I’ve never been one for elaborate backstories so here’s the basic plot.
The alien grays or lizards or whoever is the flavor of the week have abducted you and taken you on their ship to the dark side of the moon for an intimate examination. You manage to contact your inner Bruce Willis, Will Smith or Milla Jovovich and take over the ship, terminating with extreme prejudice all of the crew with any combat abilities. The only ones you’ve spared are the few drone types needed for navigation, communications, and engine room maintenance duties.
Now you have your very own UFO to tour the solar system with. Sorry, no supra-light capabilities. It was dropped off by a carrier for a three year research tour and momma’s not due back for a while.
You’ve kicked around and checked the monolith in Tycho and the pyramids on Mars. Now you’re tired of playing space tourist and it’s time to land on good old Terra firma. The comm gear is capable of sending and receiving on any frequency from AM to the latest Encrypted Frequency Hopping Spread Spectrum equipment used by the military. With a convenient universal translator so you can actually have a conversation with whomever you dialed up. You’ve also got the personal cell phone numbers of all the world leaders because the aliens make the NSA look like script kiddies.
So what’s it going to be? The White House Lawn? Munich? Taj Mahal? Start the biggest auction in eBay history? What ya gonna do?
No ship based weapons other than the stun system for the acquisition of hominids and bovines. Crew weapons seemed to be based on some sort of neural disruption effect that is adjustable from stun to death. No disintegrators, phasers, or disrupters.
It’s so obvious. Land outside of Scarlett Johanssons house and ask if she wants to go for a spin in your new space ship. Also tell her that Space Protocol requires she wear her Black Widow uniform onboard. Swing by a deli to get some snacks, and then ask her where she wants to go, and absolutely stay away from all the Uranus jokes. You’re a Space Captain now, act like it.
The ship has an ECM suite that’s literally light years beyond anything we’re prepared to deal with. No radar, lidar, or IR signature, visual tracking only. Any missiles that do get within effective range will suffer catastrophic systems failures. Ballistic weapons are a threat though so you’ll have a real bad time if you get within range of a Phalanx gun or a Vulcan cannon. Most of the samples we have in Area 51 made that mistake. Not rated for submersion and no visual cloaking. Lighting on par with a search and rescue helicopter so you’ve got running lights and spotlights. No Close Encounters light shows. You would have to nick the mothership for that.
I would tool around for awhile, then land in Helsinki, Finland in mid September, 2017 for the 75th World Science Fiction Convention. A trick like that would probably get me a lifetime pass and free drinks, don’tcha think?
Right outside the mansion where the Heaven’s Gate suicide happened. I’d linger there for a couple minutes as if I was waiting for people to come out and board. Then pull away.
Arrowhead stadium, Kansas City MO
Thursday Evening September 17th during halftime.
I want at least 70,000 live witnesses and live TV to see me get off of the ship.
You people are crazy thinking about landing at area 51, military bases, DC etc.
If you do something like that the “official” report may state that there were no humans on board and you may end up as a dissection experiment noted in a folder in the X files.
A big public event would at least give me a chance to survive.
Also, I could probably snag a ride to my house from there.
Question.
Does our ship have the appropriate orifice probes on board? The heavy duty kind?
Because if it does, I’m thinking Trump Towers and, well, you fill in the rest.
