#1  
Old 09-25-2001, 10:08 PM
Chickenhead Chickenhead is offline
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http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/go...dont_kill.html

Good job, Onion.
  #2  
Old 09-25-2001, 10:12 PM
Guinastasia Guinastasia is online now
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Dammit, God is right!
  #3  
Old 09-25-2001, 10:20 PM
Searching For Truth Searching For Truth is offline
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Yeah. I dig it.
  #4  
Old 09-25-2001, 10:29 PM
ultrafilter ultrafilter is offline
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I just got over from reading the Onion, and I think they did a terrific job this week. Well done, Onion-men!
  #5  
Old 09-25-2001, 10:33 PM
dropzone dropzone is online now
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You tell 'em, Big Guy!
  #6  
Old 09-25-2001, 10:37 PM
reprise reprise is offline
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The phrase "and God wept", reminds me of something which was written in one of the condolence books at another tragedy (a school bombing, from memory) "God's heart was the first to break..." - as apt now, as it was then.
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Old 09-25-2001, 10:39 PM
LifeOnWry LifeOnWry is offline
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Nicely done. ::::: applause for the Onion :::::
  #8  
Old 09-25-2001, 10:45 PM
dropzone dropzone is online now
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LifeOnWry, you've been onboard here for--what is it?--two weeks and you already broke 250 posts. AND I haven't wanted to punch you yet. I'm impressed.
  #9  
Old 09-25-2001, 10:47 PM
Ringo Ringo is offline
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I'd become a little bored with The Onion, but I'll have to say that was good. I just emailed it to my 84 year old Xian Mom. She'll like it.
  #10  
Old 09-25-2001, 11:01 PM
Johanna Johanna is offline
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beatle - your Mom's in China???
  #11  
Old 09-25-2001, 11:36 PM
Yue Han Yue Han is offline
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It was awesome. Check out my new sig.
--John
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Gao.
  #12  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:07 AM
Arden Ranger Arden Ranger is offline
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[/quote] Hijackers Surprised to Find Themselves in Hell
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.[/quote]

So there.
  #13  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:15 AM
ElwoodCuse ElwoodCuse is offline
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I don't have the link handy, but there was a MPSIMS thread where we all made our own Onion-style headlines. Few if any people chastised us for being cruel. And now I must say this is the best Onion since the Election. Great job!
  #14  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:25 AM
Rossarian Rossarian is offline
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Wow, I think Onion offended me less than the MPSIMS headlines did. Of course, I lauged more at the MPSIMS headlines, too.

In fact, the creepy thing was that they were seriously making points. Maybe they always do and I don't notice, but the article about the Jerry Bruckheimer film had that picture of the debris billowing through the NY "canyons" and the whole unreality of it all came back.
  #15  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:32 AM
DoctorJ DoctorJ is offline
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I wondered how the Onion would handle this, and I think they did a spectacular job.

I laughed out loud at their "Holy Fucking Shit" logo.

Dr. J
  #16  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:33 AM
Drastic Drastic is offline
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Quote:
In fact, the creepy thing was that they were seriously making points.
And that, to me, is the beauty of the Onion; it's what happens when they're really on. Reductio ad absurdums as a telling artform--one of my clearest memories of Our Dumb Century (well, aside from the "Holy Shit! Man Walks on Fucking Moon!" transcript, which nearly made me pee myself the first time I read it) was a bit on the developing Reagan-over-Carter landslide, featuring respective photos of them, with the captions (paraphrased):

"Carter: Let's talk better gas mileage.
Reagan: Kill the bastards!
Which will America choose?"

I think what I'll carry from this week's issue the longest is the graphic for "U.S. vows to defeat whoever it is we're at war with," the map of the earth. Legend of "possible locations" and "confirmed locations of the terrorists", the map of course consisting solely of the former.
  #17  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:35 AM
RickJay RickJay is offline
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My favourite part of this week's Onion was the "Talking to your kids" part. It's a dead serious, quickie history-and-current-affairs lesson on what happened. Not a joke in it. Very classy.
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  #18  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:35 AM
MEBuckner MEBuckner is offline
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Rossarian, I think The Onion has been "making points" for years about a lot things.

Yeah, an outstanding job in general, I thought, and "American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie" was especially good.
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  #19  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:43 AM
Rossarian Rossarian is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by MEBuckner
Rossarian, I think The Onion has been "making points" for years about a lot things.
I've never read it much, but I guess when I did, it was always just looking for a good laugh. And when they are making points about they morons of the world like Jerry Falwell, it just registers as funny instead of deep, since I already think those kind of people are messed up. Suppose I'll pay more attention now.

But I refused to believe there is much point to Herbert Kornfield.
  #20  
Old 09-26-2001, 04:58 AM
Fern Forest Fern Forest is offline
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Ah if only t'were true, t'would be t'werrific.

I liked one of the ways they're thinking about how to make America safer "U.S. maps re-drawn with thicker, bolder border."
  #21  
Old 09-26-2001, 05:42 AM
blur blur is offline
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I had never been to The Onion before. I've seen it mentioned here a million times, but just never bothered to check it out. Holy shit, the thing is funny. It definatly is going to be a regular stop for me now.
  #22  
Old 09-26-2001, 05:56 AM
TwistofFate TwistofFate is offline
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quite possible the best possible tribute America could come up with at the moment.

Aside fron the classic Onion parts ( "Horrific Attack on Pentagon: Page 14" ) the Jerry Bruckheimer Movie article and "God angrily Clarifies "No Killing Rule", are some of the best articles I've read that deal with the events.




Onion, you are a class apart.
  #23  
Old 09-26-2001, 06:28 AM
dave99 dave99 is offline
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RickJay, the joke in the "Talking to your kids" part is that the description that they give is far too complex and detailed for a child to comprehend.

Not that any of us can really comprehend...

Anyway, a fine issue if the Onion. Good to have them back.
  #24  
Old 09-26-2001, 08:33 AM
hawthorne hawthorne is offline
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I liked the cake story. The Onion can be brutal and searingly cruel - actually I was a bit disappointed about the general tameness of this issue - but it also can be simply and truthfully sad.
  #25  
Old 09-26-2001, 09:05 AM
BunnyGirl BunnyGirl is offline
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Brilliant. Abso-freakin'-lutly brilliant.
  #26  
Old 09-26-2001, 10:27 AM
UncleBill UncleBill is offline
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I loved this part, it fits my opinions to a tee:

Quote:
So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit.
  #27  
Old 09-26-2001, 10:34 AM
TwistofFate TwistofFate is offline
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Is anyone else getting a completely blank page on
http://www.theonion.com ?
  #28  
Old 09-26-2001, 10:47 AM
Chef Troy Chef Troy is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by TwistofFate
Is anyone else getting a completely blank page on
http://www.theonion.com ?
Yeah, I am too.

Now THAT is some amazingly minimalist satire.
  #29  
Old 09-26-2001, 10:54 AM
23skidoo 23skidoo is offline
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IE wouldn't let me see anything, but Netscape did. Weird.
  #30  
Old 09-26-2001, 11:34 AM
Amp Amp is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by GOD in the 26SEP01 issue of the Onion
"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!"
This is my favorite line from the whole article.
  #31  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:19 PM
Miss Creant Miss Creant is offline
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Originally posted by ElwoodCuse
I don't have the link handy, but there was a MPSIMS thread where we all made our own Onion-style headlines. Few if any people chastised us for being cruel. And now I must say this is the best Onion since the Election. Great job!
QUOTE]Originally posted by ShibbOleth
I read the link that says the Onion is going to be hands off for at least this week. From that perspective, I think the most likely headline is going to be something like this:

Terrorists Shocked To Find Themselves In Hell
"This wasn't in the brochure," complained Khalid al Midhar. Al Midhar, a well known terrorist and houri fan claims that bin Laden told him that Heaven would be his reward. "I certainly wasn't expecting Eternal damnation", said another terrorist who refused to give his name, "perhaps we should have read the Qur'an a bit more closely." Bin Laden could not be reached for comment.
[/QUOTE
  #32  
Old 09-26-2001, 12:33 PM
Miss Creant Miss Creant is offline
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here is the
link
  #33  
Old 09-26-2001, 01:09 PM
RTFirefly RTFirefly is offline
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Holy fucking shit, that was a classic!

I thought it had just the right touch. Of the parts that haven't yet been mentioned, I especially liked the bit down near the bottom of the front page where Bush Sr. apologizes to Dubya for funding bin Laden back in the 1980s ('We called them 'freedom fighters' back then - I guess you really had to be there.'*)

*Paraphrase; can't get to the page right now. You think it's getting a lot of hits today?
  #34  
Old 09-26-2001, 01:27 PM
ThunderBunny ThunderBunny is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Chef Troy
Quote:
Originally posted by TwistofFate
Is anyone else getting a completely blank page on
http://www.theonion.com ?
Yeah, I am too.
Now THAT is some amazingly minimalist satire.
I always have that problem on Wednesdays. I'd guess that they've lately gotten to be so popular, that their servers can't keep up with the requests, especially on days that they are released (Wednesdays).

The tone of this one is definitely more subdued. I can't blame them, and think it's definitely in good taste. Though being in bad-taste has never stopped them before.
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  #35  
Old 09-26-2001, 01:32 PM
Stoid Stoid is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by RickJay
My favourite part of this week's Onion was the "Talking to your kids" part. It's a dead serious, quickie history-and-current-affairs lesson on what happened. Not a joke in it. Very classy.
Umm...the whole piece was a joke...because it was far too complex for children to understand. I was cracking up.
  #36  
Old 09-26-2001, 02:01 PM
lurkernomore lurkernomore is offline
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It isn't a Netscape vs. IE. It's traffic. I couldn't get it this AM, just had it pulled up, the LAN ad wanted me to install a patch, I had to reboot, and now I can't finish reading it...
  #37  
Old 09-26-2001, 02:02 PM
Rosebud Rosebud is offline
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I'm loving what I've managed to see of it so far but like some of you, I'm having a lot of trouble getting the pages to load. Still can't get to the God, cake, or Talk to Your Kids articles. Glad to see someone else say it, though, because we're also having network problems here at the office-- at least it's not just me!

Consequently I can't get the page up right now to get an exact quote, but the Bruckheimer article got me. Paraphrasing, but I like the parts about how we're all waiting for the credits to roll, and they won't, and the action movie buffs saying how awful these things are in real life.
  #38  
Old 09-26-2001, 02:12 PM
Strainger Strainger is offline
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I also got a blank page with IE, but was able to pull it up with Netscape. So far I like it, and I haven't even clicked any links yet.

"Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What?"

BWAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!
  #39  
Old 09-26-2001, 03:06 PM
BunnyGirl BunnyGirl is offline
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I printed off the "God" article and have it hanging on my bulletin board here in my office.
  #40  
Old 09-26-2001, 06:15 PM
Strainger Strainger is offline
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I about cried when I read the God, Bruckheimer, and cake articles. I wonder if any of my local bookstores sell The Onion in newspaper form. I want to keep this one.
  #41  
Old 09-26-2001, 09:14 PM
Jeannie Jeannie is offline
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This is the first time I remember the "Onion" bringing tears to my eyes. Well, tears that didn't come from laughter at least. Loved the "God" article. I think I'll make copies and show it to people.

And the one about the cake. Geez, that hit close to home. I didn't actually make a cake, but we hung a flag in our window and I'm wearing red, white, and blue ribbons. I know it doesn't really help anything, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something.
  #42  
Old 09-26-2001, 09:53 PM
Saltire Saltire is offline
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And the Onion is displaying an ad banner for the Salvation Army. We are definitely through the looking glass.

Great issue.
  #43  
Old 09-27-2001, 02:21 AM
king of spain king of spain is offline
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What struck me was how true the "Irony, Cynicism May Be Obsolete" article was - can you imagine an Onion article that ended with a tearful hug or with God weeping before this?
  #44  
Old 09-27-2001, 05:06 AM
Lux Fiat Lux Fiat is offline
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This week's Onion was just about perfect. If any Wisconsin or Chicago (or wherever else you can pick up print copies) Doper wants to grab an issue or five for me, I'll be happy to pay postage to have it sent my way. My email's at the bottom. I want to be able to show this to my damn kids, when they ask me why I hate Robin Williams, and scream, "This! This is Serious Comedy! Not that Patch Adams shit! No dinner for you!"
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