I Almost Hit a Deer Tonight and I Want Most of Them Dead Now

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

It gets dark early here in Massachusetts in late November. I picked up my three year old daughter from her home day-care and began driving home on a small road that is a cross between super-suburban and semi-rural. Out of nowhere, a very large doe leaped in front of my SUV. I had to slam on the brakes and skidded instantly but thankfully she stopped in place just like the dumb shits do and I missed her by inches but my daughter was on that side of the vehicle. I don’t know what what have happened if we actually collided but I have seen the aftermath of other successful suicide attempts by deer and it isn’t pretty for either the vehicle or the people inside of it.

I love the movie Bambi but his descendents are getting out of control. This is the 3rd time this has happened in 8 years although this one is by far the closest call and, if I had been looking at something else at all even for a millisecond, it would not have worked out well for any of us. I love wildlife but deer are basically like free-range cattle around here. They munch on the lawns of McMansions and I often pull into my driveway to find a herd of them just standing there like, well, deer in highlights.

I don’t want a bunch of things with the body mass and intellect of a drunken sorority girl just wandering around randomly and unpredictably. Something has to be done about this or somebody is going to get killed.

#2

Deer are rats with antlers. They destroy more than they produce and they spread disease. They have a brain about the size of a walnut. The deer population must be controlled. The movie “Bambi” was a travesty of propaganda.

#3

You obviously need to mount a large automatic machine gun that rotates 180 degrees on the hood of your car.

Problem solved.

You are welcome.

#4

We have the same problem here in and around Philly. Although I find they seem to be very good about not crossing the street in front of cars and looking both ways. They hardly seem to be bothered by cars anymore.

But don’t sweat the whole deer collision thing so much, Mr. Nasty. (Can I call you Shag?) I’ve hit two (with K-cars, no less, years ago) – one at 45 mph and one at 35 – and both times drove away from the event. The cars needed repair but no biggie. It sounds like you avoided the one thing that usually makes these events much worse: Swerving. Never swerve for an animal. Sorry, animals.

But, yes, something must be done about the deer population. We need to make them into venison and feed the poor. A drive through Valley Forge park at night is like Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”: They’re everywhere.

#5

Bring back the wolves.

I have a deer kill story. I was driving home one night and came across traffic blockage. Turns out that a doe had been hit and was down for the count. She was alive, though, so we had a plan to get her to a DVM (if nothing else, for euthanasia). The initial plan had a woman planning on putting the doe in her truck, in the cabin with her, like a bipedal passenger.

Ummm, no.

We talked her into putting the doe in the bed of truck, ambulance style. A few of us rode shotgun in back with the doe, steering clear of the kick zones, securing her safely. She was in shock and was not fighting us.

The DVM had to put her down in the truck. I cradled her head and felt her go.

#6

1.5 million deer-car crashes each year. 150 dead people. 1.1 Billion dollars in damage.

http://money.cnn.com/2005/11/04/news/newsmakers/deer/index.htm

#7

Was driving Vorlon Jr. to Tae Kwan Do tonight and came upon a large number of the local cop cars—someone had Fox 4ed a doe, on Rt 6, a 4 lane suburban highway.
Methinks hunting season needs to be extended, limits increased, and the herd culled.

#8

A freaking men.

#9

Years ago I was driving with some friends to Silver Falls (in Oregon). I was driving up a narrow twisty road and one of my friends said he thought I was going too fast. I said I wasn’t and then I saw a dear running across my path. I tried to swerve but hit it anyway. It fell down for a minute or two, then jumped back up and ran away.

I’ve always wondered how much internal damage I did to it.

#10

I really like this version. It’s rather fitting for the OP.

#11

Many years ago, a coworker of my mother’s was driving to work along a county road and happened to pass a certain spot just as a deer was leaping across. The front end of said deer came into the car through her open sunroof. Killed the deer but the lady was unhurt. Afterwards, though, she felt very much like the OP.

#12

Try riding a motorcycle sometime.

Damn deer.

#13

Over in this area some years back, an older couple was almost home–IIRC, in actual view of their driveway–when a big deer ran in front of them. They collided with it head on. The old man was banged up, but OK, until he looked in the seat beside him. The deer had come through the windshield and the hooves had struck his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

I’m sure that man would agree with the OP.

#14

I do, and I hit one on the bike once. That sure cured me of ever wearing tennis shoes on the bike.

Around here in Montgomery county, MD people are so afraid to hunt the damn things. The ‘hunting’ season is a week or so at most, and only a handful of people can actually do the hunting. There are deer that live in the middle of towns and people think it’s cute. Then the letters to the editor all suggest birth control since that’s what they use at NIST, they tend to forget that NIST has an 8 foot high fence that the deer tend not to get out of.

#15

4 jumped in front of my car on an interstate between Athens and Atlanta at midnight. I was essentially the only car on the road, and I was probably running about 75mph. It wasn’t a matter of missing the deer, it was a matter of hitting as few at possible. I nailed one in mid leap, and clipped the second with the bumper. Scared the hell out of me. I’d say at least 50% of my friends and extended family have hit a deer at some point in their lives. Maybe more.

#16

Since the start of rut, there have been 3 kills very near our house. The deer tracks stopped showing up in the garden. Now if those hawks could take out the two squirrels that showed up eating everything, I’d be very happy. The squirrels have been picking and eating at least ten apples a day off the tree until the apples ran out.

I learned a long time ago that stuff gets set on the floor and packed around or seat belted in to keep it from flying when you have to decelerate quickly for the deer. There is no if just when you will have to do this.

#17

Here we have close calls at least once a week. My daughter’s SO has nailed at least two in the last two years. We live close to a conservation center, and see deer killed quite frequently out here in the country. It’s kind of like “Deliverance” – people emerge from the trees, squinting at the driver, “You gonna eat that deer?”
One of my mother’s friends hit a deer in the '70s, which leaped up and crashed through the windshield. The hooves sliced and diced her face horribly, and she has been something of a recluse ever since.

#18

When this happened, did you shout, “D’oh! A deer!”?

#19

I have been very lucky, but I know it’s only a matter of time. I drive to work just before dawn on a rural-area road with forest and field nearby. I always see deer nearby and often slow down (limit varies from 90-100 kms) in case of sudden leaping.

My husband did see a Greyhound bus that had hit a moose. The moose had, unfortunately turned and faced off against the grill. Driver was killed and the first few rows of passengers were severely injured.

Oh - one more - my father’s friend was living up in Churchill and was coming home drunk one night from the Legion. He came across a polar bear in the road, and attempted to push the bear out of the way with the car. He survived, car didn’t.

#20

Here’s a contrarian thought: live in a city. Deer are rarely found in urban centers. If you want to live in the suburbs, you’re going to have deer. Deal.