Ms. Jar, Ms. Jar - Is it true that Santa provided (flips through notes) “an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle” to one “Ralphie Parker”, and that rumors are flying that not only did he nearly “shoot his eye out” with it - as many responsible adults warned would happen - but that he also lied to his mother to cover up the fact? Isn’t this the act of a “naughty” boy rather than a “nice” one? And is it true that Santa warned him of this very danger in a department store that same Christmas? How does the North Pole respond to this, and to demands that Santa’s weapons distribution be severely curtailed?
[Helen Thomas voice] We all remember when Santa Claus conquered the Martians. We do not want a repeat of such colonialism; how can we be assured that Santa has disarmed and is keeping his peace treaty with Mars? [/Helen Thomas voice]
ROFL
Ahem. Ms. JAR – JODI from Ms. Could you please give us some information on Mrs. Claus’s conspicuous absence and lack of comment on the UN inspectors? We know from pictures and reports that there is a Mrs. Santa Claus, but she’s rarely seen in public and never comments on issues of public interest. What is her opinion on the issue of open inspections? Does her silence indicate some disagreement with Mr. Claus on how this delicate issue is being handled?
And what about this list we hear so much about? How is it that you have such detailed knowledge of the activities of every little girl and boy? In the event that some child does end up getting a lump of coal in his or her stocking, do you have a license for the interstate transport of petroleum products?
Oh ho, that’s rich. How’s that paragon of virtue thing going for you? Must be hard to mantain that illusion after having been voted Most Likely To Spread Holiday Cheer for fifty years running. Yeah, that freak Meterilia has been winning that vote ever since she was rumored to offer to teach a couple of the young bucks how to “fly” a few decades ago but you used to be as fun loving as the rest of us. You’ve changed. I guess being picked by Santa to do PR that’ll reflect well on the 501 © (3) status he’s hoping for has made you forget the days when you used to wish for a little something in your stocking too. Lighten up, would you? We’re hoping you’ll make it to the New Years party this year since it hasn’t been as entertaining without you.
Ms Jar! Ms Jar!
I wish to follow up on the continuing refusal by Mr. Claus to take responsibility for chronic shortages of specific popular toys. We’ve all heard about the unfortunate riots regarding Cabbage Patch Babies, Tickle-Me-Elmos, and Lord only knows what it’ll be this year. Would it perhaps be too much to ask, after all these years, for Mr. Claus to redirect some of the resources dedicated to his staggeringly huge legal department in favor of market tracking and production?
Alright Alright…let me take this a few at a time here.
checks watch
cmosdes, mr. beagledave has answered your questions quite thoroughly I think. Vixen is indeed a light token…I mean TAN…female, and she does a great job on the team. She is also, SEXUALLY DIVERSE, if you know what I mean, and so is definitely in the minority.
radiowave, I have no knowledge of a flow of arms to the Heat Miser, and would kindly ask that you refrain from causing a panic here at the north pole and abroad. As one of the Holiday superpowers, we are really not in need of a scandal this late in the season…or is that your objective, mr. wave?
This Year’s Model:
Do I look like a friggin reindeer to you? NO REALLY…I’m asking. Perhaps if I did, I’d know what went on at the Reindeer Union Meetings…but I don’t. I’m an elf. I speak for Santa and work in Kitten Placement. All I have are the statements. Perhaps Dasher will come out here and answer questions later…but for now all you have is my word…that the union vote went smoothly. Or perhaps you’d like to call me a liar? Perhaps you…and let me just flip through my notes here…oh, perhaps on December 26th, 1989 you were heard to say “I hate Santa” ? Isn’t that the case?
Ferret Herder: Yes, the Ralphie Parker Ammendment was added to our policies shortly after the Red Ryder incident. Unfortunately, children today can make weapons out of almost anything. In fact, I saw a three year old hit his infant brother with a squeezy plastic steak intended for the family dog. So you see, anything is a weapon really. Would you have us not give out any toys to any children? World unhappiness? Is that what you want?
Ms Thomas. Thank you for addressing the Mars question, as it brings me to my point of:
how do you expect us to keep the martians AWAY from earth if we are not allowed to have weapons to defend ourselves? The Martians, as of now, are a lovely bunch of folks, but I have heard talk of them desiring nubile American boys for their sulphur mines. Surely none of us want this happening.
Ms. Jodi: Mrs. Claus is actually suffering from a social anxiety disorder. I really shouldn’t even be telling you this, but she not only fears speaking in public, but she fears adult humans measuring over five feet five inches tall. So while she understand the inspections are necessary (although, again, we have nothing to hide), she is afraid to meet publicly with the U.N. Inspectors. I assure you that Mr. Claus loves her very much and is not cheating on her.
Ethilirist: Our license to transport coal is listen on page 25 of the summary we sent out last quarter, and I think you’ll find all of our filings are up to date.
Mr. Cervaise: Thanks for your question. To be honest, toy shortages are as much of a surprise to us as they are to you. We were actually quite confident the Barbie’s First Dungeon Toy would be a hotcake request, but strangely only a few men’s groups in San Francisco requested it. To be honest, we have so much on our collective plates here in N.P. that product tracking would be like rearranging desk chairs on the Titanic.
And Finally ELFKIN.
I guess it’s too much to ask that you let a wayward elf put her past behind her, right? And newsflash, it is possible to have fun at New Year’s Parties without popping Vitamin C pills all night and getting sick on Peach Nectar…or are you so far gone that you can’t see that?
What is it really Elfkin? Huh? Are you so unhappy for me and my new husband, Quinn Unleaded, that you must try to sabotage it by suggesting that I’m having an affair with SANTA CLAUS? PLEASE. You know I’ve always preferred the guys who work with the animals…after all I’ve been out with elves that dated YOU.
HAHAHA.
Perhaps a quick call to HR will get you put on Spirit Patrol this year. We’ll see how quick you are to joke when you’re checking people for christmas lights in February.
cmosdes blinks at beagledave and jarbabyj, his mouth agape and, honestly, stunned. He looks at the press kit and the picturesque image of Santa in his sleigh this his 8, er, 9, trusty reindeer. He looks again. Then again. He raises his hand meekly.
“Um, Ms. Jar? Exactly which one of these reindeer with the RACK on their heads is the female??” He flips through other pictures and finds no picture showing any of the reindeer flying team without a rack, and raises his hand higher. “Assuming that there is a female in there somewhere, can you please elaborate again on the lack of steroid abuse?”
Ever heard of falsies?
Next question.
Ms Jar!
Would you please elaborate futher on which reindeer are female and which are not? If only vixen is female, that would mean only 11% of the team is female, with a full 50% of the rest of the heard being female. Not to mention the 30% that are tan, 15% with a small rack. Clearly there appears to be gender and rack discrimination going on! You yourself just said Vixen feels the need to wear falsies!
There are also rumblings afoot in the reindeer ranks that because Santa has an antitrust exemption, he is not practicing fair labor practices by making these poor animals work 1 FULL night each year and because of his monopoly, they have no other recourse but to suffer with 25 room stalls and other meager offerings of the big guy. How do you respond to that?
Ms Jar!
hardygrrl here…
Do the elves also make the Hanukkah toys OR does Hanukkah Harry really exist?
hey…is that Kurt Angle under your podium?
Well cmosdes…it’s time you know the whole sordid truth.
ALL of the fat dude’s reindeer are chicks.
To whit…
Hey, I said the Big Guy, not Santa. From what I’ve heard from bitter male elves who visit the communial showers, Santa has nothing on your Quinn. <raises eyebrows> Really, you’d think you’d be a happier elf…
And Spirit partol doesn’t scare me…Just don’t make me do black ops again this year, there’s still a freak on this board who trash talks the squad. It’s not my fault that Merry decided to stalk the guy.
Ms Jar! Ms Jar!
First of all, if he has you working both PR and Kitten placement I certainly hope you’re getting paid for both jobs!
Second, if there’s no ‘weapons of mass destruction’ located at the north pole then why, exactly, is the UN inspections team up there? I know for a fact they’re not the Consumer Safety Commission. I clearly saw Hans Blix stalking around the village like an overgrown bat.
Third, what’s this I hear about you receiving a six-figure advance from Harper-Collins for a tell-all book? And will you be writing it or using a ghost?
Fourth, what’s a reporter have to do to get a ticket to that party?
It’s ‘weapons of mass distraction’ the inspection team’s worried about…
Hans Blix is nobody’s baby. He is a rude, slovenly, drunken rube who, I may add, was caught peeking in the Elf shower houses on NUMEROUS occasions. He can look all he wants, he’s not going to find any weapons, anywhere. But He IS NOT ALLOWED INTO THE WORKSHOP, OK?
The Christmas Party is, unfortunately for Elves and Reindeer ONLY. I’m sorry.
Elfkin, let’s bury the hatchet. I’m just looking out for you. The U.N. Inspectors aren’t going to treat you how you want to be treated. I don’t want you to make the mistakes I made. I’m very happy with Quinn, and I want you to find happiness with your own burly stableboy. Be careful, that’s all I’m asking.
Ms Jar, I don’t think you answered my question about the cause of UN feeling inspections are necessary…
Can I see your press credentials?