Dear Euro-turds

The BBQ Pit
1

Die, you arrogant bastards. Die screaming for mercy. Die slowly, baked alive in a flaming pie of dog excrement. May you live only long enough to see everyone you have ever loved dragged by their feet through the streets of Calcutta behind an incontinent elephant overdosing on methamphetamine. Then die, your orifices having been reamed by a sharpened meat tenderizer, your genitals sandblasted, your eyeballs punctured and drained of fluid, your hair set afire, and your nose, ears, and nipples chewed off by rabid hamsters.

You pompous, condescending ASSES. You have the effrontery, the chutzpah, the unmitigated gall to come to my country on your Fucking “holiday” and say that five thousand people are dead and “That’s the way it goes?” FUCK YOU, SIR. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. Fuck your fat smiling wife and your ugly motherfucking smiling kids. Fuck you all the way back to Bristol or Leeds or whereever the Fuck you’re from. Sweet Jesus, I hope to God the next terrist attack is directed exactly at your happy home on 100 Assbag Lane, England. And Tony Blair gets on the TV and says “We will not be retaliating for this attack, because Goddamnit, they only killed assholes this time. Nice Shooting, Osama!” I’d say you people are a disgrace to your country, but you’re a fucking disgrace to humanity first.

And as for you, Dutch boy, let me introduce you to an American tradition called the ass-whipping. As in, if you make one more remark about how Americans are stupid and American women are easy, I’m going to drive you way the fuck out into the swamps of Florida, find me some Jethros looking for a good time, and beat until you scream that Queen Beatrix is a ape-felching whore. After that, I’m gonna give you the choice. You can jump into a four-foot cage with a wild hog in heat, or you can spend a couple of hours with some good old boys who’d be happy to help you reinforce your sterotypes of Americans by renacting “Deliverance.” I’m sure they will be very impressed that you can name all 50 states “and some of the capitals,” and deeply ashamed that they cannot do the same for your nation. Or perhaps they’ll just shoot you.

And for every other fucking euroshit coming to America, allow me to introduce you to a fucking concept called a fucking guidebook. In this amazing book, you will be made aware of that strange and unusual customs of the nation you will visit. In America, for example, there is this strange ritual called the Tip. ANY fucking two dollar guidebook to America will give you guidelines about whom to tip and how much. Futher, since we’re freindly people, ask a concierge, bellboy, desk clerk, FUCKING ANYONE and they will helpfully tell you how to fit into our society and whom to tip. The only way you can NOT know is if you are a selfish, arrogant fuckface with no desire to respect his hosts or even provide fair compensation for services rendered. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I am sick of you people acting like our culture is an imposition on your vacation. If you don’t want to tip, stay the fuck home, you self-absorbed septic tanks.

OH-- but, wait, I’m forgetting. It’s only Americans who are rude tourists. Europeans are tolerant and respectful visitors; which is why every fucking beach in Thailand has some fat wrinkled German businessman in Speedos next to his topless, flabby-titted wife, wondering why the natives are so shy.

Look, dicksnot, just because you watched Dallas doesn’t mean you know what our country is like. Just because you think Burger King is the highest-quality cuisine we have to offer doesn’t mean you can walk around like you’re the missionary forced to live amongst savages. Just because you choose to spend thousands of dollars on vacation doesn’t mean you have the right to insult the people trying to give you a good time. And just because your taxi driver is smiling and nodding while he listens to your inane drivel doesn’t mean he isn’t a heatbeat away from stopping the car, bashing your head into the dashboard and shitting down your throat.

2

And before somebody starts bitching, if you’re european, polite and a decent tipper, I’m not talking to you.

3

. . . huh?

4

Yes, that rant lacked a named target, but goddamnit, it was good!

:smiley:

Maybe later he’ll say what he was railing against.

:: Nipples chewed off by rabid hamsters, dragged down the streets of Calcutta by an incontinent elephant on speed, “Nice shooting, Osama!”, American traditional ass-whipping, and knocking heads into dashboards and shitting down throats! Gold, all gold! ::

5

and pretending they’re acrobats forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging into queues and if you’re not at your table spot on seven you miss the bowl of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of International Cuisine, and every Thursday night the hotel has a bloody cabaret in the bar, featuring a tiny emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and some bloated fat tart with her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners

6

Lay off Leeds, Furt. My ancestors came from there. I’m just a few degrees from being pissed off with your post – and am waiting for an explanation.

7

I’m going to employ my psychic powers here, and say that furt is a cab driver, or knows one, in some place where European tourists congregate. I’m also going to say that the bad tourists are the only ones you notice, American, European, or otherwise. Nice tourists tend to either blend in, or get eaten by the local fauna.

8

I think this is what set him off

Which come on, would piss off anyone. “Your dad died? Oh well, it happens.”

And it sounds like there twice as ignorant since isn’t Burger King a British business? Owned from Manchester?

9

From furt’s profile:

Does James Randi know about you?

10

Dammit, MEBuckner, I had that million dollars! I had it! Except for those meddling kids and their damn dog.

11

Fuck you, Mr. Colonist.

12

Mutual, I’m sure, Aegypt.
Wolf: Dear God, no! Please don’t be pissed! I’m so afraid!
Exactly right, Trucido & MEB. I drive a taxi part time in Orlando, meet lots of foreigners, most of them fine people. But this weekend, had

  1. English Dad who wanted to talk about 9/11, (he brought it up) and then proceeded to do so in a tone of voice suited to spilling soup on your pants. Sounded like he wished it would all go away as it was putting a damper on Disneyworld.

  2. Dutch kid (19 or 20) who did nothing but bitch about how Americans are dumb, America sucks, he can’t buy a beer, etc., but at least American women are easy. I swear to God that in talking about how superior he was, he said “I can name all 50 states, and some of the capitals.” This guy was just begging me to ask him to prove it.

  3. Got stiffed three times, including by #2 above.

My basic piss is that I am sick of hearing Europeans whine about how Americans are inconsiderate and culturally obnoxious but then they do the exact same crap. Tipping is a concrete example. It is an American cultural practice, just like taking off your shoes in a Mosque, bowing in Japan, etc. But I routinely get no tip or a piddly tip from europeans. Now any guidebook is going to tell you the rules of tipping, and it doesn’t take much effort. If you forget, ask someone. But these people go blissfully along, not bothering to realize the people they are hurting and offending, because they aren’t in another country, they’re in America. And as a fare once told me: “I know all about the States. I watch American TV.”

13

Awwwwwww You didn’t get a big enough tip, did you?

Poor thing.

14

Okay, furt – you’ve got a valid point. Despite the

I hope that wasn’t sarcasm, BTW. I’m proud of my ancestry.

Personally, I’d class some tourists as a seperate biological genus, myself. Some of them act that way around here, too.

15

Saved your self a roasting there.

It would be rather too easy to repost your OP substituting American for European and the 9/11 remarks with some local catastrophe.

So we can agree then that your issue is with obnoxious and ignorant tourists with little sensitivity and arrogance excuding from every pore ?

Fine I’m with you there.
But lets call them Touro-turds as opposed to Euro-turds as they seem to originate from just about everywhere.

16

Well, let me tell you, Americans coming over here are just as bad, and frequently worse. Let’s blame television for teaching us stereotypes about each other, and the Atlantic Ocean for making sure we don’t see each other in the flesh as often as we ought to.

Regarding your points:

  1. Sounds almost like Americans talking about Norhern Ireland, the ETA bombings in Spain, Balkan politics, or organized crime in the former Soviet Union.
  2. With the kind of movies Hollywood makes for his age group, who can blame him? The geography trivia probably has something to do with the well-known “fact” (in Europe) that Americans don’t know any geography except what’s on the weather forecast maps (and, let’s face it, what other country needs the text “London, England” along the bottom of the screen when a movie shows a shot of the Big Ben?). He still comes of as a prick, of course.
  3. Tipping: practices for tipping varies between different countries, and American standards are the highest in the world. The dollar is also sky-high right now, which may lead some people to believe that a tip is not expected. Still, as you say, this is probably one of the first things you should look up before going to a foreign country.
17

Hey, next time, try this:

FURT: “Hey, guess how many fingers I’m holding up?”
EUROTRASH*: “How many?”
FURT: “One.”

(One finger is all a REAL American needs.)

[sub]Note: I in no way wish to imply that I consider “Europeans” to be “Eurotrash”. “Eurotrash” refers to snotty, arrogant, assholic people who happen to come from Europe.

18

Bolding is mine on this one. Sorry I know this is gonna be lame but it’s not a ape it’s an ape! Jizzy frickin’ chrizzy man. You never precede a word that starts with a vowel with a always an. Do you got that?!?

19

Oh yeah, your damn tip is equivalent to respect for another individul’s god.

Jeez, you don’t care about insults to American tragedies or American intelligence or American women. You’re just pissed 'cause you were under-tipped.

20

Some people worship money, Bill. :rolleyes: