So since tonight is Christmas Eve, when people of all religions celebrate the birth of Santa, I have some questions:
Santa eats and drinks the milk and cookies all the little kids leave out, right? So, ummm, when and where does he go to the bathroom? Does he use your bathroom? Does he do it over the side of the sleigh? Does he stop at the rest stations on the NJ Turnpike, hoping not to encounter former Gov. McGreevey?
Are the reindeer immortal, like Santa? Or, as indicated by the Rudolph special, do they grow old and die and are replaced by new Rankin-Bass characters, after the 19th century Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, et. al., died and were eaten?
Where and when did he meet Mrs. Claus? Did she know what she was getting into? I mean, marrying Santa is like marrying Prince Charles or a Kennedy; more a career choice than a love match.
What do God and Jesus think of Santa? Isn’t he kind of muscling into their territory? And where does Satan fit in, with all the “naughty and nice” labeling?
Well, in the Sims 2 he does use the bathroom during visits. I like to imagine he just goes over the edge of the sleigh, like people do when on a boat. Some naughty boys and girls get worse than coal.
The reindeer are immortal, but sometimes they retire and write tell-alls like Santa Dearest.
Sure she knew. It was quite a while back when marrying someone meant 13 births one average, and so it looked like a good deal. Besides, she was already looking a bit matronly which works for being Mrs. Claus, and it sure beat the convent which was just about the only other career choice she felt she had. Elves can be fun.
Well, Jesus and Santa have settled things since Brian Boitano talked to them.
But, is Mrs. Claus immortal, too? And if so, how: by marriage? What kind of bullshit is that? Or did the young Santa just *happen *to mack on a chick who happened also to be immortal? Again, I call bullshit. If she was immortal before they met, then she’s gotta have superpowers too, right? So what’s her power? Cookies? And if she only became immortal after they met, then did any broad he ever nail become immortal? Does Santa have vampire spooje?
Santa is not immortal, and neither is Mrs. Claus. The process of picking a new Santa is not as it is in the film The Santa Clause- rather, it is similar to the choosing of a new Pope: the elves gather to vote which one of them would make the best replacement Santa. The elves get along very well, so one of the elves picks a female elf who he wishes to marry and become his partner in life and business. She is the new Mrs. Claus.
Mrs. Claus is getting her action from Horny, the elf. After all, Santa spends tonight cumming down everyone’s chimney, so he’s not interested in any more sex once the sleigh gets parked. He wants a cold beer, some TV, and a nap.
I always figured at least some of the elves have to be gay–does the North Pole have a domestic partnership law for elf couples? And do female elves ever get to be Santa?
Father Christmas is indeed immortal. In fact Rankin Bass cartoons be damn, he is actually an Elf and probably most similar to the Sindarin Elves of Middle-Earth. Mrs. Claus is also an Elf and contrary to Coca-Cola ad campaigns retains her ageless beauty. The toy making elves are of course not the cutesy little elves of cartoons but rather a collection of Elven and Dwarven Smiths, Brownie Carpenter, Cobblers and Leather workers and a special group of highly trained and secretive Customer Service and Purchasing reps that work off of the second most powerful computer system on earth. Though I understand Google might be catching up. (Of course considering all the freebies Google gives us, maybe they really are part of Santa’s secret organization.)
I digress, Santa does not actually need to defecate or urinate until he is safely back home. It is all part of the Elven and Christmas mysteries that many mistake for magic. As far as the Cookies, Cheese, Milk, Bourbon and etc. that Santa consumes, well lets just say that to move at the incredible speeds he moves at, he needs to burn and outrageous amount of calories.
I was just going to say that Santa eats all those cookies but never asks for a restroom. He also distributes tons of coal lumps but carries no separate bag of coal lumps. Do your own math.
You are missing the obvious connection here folks. Scramble the name Santa and what do you get? SATAN! When God threw Satan out of Heaven he sent him to Hell. Satan’s penance is to perform one night of good deeds every year for eternity (this was originally called the Satan Clause but has been bastardized over the centuries to be called Santa Claus). As part of the punishment, Satan oversees demons (read: elves) who must make toys (why do you think those damn things are so hard to put together, never include batteries and the instructions are missing/written in Mandarin) for all eternity. The demon workshop is in the coldest circle of Hell which is where we get the confusion with the North Pole.
Then, one night a year, Satan must deliver said toys around the world in a “slay” pulled by his reindeer (actually, hellhounds or “reign of terror” deer). Satan uses the “naughty and nice” list to figure out who will be staying with him after they die and gives him potential prospects for temptation. The red suit is easy to understand and he uses chimneys because of the familiarity with the flames of Hell.
The food children leave is actually an offering to the Dark Lord. When they leave these items they are, in effect, giving up a small portion of their souls. The letters the kids right where they ask for special gifts and promising to be good in exchange are merely immature versions of the Faustian contracts Satan eventually offers of wealth as a reward for the remainder of their souls.
The coal is actually demonic feces as has been mentioned by other people. Satan Claus does this because he just can’t resist that part of his nature. These little pranks are prolonging his reign in Hell. Plus the feces will leave a stain on the soul of the recipient which makes tracking easier.
