Ask an Elf Just Back On The Job

So, some of you remember that I addressed your questions last spring while I was on summer vacation.

Well here it is November 1st, and I’m back at the North Pole, getting ready for “crunch time”. This year I’ve been assigned to Ribbon Curling, and if I want to make a little extra scratch, I’ll stay on through April 1st, on “spirit patrol” to make sure people take their lights down before Easter.

I’ll tell ya right now. It’s going to be a weird Christmas, what with the WAR and all that. We DO have extra security up here, but with all the snow, who KNOWS what’s in our mail.

So anyway, if you have any further questions, please, stop in and ask…AN ELF JUST BACK ON THE JOB.


Santa does have a transponder and has filed flight plans hasn’t he ? Please tell me he has.

I’m not an elf, but I know that Santa has ALWAYS had a transponder and flight plans - the local airport tracks him for us every Christmas Eve! :slight_smile:

Does Santa use any sophisticated distributed weight & balance software for his sled? If so, do you know if he’d be interested in hiring someone to test it?

Like I said in the past thread, Santa’s sleigh doesn’t have TOO many weight and balance issues as all gifts and treats are sent through a minimizer before loading.

Then, upon arrival at each home, he sends it through a pocketsized MAXIMIZER after it’s down the chimney (or through the mail slot for city dwellers). The mini/maxi process involves a MINIMUM of radiation and we’ve found it only causes cancer .035% of the time.

Santa’s sleigh has a black box packed under the foot warmer, and he is in heavy contact with O’Hare for most of the flight.


Any chance of my finally getting that surface-to-air missile this year? The medivac helicopter pad next door is really starting to bug me.

Also, in light of the whole anthrax thing, should I leave the powdered sugar off of the brownies-and-milk plate this year, or does Santa understand? Can Santa get anthrax? Does Santa even have an immune system?

Elves don’t really get sick. We get chicken pox when we’re infants, but that’s just a right of passage. We do FEAR Anthrax, but it can’t really do much to us, as we are, to some degree, immortal.

I’ll be honest, Juniper, Santa has remarked that the powdered sugar on the brownies DOES make him cough. And he likes brownies with chocolate FROSTING and pecans rather than the plain cake. But whatever you have is fine. Santa also like chunk cheese if you’ve got that.

I’m sorry, I don’t handle specific toy requests, and weapon requests (which are at an all time high) are usually ‘lost in the shuffle’ if you know what I mean.


Who takes my fifth Scotch whiskey every year? I understand that Santa is a mean drunk.

While in US airspace, does Santa need to follow the new restrictions, keeping away from nuclear power plants, football games, and such? Since he can be followed by NORAD and the FAA, he must have some radar cross section signature (or is it a transponder?) so he may be susceptible to an overzealous National Guardsman with a missile. Does Santa’s sleigh carry chaff and flares?

Humbly, a VERY good boy,


How does good Santa feel about being conscripted to cover for that French slack-ass Pere Noël and his flying donkeys, and the Russian lush Grandfather Frost? (All in the True Spirit of Christmas and International Goodwill and all that crap.)


I can’t help but notice that lots of kids are terrified of Santa and will sometimes run away from him screaming.

So, what was the Big Guy thinking when he decided it was a good idea to make children his target demographic? Has he ever thought about maybe bieng the patron saint of some less-easy-to-frighten group?


So that we can all get our stories straight and not offend the Big Guy, which popular version of Santa Claus is closest to the truth? Miracle on 34th Street? The Santa Claus? Santa Claus vs. the Martians?

p.s. Are there any pictures of you in an elf outfit, say, pointy ears and red fur-trimmed hot pants, and if so, could you post a link?

These are all good questions. You’re all good kids.

The thing is, Santa sometimes needs a little nip of something soothing for the trip around the world. SOOO if the scotch is sitting out, and no one’s around, he may take a sip. If you find the bottle missing it’s because he broke it and had to clean up before leaving.

Santa, like I said, is always in contact with air traffic controllers and his route is sent to various agencies before hand. He IS allowed to fly over the White House, but some F16s do escort him.

Pere Noel and Frosty (as we call him around the warehouse) are just elves like me or Ricky or Pica…I mean, they do a lot of the publicity and work at the Elf U.N. doing translation for foreign Christmas issues. Santa doesn’t consider them “slack asses” and in fact, much like the replacement Krusty the Klowns, Pere Noel helps us bear the onslaught of mail and bribes and things.


What would happen if one of the reindeer got sick or injured during the flight? Does Santa have veterinary training? Is there an emergency back-up reindeer latched behind the sleigh (kinda like a Continental)? Does he have spare herds in grazing spots all over the world in case, say, one of the critters conked out over Paraguay?

(still upset about the bird who couldn’t fly, yet was still dumped out of the sleigh)

Just to clarify, my request for a catapult is strictly for use as a toy. There is absolutely no intention whatsoever to use said requested gift for anything other than pure unadulterated joy.

Oh, and its ok to just leave it in the backyard. And no need to wrap it either. It’ll make next years Halloween party even better.

Thank you in advance.

Reindeer work well in groups, screech, but the secret fact here is that it only takes one of them to fly the sleigh. All of them working together just makes it easier. So if one suffers an injury (for example, Comet has a hip pointer as of right now that can act up at anytime), he can just fly in the sleigh with Santa until he feels like returning to the fleet.

Kids are Santa’s demographic, because, unlike a lot of movies and television shows imply, you must understand, he’s small, not even five two. So if, say, Colin Powell were to approach Santa and request gifts, it would just look silly.

I’m not sure why kids are frightened of him. He gives great hugs, I’ll tell you that.

I would say the movie that’s closest to the mark in depicting Santa is The Santa Clause. It’s a business up here people…don’t kid yourself.


Is Santa like Jesus in the way I can just apologize for the bad stuff I did this year and those things will all be wiped away and then I can still get presents, or does he write down all the bad stuff I do and I still won’t get presents no matter whose fault it was and even if I’m sorry and promise not to do that again even if Billy asks me to and promises, cross your heart, to let me see those pictures he took when his aunt and uncle spent the night at his house?

So, tell us more about those bribes.
In the same vein, do you people do gene splicing? A 12’ Venus Flytrap that would eat that pesky little bastard some asshole gave a motorized skateboard to at Chrsitmas…sorry.
It would, ah, look really nice in the garden.

Being the German loving elf that you are, can you give us the straight dope on Knecht Ruprecht? He’s not mentioned much in the Americanized stories. Is he still active? If not, can I have his job? Thanks.

My older brother told me this, but I don’t believe him. Is it true that Santa is actually really thin, and he looks fat because he stuffs his suit with the brains of the all the bad little boys and girls?
Oh, yeah, I want a Red Ryder Carbine Action, 200 Shot, Range Model Air Rifle