Thank you for coming today. I can take a few questions, but first I have a statement.
We have decided to allow the U.N. inspectors into the North Pole…simply because we have nothing to hide. However, it is ridiculous for you to expect us to allow you to see the innerworkings of Santa’s Workshop or private living quarters.
Do you really think we are at liberty to show you the toy minimizer? And the pony farms? And what’s to be gained by seeing Santa’s kitchen, warm and good smelling, filled with the tastes and sights of Christmas.
We will assign you two elves: Zapf Chancery and Monotype Sorts, to escort you around the north pole. You will have complete access to the Reindeer Stables, the String Light Checking Plant, the Mail Rooms, Ribbon Curling and the Stocking Knitter’s Union Hall. You will be staying in the luxurious, all suite North Pole Hilton where you will be given two coupons for the all you can eat breakfast buffet.
We understand that some of the U.N. Inspectors have, how do I put this delicately, DIFFERENT TASTES…and I would ask that you respect our elven women, and not lure them into your lives of twisted sin. Some of these girls are only 120 years old for god sake…they don’t know what you human men are talking about.
In short…we welcome the U.N. Inspectors, but also request that they leave the North Pole before December 20th, so we have time to pack.
Will Santa confirm or deny reports that his daughter, Ms. Jingle Belle Claus, was seen in the company of Yasser Arafat “painting the town red” as she puts it?
Is Santa’s daughter connected with the Intafada? And if so, will Santa be supplying Hamas with armor-piercing suagrplums?
I am sorry but we must insist on inspecting the kitchen, after all we have to be sure that the powdered sugar really is powdered sugar.
(Ohhhhh goody, just a couple of hours ago I was hoping there would be another of Ms. Jar Elf’s threads this year.)
Bosda, good to see you again. As usual, you prefer to sling mud than to stick to the facts. Ms Jingle Belle Claus is in NO way associated with any terrorist activities, and her ‘painting days are over’. Check your sources, I think you’ll find they’re coming from the Easter Bunny camp.
Mr. Chance: We have been encountering problems with the nog this year, it’s a clerical mistake that our NogMaster Goudy is working on correcting, something to do with frozen lines and ‘wild’ chickens. I’m not sure when it will be fixed, all I can say is BE PATIENT, and USE A DESIGNATED DRIVER.
Swamp, I don’t deal in gift requests directly. If I did, I’d never get any work done. Please direct request email and complaints to our Request and Mail department, attn: Mr. Bell Gothic, Esq. I do know that he has a backlog of complaints regarding Billy Bass gifts, so patience is the watchword.
Also, Pica is in charge of reindeer poop scooping, I’ll direct your question to him tomorrow.
Aye: we will supply you with powdered sugar samples which you can test at your convenience, but the kitchen is closed. Perhaps you simply have to trust us this once?
We’ve heard rumors of elven rights violations in the off-season. Is there any reason why we’re ignoring the area our informants tell us contains the “elf discipline station?”
Is Santa Aware that the United Nations Transportation Initiative for Emergencies (UNTIE) has determined that the power source of the sleigh can be used as a weapon of mass destruction? Will the garage be open to inspections?
The very idea that anyone involved with bringing joy to children around the world would harbor weapons of mass destruction is absurd. We can’t open the garage to inspections, lest you see our patented hover sleigh technology which we plan on unveiling in early 2005.
Mr. Ethel or whatever your name is. Elves are released from duty on December 28 and do not have to return to work until April 20th, sounds pretty reasonable to me. They are also provided with unlimited cocoa, pfefferneuse and butter cookies throughout the hardworking christmas season. While at work, elves live in small cabins, complete with jacuzzi tubs and kitchenettes, no more than four elves to a home. I assure you they are very comfortable.
As for my wrists, that’s none of your business. Rest assured, I’m very happy working at the North Pole
Question - there has been some confusion over the composition of Santa’s reindeer team. We have seen contradictory spellings of “Donner” vs. “Donder”, and this has happened often enough to cause concern that perhaps one of the reindeer was biologically engineered, and replaced by a similarly-named counterfeit. Will this confusion be addressed?
And as a followup, on that subject, there are concerns that Rudolph’s nose was not just a chance birth defect - is it true that his mother’s part of the stable was next to the chemical and toy paint drain? Has that been checked for leaks?
Will this inspection be able to refute, once and for all, the alleged Santa-Bat Boy connection? I have sources who claim that the stories of nefarious goings-on between the jolly old elf and the WWW headliner are not merely fabrications but rather reveal a dark side that the Claus family is trying to cover up.
Ms. Jar
Some of the girls and I are a little sick of you warning off the UN inspectors like you’re wont to do every time anyone half-way decent looking stops by the workshop. I mean, we signed up to work for santa, not to live in a nunery. We’re big girls (ok, yeah, some of us are only 3 feet tall but whatever) and can take care of ourselves without your smug mothering attitude about the visits. I think, as an adult elf, I’m old enough to let an inspector know if offering to show me his missle is going too far, than you very much. For god’s sake, have a heart, not all of us have something going with The Big Guy.
Sadly, I can answer the batboy question right away. Surely you know that Mr. and Mrs. Claus are infertile, which is why they give all of their time to YOUR HUMAN CHILDREN, and there is no way that Batboy could have sprung from their loins.
<cough>
ahem.
DONNER is the correct spelling, however we do have a reindeer, Donder. He’s auxilliary team, along with Fuzznuts and Blammo. They work around the pole and are the transport for Santa among the various workshop stations. If one of the nine reindeer are unable to complete their duties, Donder, Fuzznuts and Blammo can fill in.
As far as I know, Rudolph’s nose is a birth defect, although we prefer to call him Differently Nosed.
Elfkin, why am I not surprised that you’re looking for a little more on the side? Whatsa matter sugarbutt? Giovanni in the stables not giving you enough? Or are you so stretched out you need a human to make you feel anything.
Don’t bring my personal life into your anotomical problems. The U.N. Inspectors would chew you up and spit you out little girl, and I’m not going to be here for you to cry on.
Perhaps mr. beagle should trust those of us who ACTUALLY WORK WITH SAID REINDEER rather than on cheap, tabloid websites. As I said previously, DONDER IS an auxilliary reindeer.
Mr. Chance, save your conspiracy theories for another day. It’s very well known that April 20th is known at the North Pole as Spring Clean Up Day and has been since 1821, long before Hitler was even born. This is when we report back to our places at the North Pole (via train from our various vacation homes), clean out the desks and start building mass production toys such as wagons and skates.