During this time of the year, many news organizations run pieces in which they play along with the myth of Santa Claus. But that’s just in our world. If the Many Worlds hypothesis is correct, there may well be an Earth in which both Cecil Adams and Old Saint Nick exist.
Write a post as if this were that world. You can support Santa as a force for good, you can be suspicious of his motives, you can call for the appointment of a new incarnation of the Christmas spirit, whatever. Just stay with the conceit that Kris Kringle is real.
For the love of gumdrops, people. I’m 1667 years old. Get off your lazy butts and go to Toys R Us or something, would you? I’m gettin’ too old for this shit.
Guys, I’ve been wondering about something. Every year, the US military (specifically the people manning the radar screens) has to make allowances for Santa’s sleigh coming down from the North Pole so as not to mistake him for a nuclear missile coming from Russia and thus start World War III by mistake. But during the Cold War the Russians made no such concessions (Cecil covered that in a column, but I can’t find it) as they did not allow him to deliver presents. Didn’t that mean we were making ourselves more vulnerable? Why did we allow this? I should think people would have been suspicious.
IN THE HYPOTHETICAL COURT OF CONVENIENT CIRCUMSTANCE
SUBPOENA DUCES TECUM
TO: Kris Kringle, aka “Santa Claus” aka “St. Nicholas” aka Papa Noel
Santa’s Workshop
North Pole
You are hereby commanded to produce for inspection and copying any and all lists of Naughty Girls (AGED 18 OR OLDER) in your care, possession, or control. Said lists to be produced at the Law Office of Oakminster, PLLC, on or before December 24, 2010 at 1:00 PM Central Daylight Time.
Note: This Subpoena is for documents only, and does not require a personal appearance.
ISSUED, this the 20th day of December, 2010.
By my hand, _________________________
Clerk of Court
When you only work one night a year, you want to be thorough, right? So I’m making my rounds, and come upon this little town I’ve been to before. Nice folks, kids are always on my Good list, and so on. Some towns I don’t look forward to going to, but this one, I do.
And there’s this green fuzzy guy, dressed like me and driving a sled pulled by a dog with an antler tied to its head, who gets there about the same time. I confront this imposter, ask him what he’s doing, and he replies that he’s there to take everything I deliver, as well as food, and decorations and stuff. Anyway, we argue for a while, and I reluctantly skip this town. I didn’t want to get into a fight, and I had a schedule to keep to so I couldn’t waste time. I heard later that the folks in this town had a good Christmas anyway, but I’m still sorry I skipped the town. Like I said, when you only work one night a year, you want to be thorough.
Anyway, what should I have done? Called a cop? Decked the guy? Done my thing anyway? Simply left? Dopers, help, since if I encounter the same situation next year, I want to be prepared.
Assuming this is moved to GD, I don’t think it’s that big a deal. Santa has a specific signature if you watch his journey on NORAD, and has a very specific pattern. I don’t think it would be possible to contruct a similar vehicle that would have the same signature, since Santa will not allow scientific testing on his reindeer to see what makes them fly. Cecil won’t admit it in his column, but I talked to him at a Doper convention (back when he actually attended, before his Cabinet appointment), and even his attempts at replication have had only lackluster results.
And that NORAD thing is true in our universe, too. It’s a Christmas tradition for us to watch this every year, including the part on our local news where Santa “suddenly veers off course” and arrives in the studio, looking and sounding suspiciously like the sexagenarian sportscaster.
Actually, this is very easy to answer - Russians (and other Eastern Orthodox Christians) don’t celebrate Christmas until about 2 or 3 weeks after we do. There’s a lot of places Santa doesn’t go to on Dec. 24: Eastern Europe, the Middle East, the Crawford Ranch (come on, you think he’s on the Good List?), his job is a lot easier than we give him credit for.
I mean, if we don’t make concessions to them on January 6, why should they make concessions to us on December 24?
And don’t you think that he already knows what’s going on anyways? What places and signals to avoid? The rise of such things as the panopticon, spy agencies, and StreetView are only echoes of the original world-wide surveillance system.
I write this with trepidation and a heavy heart, for in less than a week my fate will be sealed. It is December 21, 2010, and I fear that I will not survive to see the new year. The fate of which I speak is none other than the annual rampage of the Yuletide destroyer himself, Santa Claus.
This magicked harbinger of doom unleashes hellacious destruction upon the surface world at every December 25, his near-light speed sleigh of annihilation and mutant hellspawn reindeer commence a ransacking of the earth at instantaneous speed; and this year I have reached the Exile age of 30. I don’t harbor any resentment towards those dwelling in fear beneath the ground; the food is not enough for all of us and drastic measures must be taken to ensure humanity’s survival, hence the banishment of the aged to the surface world to combat the terror.
Those of us nearing 30 had already been preparing most of our lives to combat this demon so my destiny was not unforseen. It is just difficult to accept it has come so quickly. How much of my life I had squandered! And to think in centuries past, men were allowed to live past 30 and not suffer the infernal crucible of combatting the foul spirit for mere survival! T’was not a merry night that brought the beast from legend to the earth; why had mankind’s offspring not remained good throughout the year??
It begins. The hour is nigh. I go meet the crimson destroyer himself, my time is come.
Fvcktard. Don’t mean to sound completely ungrateful, but I specifically told the moron at the mall last Saturday that I had a Playstation 3 and what does he do? Leaves behind a bunch of Wii games. WTF!?!?
All right boys and girls, it’s that favorite time of year - the Christmas gift exchange!
Yes, this is the thread where we talk about the misses and gaffes of Santa’s generosity and try to come up with a more… equitable… distribution of gifts. Unfortunately, judging by what was left under my tree, the QC guys at the North Pole workshop didn’t even bother to read the letters, so I expect that this thread could easily approach 40,000 replies before we get this mess straightened out.
Remember the rules: You can trade, sell, cajole, and wheedle, but you can’t threaten. And if you think you’re the GM of the NY Yankees and you want to make a 5-person deal that depends upon split timing (and a few bribes), please… take it to PM’s.
Let me get this started:
I asked for: A 10-speed bicycle
I actually received: Three pairs of Daisy Duke shorts
(Like I said, the QC guys must have been asleep. Or fired. Or smoking elf-ganja).
What are you thinking, man? Apart from the obvious thing about him knowing when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake, Santa reads the Dope! (He mentioned Cecil by name on the Leno last fall, remember? Plus every time he guest-hosts on Regis & Kelly, he makes a wisecrack about having to dodge 1920s-style-death-rays when he’s over Chicago.) You don’t think he ever does a vanity search?
I was 17 years old and just didn’t give a fvck. Had 3 F’s at school, smoked dope all the time, couldn’t hold a job, and convinced the chick down the street that I couldn’t make her pregnant because of a football injury I suffered in Pee Wee leagues. (No, she wasn’t the brightest bulb on the tree.)
When I pulled the coal out of my stocking… I’m ashamed to say that my mother weeped. However, I can say that she hasn’t wept for me since (well, except during my wedding) as that piece of coal was about as big a wake-up call as I could have ever received. It literally saved my life.
How about you… when did you receive the piece of coal, and why?
At least I can burn the fvckin’ coal. Playstation games? I might be able to sell them as used at Game Stop, make about $3/each from them. That’s money I could wipe my ass with.
Actually, no one is. China and Russia don’t really enjoy the competition, and have threatened to bar Santa from their airspace if he stays in the fossil fuel business. Congress is mulling over a similar Yuletide Protectionism bill. Anyway, most of the North Pole watchers are saying they expect Santa to yield to international pressure on this one.
