Things you never dreamed you'd say, then you became a parent

Examples from my life:

“Stop licking the mirror.”

“Why are you humping my laptop?”


“Don’t whip your mother with a dirty diaper! It’s not nice.”

“Don’t put cheese on your crown”

I’m sure I have a million more, but this is the first one that comes to mind.

‘Because I said so’ - I hated getting that from my mother, now I use it :sigh:

‘Don’t wear pj’s in the shower’

‘Don’t give the dog Flaming Hot Cheetos’

I’m loving these!

As for “because I said so,” I tried it on my 6yo a few weeks ago, and she replied, “That doesn’t make any sense!”

My favorite was “Please throw up in my hands!”

In the “crazy things you said quoting your parents” subset, I remember the first time I said “If you’re cold, do a little work and you’ll warm up.”

Kill the children and sell their organs for beer money?

“Did you go poopey?”

Try “Because that’s how I roll.”

I believe I may have said some of these as recently as this morning:

“Please don’t bite Daddy in the boob.”
“No, you can’t have chocolate Easter bunny heads for breakfast.”*
“Your face is gonna freeze like that, you know.”
“Who put this peanut butter sandwich on the laptop?”
“Oh dear GOD, what IS that SMELL?”**

  • = “… because Mommy already ate them all, the day after Easter. Haha sucker.”
    ** = The “What’s That Smell?” is no longer fun when you’re playing it in the house with Mystery Diaper Contents.

“Let me wipe your butt first”

“Hold still and let me pick your nose.”

“Stop molesting the dog.”

Last week my 2-year-old son said “Because is not an answer.”

Don’t shove [peas, pennies, pencils, etc] up your nose.

“Don’t walk on the cat!”

“No, your car may not have a cookie.” (He was trying to get more cookies by telling me that his toy car wanted one. I’m torn between being proud of his ingenuity - he’s only 2! - and thinking that we’re in for it - he’s only 2.)


“…I said STOP looking at your sister. I mean it Dal, stop now.”


I can’t believe I have actually uttered these words, and yet.

Overheard: ‘‘If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to make you play!’’

I know. Me too!

“You do not call your mother ‘woman.’”

From yesterday.

‘No honey, we don’t need a sugar daddy, we need sugar FOR daddy’ (actually this wasn’t me but I overheard it in the grocery store a couple of weeks ago)

Don’t lick the radiator.
Let me sniff your bum.
Let me get that big booger out of your nose.