Dear santa,
If there’s only one of you, can I shove that stupid lump of coal up yours?
I’m not sitting on Santa’s lap anymore, everytime I do it’s always all lumpy and uncomfortable, especially in the middle.
And even after I tell him what he wants, he’ll never let me leave.
I want the head of John the Baptist on a silver plate.
What? It’s festive.
Gee, Santa, your nose is as red as Rudolph’s! I bet you could guide your sleigh all by yourself. Do you like this neat air horn I just got? Let me show you how it works.
BRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP
Somebody tell the mall guy Santa’s clung to the ceiling.
I want a keg and a new Lexus for Christmas.
I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas
only a keg of Murphy’s Stout will do
don’t want a Bud, a beer that I abhor
I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout to drink on Christmas morn
I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas
please be Santa Claus and bring the brew
you don’t have to use the dirty chimney flue
just roll it through the front door-with a frosty mug or two
I can see me now on Christmas morning
crawling down the stairs
oh, what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a Murphy’s tapped and standing there
I want a keg of Murphy’s Stout for Christmas
only a keg of Murphy’s Stout will do
no Miller Lite, no Blatz or Schlitz or Coors
Murphy’s Stout is the brew that I adore
and all my friends like Murphy’s like I do
(sung to the tune: I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas)
Author unknown-received from an equally twisted friend
Well, if I can’t get a dragon, can I have a new CD player? And my mommy says you can take all the bottles from the locked cabinet in the dining room, if you want.
A dog? And a dolly to sleep with? Why, of course you can have them, if you’ve been a good little girl.
Hey, kid, you want to see a picture of the Ally I’m sleeping with?
But only bad children get lumps of coal.
You’re not a bad child, are you? Because if you are, you never will ever get any presents again. I don’t think there are any bad children. Just children who are misunderstood. Just children who haven’t had a chance to show the love and the good that is inside them. Because if you show the love and goodness that is inside you, Santa will give you a pony this year.
And all you have to do is …
run over there and kick SanguineSpider. Plus I’ll throw in ten bucks.
Ho, ho, ho.
Gin …
wicked …
Wicked women and gin …
uh, what were you saying?
Now, now, child, Santa only gives gifts to the pure at heart. The true lesson of Christmas is that you can’t always get what you want. But, if you try some time, you just might find ya just might find you get what you neeeeeed. Oooooh yeah.
Hey, kids. Santa’s gettin’ down!
You just might find, you just might find, you get what you neeeeeeeeed, aw right.
igedda igedda igedda …
See, kids. Santa can fly! Bet you don’t get that from any of those cheap-jack Santas over at the Dollar General.
Jesus, this is the longest day of my life.
Why, that’s a lovely Christmas carol. Lovely, lovely … (sigh)
Where was I? Oh, yes, time for Santa’s lunch break. I’ll be back real soon. It should only take me about ten minutes to drin … uh, finish my lunch.
Hmmmmm.
New CD player? Nah, how would you like an iPod with your entire music collection downloaded onto it? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? So much that you’d have to stay in your room and listen to it alllllllllll night.
Santa Andy, why do you smell like eggs? Your stinky…
If I can’t get a swig, can I get a toke?
Mommy, why isn’t Santa moving?
Danceswithcats, the original song was recorded by Gayla Peevey, ~1953, according to my “Dr. Demento Presents the Greatest Christmas Novelty CD of All Time”.
Santa Andy – Just in case we’re all passed out before you can make it by Christmas Eve, there’ll be an assortment of Samuel Smith’s beers in the fridge so have a few. And help yourself to any leftovers.
SanguineSpider, where the HELL do you get those sites?
I have to go clean my eyeballs with steel mesh now…
Oh a Santy Anda, Why do you want me to kick SanguineSpider? Seh was just trying to help!
Chavardz, the sites I offer to this wonderful board are gifts that I feel will benefit society in some way or another. Are you enjoying them? Good… sit back, relax, put your feet up and await with quiet eagerness the next offering from the Spider.
You can find a few more of my offereings throughout the forums, just look for my spiffy user name!