"Because I said so." - Denying children's critical thinking and reasoning skills?

In My Humble Opinion
1

If you’re an elementary school child, you hear this all the time. You question something a parent or teacher has told you to do and more likely than not, you are silenced with the authoritative, “Because I said so.”

It really makes me wonder if this method has any benefits to it other than avoiding having to take the time to explain your stance.

I feel like it has a negative impact on children, more than anything.

Not only that, but it’s a very agitating experience for the child. All they are trying to do is see if the adult has a valid explanation for their stance and justify their own. Then, when the adult just abruptly ends the discussion with, “Because I said so,” it’s annoying for the child because how is he/she supposed to respond to that. Not only is he/she not convinced by the parent/teacher, but also stopped from exercising their critical thinking and reasoning skills.

I was a very argumentative (and still am) person when I was young. I would always question everything teachers (and even parents) said. I got in quite some trouble obviously, but didn’t stop me. I’ve always had a critical mindset. I cannot tell you how agitating it was to receive this kind of treatment when all I was trying to do, was reason.

For example, a child wants to go to the park, but it’s dark outside. Therefore, the parent is against this and doesn’t want him to go outside.
Simulation of the authoritative, “Because I said so,” approach:
Child: “Can I go to the park, mom?”

Mother: “No.”

Child: “Why not?”

Mother: “Because I said so.”

Analysis: Child doesn’t learn anything, is not convinced, and is taught to not critically think things through.

Simulation of the reasoning approach:
Child: “Can I go to the park, mom?”

Mother: “No.”

Child: “Why not?”

Mother: “Because it’s dark outside and there will be no one to keep an eye on you.”

Child: “If you come, won’t you be able to keep on eye on me?”

Mother: “Yes, but I have to get dinner ready. I am very busy right now, and Dad just came home from work so he’s really tired. Besides, there will be no one there right now anyways for the same same reason. Anything can happen in the dark. It’s the time where animals start to come out and ‘bad guys’ start doing ‘bad things’. We’ll go tomorrow if you remind us early, okay? It will be more fun since there will be other kids there and we’ll be able to watch you and make sure you’re safe.”

Child: “Okay, I see.”

Analysis: Notice how the child is convinced (they most probably would be), was able to see and use critical thinking and reasoning skills, and has learned that it is not a good idea to go to the park. There were other reasons too that the mother could have used. On top of that, the child doesn’t experience that annoying feeling where they don’t even know why they can’t/have to do something. Now he understands why.
I think this was the kind of thing Socrates was also trying to get at when he taught all of his students to question everything using the Socratic Method (I’m a big fan of him. Just look at my signature. ;)) He believed that it was important to be able to critically analyze and think things through.

So what do you think?

2

This is actually the challenge we present our children when they ask why they can’t do something. They usually (not always, of course) answer their own question satisfactorily.

I have used the “because I said so” line, but only after giving good reasons but still being pestered.

3

Yeah, that I can understand. But maybe slightly better would be, “I explained to you why not (or why you have to…) and I’m not arguing with you anymore. Now you’re just ineffectively pestering me.” Although there’s no reason you can’t use the “Because I said so,” line in this case because after all, you are their parent.

4

I think that children tend not to say things like this:

It is fine in principle but sometimes you get nowhere trying to explain something to a child. And sometimes we are just being lazy.

5

As Simmerdown points out, usually, “Because I said so,” is not the first explanation.

However, there are times when a child just needs to do what is asked of them *now.[/I. “Get out of the middle of the road!” Why? " Just do it. We can discuss later."]

6

Because I said so is definitely a cliche that should be avoided when possible. It’s much better to say, “Because I know and understand things that you don’t, that’s why.”

There’s a time and a place to have reasonable discussions with children as they are growing up, but if they are throwing a temper tantrum in the checkout aisle because they can’t get a candy bar, they are NOT going to accept any amount of reason, so “because I said so” is a fine response.

7

When you yourself are an adult, at some point you will want to shut a child the fuck up. Because do you know what the next question is after “because I said so?” is? It’s “why” again.

I mean, you shouldn’t say it all the time. But sometimes that’s the answer. The answer is that you can’t do that because I’m the mom and I said so.

8

To me, an adult who said that immediately convinced me that they either didn’t know what they were talking about or were just a bully. It also convinced me that there was no point in obeying their command if I could get away with defying it, because after all, if there was a good reason for it they could just tell it to me; the refusal to do so was evidence that there was no such reason.

9

I think you don’t have kids of your own, nor have you had much experience with kids in general. Not an indictment, just a feeling.

Generally, younger kids will, when they want something, continue to press the issue for as long as the adult allows. Sometimes allowing the conversation to go on fo a while is useful in that you can employ some teachable moments, but trying to use logic on a child (or adult!) who has not developed logical thinking skills is an excercise in futility.

10

There is a time and place for explanations, and a time to do what you’re told. This applies to adults as well as children. If there’s a problem, it’s the wrong technique for the circumstances.

11

I think that you’re largely correct (except that for some kids, the response to your second scenario is going to be a whined rendition of my username, or an “It’s not faaaaaaair!” or some other unpleasantness…but no on ever said parenting was always pleasant.)

This was the one phrase I swore I’d never use with my own kids. Until I had kids.

A) Sometimes the honest explanation is one that is not developmentally appropriate for the child. When my 7 year old wants to wear a mini skirt without tights, telling her that a child molester might be a bit too appreciative of her ass(ets) is just not going to happen. So, “No, that outfit it not appropriate.” “Why?” “Because I said so.” or “Because I’m not comfortable with it.” is probably how it’s going to go.

B) This is best used in moderation. *Most *answers should include explanations or logic, so the kid doesn’t have to ask every single time, he internalizes the thought process and arrives at the answer without asking. That way, when I do resort to “Because I said so,” the kid knows it isn’t because I’m being lazy or authoritarian.

C) I really don’t think you understand the Socratic method, despite your love of it. A Socratic dialogue isn’t a monologue. It would look more like:

Child: “Can I go to the park, mom?”

Mother: “No.”

Child: “Why not?”

Mother: “Because I need to get dinner ready, so I can’t go. Are you allowed to go to the park alone?”

Child: “No.”

Mother: “Why not?”

Child: “…”

Mother: “Have you ever gotten hurt at the park?”

Child: “Oh, yeah! Remember that time I twisted my ankle?”

Mother: “Mmm-hmmm. Then what happened?”

Child: “Dad carried me home and you put ice on it. It hurt really bad.”

Mother: “So?”

Child: “OH! So I can’t go to the park alone, 'cause if I get hurt, no one will be able to carry me home!”

Mother: “Exactly! What else?”

Child: “Well…I dunno…”

Mother: “What did your teacher talk about last week when you practiced lockdown drills at school?”

Child: “Huh? Oh, that sometimes bad guys might want to hurt us and we should stick together to stay safe.”

Mother: “…”

Child: “Oh…so maybe bad guys could be at the park, so I shouldn’t be there alone…”

Mother: “Well, it’s not very likely, but yes, it is possible, I’m afraid. I’d feel better if you weren’t alone. So that’s two reasons not to go to the park alone tonight. Can you think of anything else?”

…and so on.

The point isn’t to lecture, but to give just enough clues and ask leading questions, so the kid thinks for himself.

12

I think you are not a parent…
Also - the times when I am driven to use the 'ol “because I said so” response, are the times when the child is merely being difficult and is not actually interested in hearing my elder wisdom and having a learning experience.

13

This usually does come before “because I said so.” Children can be relentless. Also, the exact words “because I said so” may or may not be the final words from my mouth. We also have discussions about what things are safe or appropriate to do when noone is clamoring to do said thing. It helps them to reason when they’re not hell-bent on getting what they want.

14

What WhyNot said, as usual. WhyNot, I loved your Socratic dialogue. I’m totally bookmarking that for when the Little One gets old enough to have that kind of conversation.

On the other hand, I’ve definitely met parents/caretakers who used “Because I said so” for everything, and I don’t agree with that.

15

It looks like a lot of work written out like that, but really, it’s much easier if you, the parent, are the one always asking “why not?” Sometimes they even come up with better reasons they shouldn’t do something than I had thought of! :smiley:

16

Well I am not. I am only 15. So I am probably not that credible. But nevertheless I decided to post my thoughts about this kind of thing.

WhyNot, that was a good Socratic simulation. Loved it.

17

When I have the opportunity, I am all for increasing my kids’ understanding, critical thinking, and ability to grok why we (dis)allow the things we do.

At the root of it, however, it is my responsibility as a parent to make the best choice considering our whole family at any point in time. And if I am in the midst of cooking dinner, with a migraine, after dealing with a day of endless requests, you betcha the most the kids are going to get is “because I said so”. I will, however, revisit the topic later if I think it’s a good one.

18

We adults have responsibility to the children in our lives, and that means doing a lot of things for them because they can’t do those things themselves yet. And yes, sometimes that does mean thinking logically for them. Like all other things we do for children, this should be phased out as they grow older and become more able to do things for themselves. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t ever do it, any more than the existence of a toilet means we shouldn’t change babies’ diapers.

19

I thought “Because I said so” was to keep children from being murdered by their own parents.

I had wonderful lofty goals, my children would question authority, they would make reasoned decisions and not be stuck in the same rut I was because I was raised to be afraid of authority.

Then I learned that I was authority and constant questioning made me a little stabby. So, as many have said “Because I said so” was not first response but it was the clue to my children that they had pushed their luck and the response after it usually included “Go to your room”

20

You can’t always reason with a four-year-old, because they have not yet learned how to be reasonable.