Rumor has it that the inspectors have found stockings full of “goodies” in their suites. Can you comment on these accusations? We’ve heard that some of said stockings are “fishnet” style and most definitely not filled with oranges and whistles…
We are very hospitable at the north pole. I’m surprised they didn’t find elfkin in their rooms. :rolleyes:
Only an elf-catfight could distract me from your nefarious plots.
$10 American on Elfkin!
Spring Clean Up Day… also known as S.C.U.D.! Hah-HAHHHH!
Ms Jar!
Who are these “elves”, really? Elves prefer the color green, pack Santa’s sleigh and live in a cold climate infested with polar bears. Some circles have suggested these elves bear an uncanny similarity to the Green Bay Packers. Elves = Packers?
The clinching question: Do Santa’s elves handle the polar bears as easily as the Packers handle that Chicago football team?
Our readers demand to know!
The difference between Elves and Packers are numerous.
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We are all between 105 and 115 pounds.
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We all have 28 teeth.
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We have steady jobs.
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There are no pharmacies on the North Pole.
A reporter wearing a cap with the letters TNR and a green butterfly logo raises his hand. He speaks with an unfamiliar European accent.
“Madame Jar! Bernard Lili, Tutmonda Novajx-Reto.
Can you clarify the jurisdiction of your North Pole facilities? Our Finnish, Canadian, and Greenlandic subscribers all claim that “Santa Claus” lies in their respective nation-states, and they all provide domestic postal addresses. Can you confirm that the Universal Postal Union has been unable to mediate these conflicting claims?”
Ms Jar!
Kwyjibo from the Daily Override!
Who is Santa’s daddy and what does he do?
Good question Bernie. How are the kids?
Let me put it this way. The North Pole is all things to all people, and it’s all a matter of who knows who.
Basically, we have many branch offices, although the majority of our train connections DO go through Greenland, so that is where our main Postal hub is located.
Would you address the rumors of the pending reindeer strike and the possiblity of flying sheep as scabs?
Thank you.
The reindeer have voted in a new contract, we’re happy to say, and will be flying this year. They are also receiving optical insurance and are exempt from reporting to the NTSB, which were their requests. The 11% pay raise was negotiated down to 7.5, and they seem to be happy with that.
Santa’s daddy is named Wayne Manusky, and he lives in Charlotte North Carolina. He’s retired from public life, but likes to make doll furniture out of tin cans.
Ms. Jar, I’d like to hear something about elvish responses to the way elves are depicted in certain recent (and/or upcoming) popular movies. Any thoughts?
Why do the sheep I saw at the N.P. Hilton wear lipstick?
carnivorous…kindly return to the Zanies Comedy Club from whence you came.
C_carol: My PERSONAL big problem with current depictions of elves in film (specifically Christmas elves, as LOTR elves are considered Randoms by us), is that they’re almost always kids…and a lot of them have dark eyes. Well known fact is that Christmas elves ALWAYS have green eyes. That’s just the way it goes. And we never weigh more than 115 pounds, we don’t suffer from combination skin, and when we’re pregnant, only our tummy gets fat, and we can eat all we want and never gain weight.
It’s a nice deal, actually.
J
Ms. Jar!
How do you respond to the recent accusations of steroid use among your reindeer? Is it true that some reindeer feel compelled to “bulk up” in this fashion to get better jobs - especially a spot at the front of the line for the sleigh-puller crew? Does the world’s increasing population mean that the reindeer now need performance-enhancing drugs to be able to make it through the Christmas deliveries?
As of right now, we DO have periodic and random steroid testing for all reindeer, auxilliary or first team. If a deer is found to be using a controlled substance, we do not shun them. They are put into a rehab program, given a book deal, and three weeks paid vacation.
But remember this: steroids are bad.
Ms. Jar!
How can your corporation wish peace on Earth and goodwill to men while simultaneously providing snowballs via back door routes to the Heat Miser regime in Lapland? Is this in any way connected to reports of racial profiling for all people of gingerbread descent?
Ms. Jar!
Would you please comment on the fact that 100% of Santa’s first team reindeer are all male and brown. You have no female or other minority reindeer on the team, despite the presence of many qualified reindeer in your stalls. Surely this can’t reflect well in your EOF (equal opportunity flying).
Ms. Jar!
Worker’s Weekly News, here.
Isn’t it true that the reindeer contract vote took place in an atmosphere of threat and intimidation? Isn’t it true that voting took place in the same room as is located Mr. Claus’ new sausage machine? Isn’t it true that this coercive setting was felt necessary due to the fact that the scab sheep (and I quote from a copy of a report marked Highly Secret) “do not fly so much as plummet”? Do you deny that a coverup of this egregious mistreatment of the reindeer union is taking place?
This will certainly be news to Vixen.