Ikea- Sweden’s Revenge.
Step 1.
First you must take a vast expanse of inner-city land, preferably an area already used to provide unique and slightly off-the-wall public entertainment, such as a League football ground, or a dog track. This land must be bought up and then bulldozed flat to be replaced by car-parks, ensuring that another irreplaceable piece of urban leisure is destroyed and thereby contributing to the slow death of the inner cities and the creation of a car-less underclass.
Ideally this area should be situated right next to a major inner-city motorway junction. This will achieve the “double whammy” of ensuring that the site is seen by the maximum possible number of motorists, whilst also helping to achieve gridlock and locking up the local road network.
Now build a huge, vast, fucking colossal warehouse on the site. Make it big. Make it ugly. Make it really, really ugly. Then, just in case anyone might still feel it still has some infinitesimal trace of aesthetic appeal left, paint it all bright blue.
Step 2.
Fill the warehouse with crap. Make some of the crap dirt-cheap pre-assembled furniture that will stun the cretinous and gullible with it’s sheer affordability. This low price is achieved through having these items assembled out of balsa wood and stuck together with bogies by the under-12 inmates of special learning establishments for “God’s Special Children with Challenges”.
Make other items of crap horrifically tasteless, taste-raping monstrosities with arcane Scandinavian names, like “Cumgjargler”. Ideally, paint them all in vile shades of puce or “Rancid pus yellow”. The remainder of the warehouse can be filled with flat cardboard boxes containing slabs of chipboard thrown together at random by 2 acid casualties and an anti-social bastard.
Make customer pathways through the warehouse that leave it impossible to make any trip into the store without making a 4-mile round trip through ever single area. Then crowd these pathways with “Care in the Community” patients stupefied with barbiturates and armed with trollies. If at any point the paths miraculously clear, use cattle prods to herd vast throngs of young children, their faces a raging torrent of glutinous strands of snot, across the pathways to bounce excitably on the furniture.
At the checkouts a special ambience is required. Therefore the entire area has been designed in homage to the queue for the soup kitchens in Belsen. Traumatised shoppers can then happily while away hours clinging to their packages of assorted crap, tat, garbage and trash in the gloom, whilst reading the signs declaring “Achtung! Don’t lift anything over 50KG, you worthless scum!”
Step 3.
Take your “Cjocksukkr” flat-packed “patinised pine” dresser out of the store. Naturally this involves a four-hour wait in a howling gale for your other half to queue for a parking space in the pick-up area, unless you fancy carrying half a tonne of Sitka Pine a mile or so to where the carparks are so thoughtfully sited on the other side of the warehouse.
Next, attempt to assemble the fucker. Read the instructions promising that the item can be casually thrown together with just a Phillips Screwdriver and a hammer. Decide that the author of the instructions was probably brain-damaged and take the more realistic allocation of a stanley knife, a hacksaw, a large roll of gaffer tape, a torque wrench, a crowbar and several friends.
Put it together. Naturally, several vital screws of arcane design will be missing, so improvise with bent nails. Before starting, save yourself a few hours of heartache by letting the dog eat the instructions. They were only included in the pack to mess with you mind.
Assemble the dresser. The dowellings that are meant to fix it together may need gentle coaxing into their holes- I recommend a 16 lb sledgehammer and some vaseline for this job. Open completion of the task, admire your handiwork for a few moments before dismantling it to put several pieces back the right way up. Of course, at least one piece of wood in a prominently visible place will be split, splintered, or just plain missing. Improvise with putty.
Congratulations on purchasing you IKEA dresser. Now dry your tears, staunch the bleeding and contact a good lawyer.
