Ask an Elf Just Back On The Job

When I was 14 I went to the mall and sat on Santa’s lap. He started rubbing my thigh a lot and asking me if I was a good boy or bad boy. When I told him I was a good boy, he said, “You know, sometimes Santa likes to get to know a bad boy every now and then.” Then he said something about “coming up my chimney” and “filling my stocking”. I could have sworn he got a boner.

What’s up with that?

Dear EJNOTJ [sup]If that IS your real name[/sup],

Is there any truth to the rumors that you are, in fact, Santa Claus posing as an Elf so you can voice your opinions (AKA Drunken tirades) without having to deal with the consequences?

Also, what is your response to the allegations of 150 elderly citizens who have recently charged Saint Nick of theft, stating: “He would come into the house pretending to bring presents for the grandchildren, while [his] elves would ransack the house for valuables, used toys, and food. When questioned, he would mutter something about ‘Christmas Spirit’ and ‘Season of Giving’ while hastening his return through the chimney.”

Oh, and I’m still getting that new bike, right?

Now we know the TRUTH about my Glenlivet!
Jolly Old Elf, my ass!

First let me address the impertinence of Joyfulgirl and Spritle IF THOSE ARE YOUR REAL NAMES.

You…will not be getting a bike or anything else this year. Why? We don’t give bikes to slanderers. That’s why. I’m getting tired of the accusations around here. What happened to the good natured requests for Barbies?

Carnivorous: if you don’t want the liquor stolen, lock it up! How simple do we have to make this process?

Fredge: Knecht is retired but living in my basement…by…choice.

AbeBabe: Santa does not collect Brains. You have him confused with the Easter Bunny, but I’ve already said too much.

And now excuse me for a moment, we’re having trouble down in video game dispersement.


No doubt jarbaby’s explanation of rest breaks in the sleigh is correct, but in the case of a more permanent injury Santa would probably have other options.

Presumably flying ability is either imparted by the Santa Sleigh or by proximity to the big guy himself, as flying is not a standard reindeer trait. If, as you say, one of them “conked out over Paraguay”, Santa would have the option of offering a unique career change opportunity to a member of the local fauna. A Marsh Deer would seem an ideal choice for those climes (or a Llama if heading to Chile next), whereas a Capybara would probably not be chosen due to its size, nor an Ocelot or a Jaguar… for obvious reasons.

Back to the drinking problem and this foot high GI Joe I got last year that plays the piano…would a sober Santa think * anyone* would want a * twelve inch pianist?!*

Ahem. Need I remind you that these are valid questions? Ok, let’s forget all the nasty business about the rumors and mean things being said about SC. Instead, let’s focus on the real question:

Last year, I had a bike! Come Christmas morning, it’s gone! What happened to my bike? Hmmm? I demand a replacement.

  1. What do you think about these guys? Professional Association of Santa’s Elves

  2. Do elves look like they do on that site, or do they look like this.

Hellooooooooooo Federal!!

Ms. Elf–

Bosda Di’Chi, reporter for the Daily Weekly Midnight Star And Bigfoot Report COUGH! COUGH COUGH! [sub]pleeze excuse the cough, everybody in our Florida office has it since we got that package, wonder why?[/sub].

Any comments on the continuing Juvenile Court problems that Mr. & Mrs. Claus’ daughter , Ms. Jingle Belle Claus has been having?

Any comments on her alleged offer to pose for Mr. Hefner?

Any comments on her very dubious but extremely cool website? Link–

Are the rumors of Ms. Jingle Belle Claus consorting with US Air Force personnel at NORAD Radar stations true?
Did she, in fact, steal an Air Force helicopter for a joyride, then crash it into the base commander’s office?

Are the rumors of Ms. Jingle Belle Claus being seen in a bar with President Bush’s daughters true? Did she, in fact, empty the hotel’s entire stock of eggnog? And , is it true that Ms. Jingle Belle Claus taught the Bush daughters to drink?

Will the young Ms. Claus be attending military school anytime soon?

And, what about Naomi?

Is Santa an alien?

Do the elves look like this? If so, do you need any computer geeks at the North Pole? I’ve got my own computer.

Ok people need to really STOP with the LOTR pictures. I’m whimpering over here, and I won’t be able to stop whimpering until December 19th.

You’ll put your eye out, kid…

So let’s get started:

First of all, most elves do not look like bizarre Tolkien characters. Girl elves are between 4’11" and 5’7", all have bright green eyes and auburn hair. They don’t gain weight no matter what they eat, and have a very low tolerance for alcohol. They have a penchant for French Onion Dip and Rice Pudding. Boy elves are between 5’0" and 5’9" (bigger than you’d think…ahem). They also have green eyes and brown hair, and six pack stomachs, and nice biceps. Elves have perfect vision and hyperdeveloped tastebuds. They can also grip small objects with their toes.

JingleBelle…is a handful. And she needs all of our support right now as she tries to deal with her life in, indeed the most famous family on the planet. She’s trying to find her place in the world, and trying to decide whether she wants to live among humans, or elves. There are advantages to both, but being immortal, that’s a lot of rent to pay.

Joyful and Spritle, I apologize for my snippishness towards you during yesterday’s press conference. I have informed Santa of my misbehavior and he has agreed that this year, in addition to your gifts, you will receive $25 gift certificates to Outback Steakhouse.


Damn damn damn… you stole my comment jr8 ohh well that is what i get for taking tooo long… I can already hear ** Randy** yelling ** Ralphieeeeee** in that wonderful whiney voice…

…which makes this pianist thing all the more bizzare.

Green eyes, auburn hair, low tolerance for alcohol… I think I would like to purchase one of these female elves. Would Santa consider selling one to me, FOB his workshop?

Elf slavery is not something we condone, although there is a black market for them. Female elves are fascinating, they are unable to lie, can wiggle their noses and hardly ever get crabby.

We do make an INFLATABLE girl elf, but only boy elves seem to be interested.


So what happened to the Nancy Nurse doll that Santa was supposed to bring me when I was 10. I was like a perfect child all year long and he promised, not once but twice. Come Christmas, no Nancy Nurse. It scarred me for life.