My fellow reporters…
I think we’re on to something here. Can you smell it like I can.
I’m thinking it’s about time for a media circus.
Who’s with me here?
Can’t we have a media freeding frenzy? Media circuses are sooooo last year.
Go ahead mr. chance. Ruin christmas for every child on this great earth. You GO TO little Suzie Hefferman on Christmas morning and say “I’m the reason Santa didn’t bring you your insulin this year”
Do it.
I dare you.
Ms Jar! Ms. Jar!
Kwyjibo here again.
Why won’t you make an appearence on the Howard Stern show?
I thought those NDAs Santa’s goons forced us to sign would keep people from telling tales out of school. I guess Santa is going to have to get medieval on a certain group of employees again.
Just when we had gotton all of the elf entrails and reindeer blood cleaned out of the lighting fixtures.
Ms. Jar, Photopat Qyzybuk from the Chicago Fantasy Times. You made a statement earlier suggesting that negative rumors about Santa’s Workshop may have come out of the Easter Bunny Alliance. How long has there been hostility between the two Holiday Organizations? What is the status of your relationship with the Leprechaun Guild and Brewers Society?
Also, given that Christmas decorations and gift catalogues come out earlier every year, now threatening to encroach on Arbor Day, is Mr. Claus concerned about any backlash from Organized Labor Day? What about the meeting between Santa and the Great Pumpkin to bring an end to Halloween night hostilities? What sort of “arrangements” were made? A candy for toy trade?
Finally, who’s fashions are you sporting this year? Given we’re at the North Pole, it’s no surprise, but we can all see from looking at you that it’s quite cold out today.
Ms Jar! Ms Jar!
We’re receiving unconfirmed reports of troop movements toward the North Pole in response to the Claus regime’s continuing refusal to allow inspectors into the workshop and living quarters. We have also received a letter from an unknown source promising to, and I quote, “bring ruin to the fat, red-faced corporate stooge and his den of criminal lackeys.” The letter was signed “E. Bunny”. Do you have any comment on these new developments?
If it’s worth a pulitzer you know I will. Oh yes. I missed one chance to be played by Robert Redford by not following up that Tooth Fairy ‘false teeth’ ring last year. I’m not missing this one!
HOLD THE PRESSES!!!
(Note: This is actually sounding like the White House Press Room. I’ve been there…I know.)
All I can say is that as usual, the LIBERAL MEDIA has stirred up a panic that can only end in tragedy. Our tensions with the Easter Bunny were well under control until the MEDIA WENT DIGGING. We have no choice but to defend our holiday and our holiday lifestyle. The United States does NOT police the world.
And, by the way, elfs always have pert, bouncy breasts with tight, hard nipples…even when it’s warm.
Bang. I’ll kill the story for the tickets.
Otherwise this ‘liberal’ media member might be forced to point out that it’s the United Nations coming for your twisted regime, Ms Jar.
Even as we speak…you, your children and your children’s children are being put on the naughty list.
Seems a pulitzer is more important to you than the happiness of all good little girls and boys.
Ms.Jar!
Phil Palanaragarang, EPN.
Can you confirm the report by the Iqaluit Nuuk Courier that the so-called ‘abandoned’ American base on the icecap in Greenland is now a forward staging area for Claus forces? And that US C-130 transports have been reguarly using Iqaluit airport for the past week? And that chocolate eggs are now 50% off in ‘pre-Christmas sales’ across Nunavut?
Ms. Jar,
Qwerty Jones, Daily Planet
- If they leave behind one of those cool white cars with the UN on the side, could Santa send one to me?
Man, that would really impress the chicks!
- Don’t you think Hans Blix would be a good elf name?
In fact, how do you know he ISN’T an elf? An elf that could turn on his own kind?
Ms. Jar,
What is the Santa organization’s stand on the issue of religious bias. Leading members of non-Christian religions around the world have complained again and again that the Claus toy drive is nothing more than a form of religious bribery aimed at convincing people to convert to Chrstianity, specifically, given Santa’s origins, to Catholicism and the larger Protestant denominations.
Ms. Jar, I put it to you-is Santa in the Pope’s pocket?
Given the hebraic nature of my family I mock your petty thefts.
Not so ‘all seeing’ as you thought, eh?
And I’m a member of the press. Of course a pulitzer is more important than the happiness of children. Haven’t you been paying attention?
:: slips Chance two tickets to the Christmas party::
no more questions. Thank you.
Thank you very much, Ms Jar.
The puff piece runs in Sunday’s Style section.
Now can we get some photos?
Ms. Jar,
Can you tell us whence comes the funding for Mr. Claus’ massive North Pole operation? Given the delivery domain of gifts is primarily over U.S. and European territories, given the sophisticated listening and observation capabilities of the operation (which, Ms. Jar, you have admitted to Mr. Claus possessing), and given Mr. Claus’ fascination with red garb, I smell a Communist spy plot…
Dammit Chance, you know the rules. Never say that when those TV jerks…uhm, I mean…our broadcast media counterparts are around. They’ve got you on tape now. We’re supposed to be doing a public service, not grubbing for awards. I hope you like it here at the pole, because you’ll be staying a long time.
Maybe Santa will give you a job reporting weather.
Ms. Jar, Ms. Jar. . .
Tripler, Jane’s Defense Somewhat Weekly. A two part question:
-
If Santa and the North Pole are not worried about UN inspectors finding weapons of mass destruction, how do you respond to the inevitable question that Santa and his R&D labs have developed stealth sleigh technology? WMD and stealth have been shown to go hand in hand. With the current elevated postures against antiterrorism, isn’t Santa concerned that he may be fired on as a hostile aircraft entering NORTHCOM controlled airspace?
-
Also, how does Santa explain the fabled “brilliant star in the sky” stories. The same star previous inspectors dressed as undercover wise men tried to follow unsuccessfully. If I recall correctly, further operational tests were rumored a few years back. Is this research into a delivery system of WMD or worse yet, a psychological weapon?
Tripler
. . . tap tap tap . . . Is this thing on?