So, you have nothing to say about the story in the Times about your own alleged past in the sex industry and the early photos of you published in the Sun that put Dr. Laura’s to shame?
What is the official North Pole policy on hanging Christmas stockings for our pets? I’m sure Santa knows that we do this out of love and with only the best intentions, but I worry that it could potentially push the already sizable distribution load past the tipping point. Santa has always come through for our four-legged friends so far, but are our dogs and cats destined to be let down on a not-so-distant Christmas morning?
[sub][sup]#1 Blitzen fan, Pennsylvania[/sup][sub]
Hello and thanks for taking my call…
I’d like to know Santa’s position re: interfaith present distribution. Certainly Santa started out straightlining the Christian traditions but lately, based upon my experiences, he’s loosened up.
I’m Jewish and somehow I got on the good list every single year. I’d get my Hanukah presents and then when December 25th rolled around I’d find this dang tree in my house and a bunch of presents. Now, my dad is a Southern Baptist so maybe that can be applied but how about this:
My kid sister (Mom’s second marriage) ALSO received Christmas presents every year even though her mother is Jewish and her father is Islamic. Is there something I’m missing here?
Lastly, what’s this I hear about Santa sliding down the ‘slippery slope’ in terms of naughty and nice? I got presents every year even though I’d clearly not been anything even remotely resembling nice during my teen years (stealing cars, lying to my mom, telling CindyC absolutely ANYTHING that would convince her I was her one true love, etc ad nauseum). So is it now true that Santa has just opened the floodgates because the North Pole economy is now dependent upon the moving of those presents into the more southern markets?
I mean really. Did Monica Lewinsky get presents a couple of years ago? What about Leona Helmsley?
Santa carries a small sack full of treats and assorted “squeezy” toys just in case someone puts a sock (we call them socks up here) out for their pets, but I think you’ll be surprised to learn that this practice is pretty uncommon. Luckily dogs don’t usually request heavy, high maintenance equipment like a DVD Player or Hungry Hungry Hippos. They usually ask for a BALL, or A SQUIRREL, or COOKIES, so it all works out…except for the squirrels. We can’t deliver on that.
Arden, I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve been a naughty elf. My past is checkered, even parchessied if you will, but I thank Santa was a brave man to give me a second chance after my mistake. I was a young elf, just out of my 200s, and I realized I’d been blessed with an ideal Elf body, three nipples, eight toes, sparkling green eyes, and I decided to make some cash off of it. It wasn’t my proudest moment…I’ve tried to put it behind me. [sub]if you know what I mean[/sub] 
I venture to say that for the right price, you would do the same.
Johnathan, it’s unfortunate that some people feel Santa must only apply to the “birth of the messiah” side of Christmas. I happen to be related to a human family who converted to Judiasm from Catholicism and all of the sudden told their two children that they “couldn’t have Christmas anymore”. I’m an elf, so I can’t slap people, but I thought that was mean. Santa’s just a nice guy, he likes December, and he wants to spread joy…too many people forget that.
And by the way, you just barely slip by on the Nice list…all the years that you didn’t commit murder or adultery, or adulterous murder, helped you to squeeze in.
Monica got nothing…and she liked it.
jarbaby
This one has puzzled me ever since I was a little kid. I would very much like to know what sort of diet/exercise regime Mr. Kringle ascribes to. After all, from my calculations, even one cookie from every plate left out on Christmas Eve would leave Santa with a significant gravitational field.
For a man of his age and occupational dietary hazards he looks darn good. So, how about it? Stairmaster? Bowflex?
Santa is, an elf with giantism, but otherwise he’s just a normal elf. This is important because it means that (like the rest of us) he can eat whatever he wants and never gains weight. Pregnant girl elves ONLY gain weight in their stomachs and they’re notoriously ‘cute’ pregnant. Boy elves always have well defined biceps and six packs…we’re just damn good looking…Santa just seems a lot bigger.
Dear E on SV,
I hesitate to bring this incident up, but last Christmas morning I woke up to find presents under the tree, candy in the stockings, and footprints leading from the fireplace (which was pretty strange, considering it was a lightbulb operated plastic thing).
I also discovered some of “The Special Brownies” a friend had given me for Christmas missing. You diddn’t happen to notice the Big Guy acting, well, strangely last year?
Inky
Dear Elf on summer vacation:
OK, I understand why I got coal and socks and stuff; I was a bad kid. But my sister was a very good kid. I mean, like, legendary good. She cleaned her room and did her chores and finished her homework on time and everything.
So how come you guys never came through with that pony for her?
I mean, that’s all she really wanted, was that pony. The bike and the piano and doll house were bare consolation prizes to her, and whenever she didn’t get that pony she cried and cried. Why did you hurt my sister like that, and where’s the damn pony?
Thank you manhattan for bringing up an issue that I’d like to address.
Ponies. The pony issue comes up year after year and I’m happy to have a forum in which to clear the air.
Santa can’t bring ponies. I’m sorry. It’s just that simple, and you may as well tell your children right away. For Santa to bring ponies, he would also have to bring “THE UPKEEP FOR PONIES” and that includes oats, a stable, a big place to run, a saddle, bridle and bit and that adds up. Even Santa has to stick to a budget if he’s to supply a present for every boy and girl and a paycheck for every elf. Besides (and here’s a little trade secret) all of the gifts must be minimized for transport via a trip through a special minimizing chamber. The ponies…don’t fare well in there. In fact, a bit of trivia is that many years ago, a child in Prussia asked for a HORSE for Christmas. Santa sent the Horse through the minimizer and low and behold, couldn’t maximize it back…thus, the first PONY was born.
Kitties and Puppies (which is Pica’s department) are a little easier, the upkeep being perhaps a cute bowtie, some bags of meow mix or a leash or what have you…but ponies are out of the question…
ponyGIRLS are a whole different story
And while we’re here, Inky, I knew there had to be a reason that you were permanently put at the top of the NICE list…I just didn’t know why!
jarbaby
Whoa!
We can get ponygirls for Christmas?!
SWEET!
Does that include the tack or is that a seperate present?
Oh, and Ms. Elf? I’d probably do the same if the right person asked nicely or just told me to.
Dear M. Elf,
Thanks for your candour in answering these questions.
I must congratulate the Big Guy on the spread of the Claus tradition beyond the Christian community (as evidenced upthread)–although the Japanese Santa-Claus-on-the-Cross wall-hanging figurine I saw last week at the Psychocultural Institute does have me a little worried. Your Promotions staff are certainly on the ball.
My question: are the proportions of Naughty to Nice changing? It seems to me that Humanity is passing through a period of increased Naughtiness: is this reflected in your gift assignments?
Thanks 
P.S: Kaj cxu vi akceptas demandojn en aliaj lingvoj?
Well, I think what we see happening is that the general curve of Naughty and Nice is changing. It’s taking more and more to become Naughty. I mean, putting flies in the ice cubes or giving your aunt pepper gum is nothing any more. The world is going through a Naughty period, but really in children aged 2 to 9, it’s going swell.
Maybe…but I have a bad knee.
jarbaby
Thank you. I realise that there are issues here that spread far beyond the North Pole.
I do have another question. How does Santa handle deliveries in the Southern Hemisphere? A sleigh wouldn’t work all that well during the austral summer, correct? The Toxic Custard Guide to Australia speaks of ‘alternative arrangements being made’, but gives no details.
Mia demando ne gravas. And I hope you get better soon. That’s what holidays are for, right?
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Sunspace *
I do have another question. How does Santa handle deliveries in the Southern Hemisphere? A sleigh wouldn’t work all that well during the austral summer, correct?
I guess…but you’re bringing the whiskey. When i’m drunk, I’m more bendable.
jarbaby
I thought something like that might be the case. That would explain those… interesting… aerial sightings in Canberra last year then, wouldn’t it. I guess I shouldn’t have reacted that way to my cousin’s reports. Hopefully the investigation woun’t find anything actually wrong with him. Um.
<pause>
<reads rest of post>
<long pause>
<brightly> Ho, ni havas aferon, kiu pli bonas ol viskio! Ni havas fajroakvon! Ni povas flugi poste! And the last time we did that, we had a jolly old time!
[sub][sup]Dear elf/elves on summer vacation,[/sup][/sub]
What was up with the Pet Rocks back in the '70s? Were there just lots of naughty kids that year, or what?
[sub][sup]#1 Blitzen Fan, Pennsylvania[/sup][/sub]
HAH!!!
And this is what I was asking about up there! Santa is clearly choosing to hit the slippery slope of naughty to nice. It’s this sort of moral relativism that’s bringing about the destruction of family values in america!
I’ve sent a copy of this thread to both the moral majority and the vatican. I realize, with Santa’s new ‘naughty ain’t all that bad’ mentality the moral majority might not have much punch but, being a saint himself, Santa clearly falls under the authority of the pontiff.
So how are you going to explain, now that you’ve been caught, the contradictory “we haven’t changed our standards” and “It takes more and more to be naughty” statements.
Don’t make me send this to Jesse Helms. You know he’s just DYING to take a stab at the big red guy.
Jonathan. :: ahem :: I’ve got your slippery slope right here pal.
I didn’t want to get into this shady side of the Northpole operations, especially since everyone’s been so great at this conference…but the fact is we have more power than you You go get your pope. You go get your moral majority, you get your court order… and we’ll see if you, or your children, or your children’s children ever get another gift again…ever. And we’ll see their reaction on Christmas morning when they open a small red envelope that reads
“Due to his slanderous actions towards Santa Claus, Ltd., Mr. Chance has forfeited his family’s rights to FREELY GIVEN, AT NO COST TO YOU Gifts from this day forth.”
Think about it.
jarbaby
p.s. pet rocks. What can I say. We had some budgeting problems and we were fresh out of ideas