Ask An Elf on Summer Vacation

Anything you want to know about the big guy, the operation…the lives of elves in general…

Shoot. And any other elves that want to jump in and help me out, go ahead.

You’re one of Santa’s elves?

So, are ‘fuckchop’ and ‘asshammer’ code words in the North Pole? If so, what do they mean?

Are you more like the traditional elves or the elves in “The Santa Claus” who are full of spunk and can use Christmas tinsel to cut through the bars of a jail cell?

We do have a lot of spunk. As a rule, though, we can’t be more than 5’7"…although I saw a guy in gift wrapping who must have slipped in under the radar, he’s got to be a towering 5’9". Oh well.

I’ve never been in jail, so I can’t speak to our escaping techniques.

As for the swearing, it’s like living on an army base up here…all the time swearing, especially when we’re using power tools

Just the other day, the Head Elf of Puppy and Kitten Placement Services called me a shitknob. I guess I won’t be promoted to his department any time soon.

What’s up with the shoes? Is that curly-q on the toe part a fashion thing or are your toes actually pointy and curly like that?

Some of the younger reindeer turned in record performances in last year’s Reindeer Games. I’ve heard that the Big Guy has been displeased with some of the “Great Eight’s” work for several Christmases running, but wanted to keep the team intact for the big Christmas 2000 event out of respect for all their past accomplishments. Any truth to the rumor that one or more new reindeer will make the “A” sleigh team this year? Word on the street is that Prancer and Comet are in particular danger of being dropped.

[sub][sup]#1 Blitzen Fan, Pennsylvania[/sup][/sub]

I can’t say for sure who’s coming or going in the reindeer lineup…what I can say is that Santa Claus is going to do what’s best for Santa Claus, and that means getting the gifts delivered on time.

Donner is giving us trouble. We’re at a stalemate with him regarding his position in the line, his stables and the does we’ve been providing…so I guess you could say he’s our big question mark. But you’d have to ask ROLF for sure, he’s in charge of reindeer management.

On another note…the curly end of the shoes is a portable, coiled heater. It gets chilly up here.


Questions from the Reporter from The Middle Earth Wheels & Deals Magazine.

  1. Can you comment on Lady Galadriel’s nude Centerfold in Playboy? She is, after all, an allumni of Santa’s Industrial Trade School For Wayward Girl Elves, She-Trolls, & Gorgons–an organization directally affiliated with Santa’s Workshop.

  2. Is her (Galadriel’s) claim that there will be a “Nude Elves Of Santa’s Workshop” in the December Playboy true? Will it be in good little boys’ stockings on Xmas morn? Bad boys?

  3. Will you comment on the refusal of Santa to hire Drow in his workshop? The Reverend Al Sharpton is planning to picket. Any comment? Will Rev. Sharpton be placed on the “naughty” list?

  4. Are the rumors of Santa’s “Naughty” and “Nice” list list being sold to telemarkets true?

  5. Can I have a pony? Or a nickel?

I should have known that someone named jarbabyj was an elf. Ok, now I know how to pronounce your name, if it’s elvish…

So, what about Santa’s metamorphosis into an alien? Huh? Huh? ( )

What does “directally” mean? It sounds real dirty.
Carry on.

I knew this was going to come up. I…guess I was foolish to think it wouldn’t…

We have no comment on this at this time.

As far as I know this is not true. Especially since I have not been approached to pose in such a spread. I do know that elves are notorious for having tertiary nipples, so I can see how the demand for them would be high. Also, for your info, know that while all people with green eyes are not necessarily elves, all elves DO HAVE green eyes.

Santa hires who he feels is the best being for the job. We have hired six or seven Drow, but found them to be inconsistent in wooden toy construction and they were demoted to wrapping.

Absolutely not.

Dear Child, Thank you for your request. We will keep your list on file and you will be notified of our decision on December 25th.

Santa Claus is not an alien. This story is completely false.

Can you give us some details on The Red One’s sleigh? How does it can fly? What provides the lift? I’ve been trying to make a flying car sort of like the one in the movie Flubber, but ever since I was asked to leave the physics department of Medford College, I can no longer bring samples home from the lab to experiment with.

What I really need to know is how to harness the power to make my car fly. I believe that I can generate plenty of power - I use a scared cat and a loopy labrador retriever. Connecting several such units in parallel has provided enough electricity to light the entire neighborhood in the past.

Great! I’ve been dying to ask…

How’s Herbie? I kinda liked that little elf. Though I was surprised by the whole dentist thing. I thought he was just coming out of the closet.

Has the Workshop made a policy of hiring Abominable Snowmen? How does the Elf Union feel about that?

And for next Christmas, could I just get a load of Misfit Toys? The weirder the better. So far all I’ve been able to find is a vibrating Mr. Potato Head.

Thanks, jarbabyj. Hope your vacation goes spiffily.

Silly Ralf, the key is not harnessing power, because the power is in the reindeer that can fly. The key is constructing the sleigh of a durable, lightweight material that also has fin like structures to serve as, well, a KITE if you will. It keeps the sleigh aloft, and the reindeer keep up the speed.

mrvisible, you’ll be suprised to know that his name is HERMEY as proven at this very informative website. He’s doing well. We eat nothing but candy and French Onion Dip up here, so a dentist is sorely needed (no pun intended). We elves are good at puns.

The Abominable is a part time worker and does not fall under the jurisdiction of the Elf Local 435

The…vibrating Mr. Potato Head…isn’t so much a toy…as, well…I…look, just put that in a box and label it “Adult Stocking Stuffer Department” and I’ll make sure you receive a suitable gift in return.


So, is it true that you hot pigtail wearin’, pool playin’, elves are polygamous?
::[sub]running from Brian…I was kidding! I am happily taken!!![/sub]::

Dammit, 'guinea, you beat me to it!

Okay…um…any comment on the relationship between the heretical Black Ops Elves and those that remained with the Clauses? And what do your anti-Bun-Bun defenses look like this year?

jayjay (:stuck_out_tongue: to foolsguinea)

Can we get an official response on the Herbie/Hermie debate? And, if it’s Hermie, is that spelled Hermie or Hermey?

Before we get into this again, it’s been debated, and pretty much resolved, in this thread.

It is Hermey. I simply forgot. It won’t happen again.

jarbabyj, please let the Folks Up North know I didn’t mean to reopen this debate. I don’t want a repeat of the Coal Incident of 1981.


What I wanna know is, how much did Sony pay Santa to put a “Hold” on all those Playstation Twos last Christmas? Confess, Elf! We know the Elf Illuminati were able to prevail upon the Right Jolly Old One to accept Sony’s money under the table to keep 90% of their Playstation Two inventory locked up in a warehouse in Evansville, Indiana. Hey, it’s a win-win situation. Sony gets to pump up demand for their product, Santa gets some cash, and you elves don’t have to hoist 8 pound boxes in and out of the sleigh all night. The only losers were the children of the world, who went to sleep hoping for a Playstation Two, but who woke up with only a Color Gameboy in their Christmas stocking. Broken-hearted, they were forced to accept their parents’ feeble explanation that “Sony must have misjudged the market and didn’t make enough for everyone to get one.”

So, the only question is, how much was it?

Reporter from* The Middle Earth Wheels & Deals Magazine *again:

1)Does the coal put in bad children’s stockings come from Union Shop mines? Or does Santa buy from scabs?

2)AFL-CIO Labor leaders allege that Santa is subcontracting toy production to Third World sweatshops staffed with young goblins , in violation of child labor laws. Has Santa stopped doing this? Answer yes or no.

:: shuffling papers, approaching podium ::

The inference that elves are somehow involved [sub]3157[/sub] in an illuminati plot is perposterous. And I [sub]5723[/sub] will hear no more about it, nor will I address any further questions regarding it.

Female elves do often wear pigtails…because they often wait more than 6-8 weeks between haircuts and their ends get scraggly. But they are, I’m happy to report, extremely monogamous.

Hermey is named Hermey…these are the facts. If Santa hears one more question on this subject he will cease any and all further press conferences. He doesn’t want to do this, but the flood of mail regarding our dentist is simply TOO great.

And while we’re at it…who KNOWS why the doll was on the Island of Misfit Toys? We sure don’t. It’s possible she had emotional issues that left her unable to love a little girl in return…the jury is still out.

Duck Duck You seem like a spunky gal, a sort of Erin Brockovich type, striving to break some huge story. Sadly, the PS2 controversy was simply a matter of us elves not being trained in microchip technology. We build dolls and blocks and miniature houses and then they throw superior CD-ROM technology gaming systems at us? I just thanked the great Saint that I work in Battery Inclusion.

The Reporter From Middle Earth seems to want to “bring Santa down” as it were. My friend, you won’t do it. I have here the paperwork form our latest Union arbitration which shows all employees are happy and everything is in order.

Any other questions?