Dear Deer,
Highways are a function of the state government. I suggest you follow the example of your kinsman [3rd para] and see the governor of the state in which you currently reside.
Deer Deer,
You are stupid, tasty and unarmed.
That is all.
– A. Rifle and A. Fender just waiting for you – take your pick
Dear Deer,
You are a lovely sight
When you are in my sights.
I love to see you bound with delight
When my loud gun gives you a fright.
You are very pretty
But I’d rather have my kitty.
If we left you alone, you would not condone
The look you’d have of skin and bone.
So run and play in the streets all you wish
The wife is at home cleaning the serving dish.
Yes, please move this sign closer to my home! The great thing about this is that when you hit them with your car, they are already pre-tenderized. The auto insurance takes care of the damage to the car, and one does not have to spring for the $$ for ahunting license!
A friend of mind once landed his plane (with me in it) on a grass strip runway, and on roll-out, a herd of deer ran in front of us. He got kinda tense at this, but I looked thru the whirrling prop and could only think of pulled pork BBQ…yeah, I know that should of been pulled-venison, but you know how stuff goes through your mind in a split-second crisis situation.
Yummm…I want me some Bambi.
Dear Cervidae,
We have been folowing your territorial negotiations with the bipeds with great interest. At this juncture we are no longer able to deny that our cause has much in common with yours, and that measures should be employed without delay to control the invasive population of this clawless and hoofless menace.
That we may work out the finer points of a long-term solution to this predicament we suggest a conference in a mutually acceptable common area, a nice wide-open glade of high grass, perhaps. We truly look forward to eatin…er, MEETING you.
–Ungrilak T. Wolffe
Dear deer:
I was wondering if I were to leave a tasty treat of this garlic, and herb mix that I’d like to leave for you, would you be good enough to eat from it? Also, perhaps, lie down and , um rub it all over yourselves first?
I have this theory about diet affecting the taste of meat that I’d like some confirmation of and I can’t get the fish to eat the Old Bay seasoning I leave for them.
Oh, after you eat the tasty mix, feel free to cross the highway across the field behind my house.
Mr Bus Guy.
A Note From The Department of Ruminate Urban Terrorists,
For too long we have had a terrorist amongst us, hidden in the sun dappled forests patiently waiting for the opportunity to attack and destroy decent American citizens with their suicide missions, particularly on SUV’s and severe damage on smaller cars
It happens with no warning. Darkness is their greatest advantage. Newer recruits tend to freeze up during their first initial run and stare at oncoming headlights. Your duty as a car driving American is to give no quarter and run these terrorists down. ( Then have your picture taken with them as they are strung up from a tree to warn other suicidal ruminates to deter them to a more decent quiet existance until they are blown up by the annual Purge of the Glen every fall and mounted above someone’s fireplace.)
British Terrorist Ruminates are a much smaller cell and effectiveness. Still, the potential for serious injury still exists.
They are not alone as an example of the Brotherhood of the Moose and it is just not confined to terrorizing the travel byways of our fair country. Here is a clear picture of an Unidentified TerrorMoose attacking the infrastruction for the communications systems.
These ruminants posessing no morality whatsoever are so low as to go after seniors and aerial assault units
Clearly, this is a global operation of pure terror.
Be afraid and Be alert!
From the DNR Headquarters:
Dear: Deer
Please stop humping all the mechanical deer we set up along the roads. They are not your dearest deer, so quit leaping in front of cars to get her attention. Trying to leap the hood of a car doesn’t impress our robodeer.
Yours always: Smoky the Bear
PS
We are willing to rent them out in the off season for your bachelor parties, and other entertainment needs. Cheap!
This is almost certainly Beach Drive, which runs right through Rock Creek Park. Blind corners, dense woods on each side of the road, and a deer under every tree.
Dear bus guy:
You need to move near an apple orchard. The deer that live near the apple orchards and then cross paths with the hunters (namely, Mr. BiblioCat*) are quite tasty. A little sweet and very tender. There’s definitely an appley taste. It’s very good.
Can’t help you with the fish and Old Bay thing. The best I can come up with is to put the Old Bay on as you cook the fish, but you probably already knew that.
Signed,
BiblioCat
- He would die if he knew I was calling him that.
Question: Shouldn’t we be pointing towards their deer genitals while getting our picture taken?
-A Concerned Member of the Ohio Anti-Deer Brigade
Dear Deer,
You rotten bastards. Please quit stealing our press.
D. Armadillo
Dear Land Mammals:
You think you’ve got problems?! Do you have any idea how damn cold it is down here? Not to mention the damp. On top of which, often times our food is located a good hour from where we can freaking BREATHE! That’s right, wolves, you try hunting those deer while holding your breath sometime, then come to complain.
Plus, have you seen what we get to mate with? “No fatties.” HA!
Sincerely,
Whales
PS. We fucking HATE seafood.
Dear Whale-san,
The friendry-rooking men with harpoons are here to listen to your troubles.
Rove,
Japan
Dear Deer and Whale,
I don’t know what you are complaining about. The men come to my village and club all the kids the other day and we are not talking about a foam party either.
Sincerely,
Baby seal
Dear Baby Seal,
Once my people roamed this land in numbers beyond count. The came and shot us and laughed. They ate only our tongues and liver. They fenced off our land. They gave our land of a millions suns to the Sheep. Now there are few of my people left.
Sincerely,
Last of the Wild Buffaloes.
Dear Seals and Buffalos,
What are y’all bitching about, anyways?
Love,
Dodo T. Bird
Dear Wild Buffalo,
You think you’ve got troubles?
Sincerely,
Wooly Mammoth
Dear Darwin:
Will deer eventually become a population that doesn’t get smacked by automobiles?
Love,
Your Deerest Bambi.
“Deer: We’re not that gamey.”
Dear Dodo T. Bird, Wooly Mammoth, Wild Buffalo, Baby Seals, various Deer, et. al:
You guys don’t know the meaning of trouble.
We should talk.
Signed;
A. Unicorn