rodger.
I don’t think Elliot Rodger is emblematic of much. I’m kinda-sorta fine concluding he was a fucked-up dude who would have done what he did no matter what society or his family did. But I do find myself thinking about people who aren’t dangerous like he was, but who are still suffering from pain like his. These people can’t possibly be productive citizens if they are loaded down with that much misery. I think it’s in society’s bests interest to help them be as productive as they can be, even if they will never be criminal menaces.
Whenever I read articles like this or this or I have a suspicious encounter with someone, all I have to do is remember that Harriet Tubman went through a lot worse. And then I instantly feel better. When I’m the only woman in a staff meeting and I feel like my voice isn’t being heard, all I have to do is think of Cecilia Payne-Gaposchkin (thanks Neil degrasse Tyson!). And I feel better.
But there is no one* I can turn to when I experience that sense of alienation I feel when I’m around a bunch of people who are all married/been married or dating/seeing someone. This alienation happens more than I would like to admit, because I’m NEVER around people like me. When someone makes a “40-year-old virgin” joke within earshot or playfully teases a friend that “they need to get laid”…or when someone nudges me and asks if I’ve been on any hot dates lately, I have little in the way of a defense mechanism to counteract the negative feelings. I can’t ask myself “What would my hero X say in this situation?” because there is no X. All I can do is shrug it off and try not to dwell on it. But it sucks sometimes.
Most people can’t identify with these kinds of feelings. They think they can, because there was that one summer between the eleventh and twelve grades when they didn’t have a boyfriend. Or maybe they were a late-bloomer too, having been a 20-year-old virgin and all. But most people simply don’t know what it’s like to be in Elliot Rodger’s shoes, let alone someone older. So they don’t really know what to say to help people like this when they open up on the internet. What happens is you get a lot of “tough love” stuff that sounds good (“YOU GOTTA LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE ANYONE WILL LOVE YOU, GURRRL!!”) but none of it makes the alienation or the horrible feeling of being the “only one” go away. Sometimes people even scold the person for feeling bad about their situations, like they want the guy or girl to feel ashamed for being ashamed. Even the well-intentioned “Why should anyone care that anyone’s a virgin?!!?” is annoying.
So it should be no wonder to us why people turn to negative energy sources, where they are exposed to horrible ideas…which only convert their feelings of despair into rage.
What is needed are positive role models for folks who, for whatever reason, just aren’t in relationships. So-called losers who need someone like Harriet Tubman who can lead them to the underground railroad of self-acceptance and happiness. Other stigmatized groups have positive role models. So why shouldn’t everyone?
But it will never happen, I’m afraid. I know there are successful, smart, admirable, good-looking single people, but they don’t appear to live in Hollywood or any other place where celebrities are. Their stories aren’t found in People or Us. They may exist, but they sure don’t leave around a lot of positive imprints on the internet. Perhaps it’s because there aren’t a lot of cool people who are confident enough to go around announcing their romantic inexperience in public. And then there’s the uncomfortable fact that people like this truly *are *rare. Even many of the asexuals on AVEN are in relationships and aren’t virgins.
I guess all society can do is put all our hope in already strained mental health services and cross our fingers that this is enough for the lonely loner to feel better about their circumstances. But I’m very skeptical things will change.
Thanks for reading my long and rambling thoughts!
*Except for this badass