Parents...what strange phrases have come out of your mouth?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My husband and I took a short weekend trip with our 20 month old son this past weekend to see a returning family member from Afghanistan. My son goes through very, very clingy phases sometimes where he wants no one but me. This includes, but is not limited to, when I go to the bathroom, when I walk across the room, when I get dressed, when I brush my teeth, and anything else that I might do where I escape his line of sight for more than ten seconds.

We stopped overnight on the way to our destination on Friday night. When we got up the next morning, I tried to get in the shower. However, my son stood outside of the bathroom door and screamed for me. Out of respect for others at the hotel, they came into the bathroom and my son watched me take a shower.

As soon as I was done, I stood at the sink while he marched around the bathroom. Now, I had dropped my towel in order to get dressed, and as I bent over to pick up my clothes, my son decided to explore the area and did something that caused me to yell the following:

“BENNETT! Get your finger out of Mommy’s butt!”

Never in a million years would I have imagined myself saying that, but it’s funny the things you DO say once you become a parent.

Anyone else want to share?

2

My youngest and more oppositional child (not her crazy brother) prefers respond to direct commands with a direct delay, “Just a sec” which usually means “Not interested in complying, ask me again later if you really want me to do that.”

One time, when i was really not in the mood to be dismissed by a precoucious 7 year old:

“A, time for your bath.”
“Just a sec, dad!”
“No more secs, get in the tub … alright smartass, just get in the tub.” :smack:

3

“Ok, no one needs to be touching anyone else’ hairy parts back there!”

“I really don’t need to know about you putting your finger up your butt unless you hurt yourself doing it.”

“Do not look at your sister’s baby pictures to see naked vaginas.”

“Yes, I like boobies, too, but you still don’t need to draw them on your homework.”

“The puke bag fairy doesn’t come out this far. Throw that in the fucking trash.”

Should I go on?

4

“IAN, FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP KICKING DADDY’S BALLSY-BALLS!”

To my 5 year old son as I’m trying to take a nap on the couch. He likes to lay with me between my legs at the opposite angle, but ostensibly he has nervous leg syndrome. I swear, I need to wear a cup. No fun waking up to that kind of pain.

5

“Come here! I just want to get your boogies.”

“No. No more choo-choos. It’s nigh-nigh time.”

6

Can I turn the tables here?

Said to me by my then 3 year old daughter in a department store change room:

“Daddy, you’re wearing big girl panties just like me.”

Me, in my manliest, man voice “No, ahurmm, cough cough, that’s men’s underwear.”

7

“Take the batteries out of the damn pig!”

My friend to her nephew after listening to a mechanical pig make its way across the living room for what felt like hours. He was 2 1/2 (I think) and had just learned how to deal with batteries (he’s gonna be an electrical engineer just like Daddy).

8

ETA: OOPS! I knew this was going to happen! My hubby just joined and now the computers often have his account logged in-- I will repost them under mine!!

Darn it. Two days until I screwed up- two days was all I got.

9

Dinner, tonight:

“Stop filling up on your carrots!”

Kids thought that one was very funny.

One I used a lot to my very chatty todler son-

“Mommy’s ears are full and need to drain”

(There we go. All is right in the world)

10

“That’s why some animals eat their young!!!”

11

“No-no. Don’t grab the pussy.”

I dropped the “cat”. :smack: Mouse_Spouse had a ball with that slip-up.

12

Once I caught myself saying “You can’t have an apple until you finish your pizza.” To be fair, it was a veggie pizza!

13

“Whatever you’re doing, cut it out!”

14

“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice!”

“Do that again and I’m selling you back to the circus.”

“Why is the toilet fizzing?”

(early in the morning) “Go comb your teeth and brush your hair.”

15

“Potatoes do NOT go in your hair.”

“Here’s your night-night stick.” (My son has an obsession with sticks from the yard and a white plastic fork and frequently tries to sleep with them. We’ve compromised by giving him some blunt-edged red drum sticks that can’t do much damage.)

“Leave the cat’s butt alone - just because he lies still while you do that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.”

16

Heehee, this reminded me of one – “Please don’t hug the fire hydrant, dogs piss on those.” My son (at age 2) became obsessed with fire hydrants and wanted to hug every one he saw. Especially if it was painted an unusual colour.

17

Me: Hey! Those are MY pop-tarts!
Kid: But I ate all of mine.
Me: But those are MY pop-tarts!

It wasn’t so much the strangeness of the phrase, but my childish reaction. :smiley: Pop-tarts iz gud!

To my cat: Stop eating mama’s bush!
She was nibbling the leaves of an expensive plant.

18

To daughter in the supermarket - “Hon, put that down or daddy’s gonna get twisted”

To son while pitching 12 year old little league - “Throw strikes or I’ll sell your bicycle!”

I said that to get him to relax. He chuckled and then immediately threw better. The funny thing was, with the exception of myself, my son, and his coach - everybody else in the park though I was serious. :eek:

19

I’m not a parent, but I do work at a Catholic school as a second grade TA. A repeated problem is kids getting over enthusiastic during touch football during recess. Two hand touching can quickly become shoving other kids to the ground. One day I heard myself say, “Two hand touch like Jesus would two hand touch!”

20

Not me, but my dad.

Picture it… Thanksgiving; many, many moons ago.

ChiefScott, home on leave, and his 12 siblings, assorted sisters-in-law, a niece or nephew or two gathered at “Casa Llena,” my childhood home for Thanksgiving dinner. The large picnic tables had been brought up from the basement and assembled so that the big table started in the kitchen, flowed through the dining room and foyer and ended in the living room as usual.

Mom always goes all out – centerpieces, candles, miniatures of both for the kids tables, turkey, ham, mashed potatos, etc. That year, laying beside each setting’s silverwear was a miniature, poseable bear who supposedly “represented” the person who was to dine there.
My bear of course was in a sailor’s crackerjacks. MrsChief’s was a female sailor. Mom and Dad’s were in rockers. It was really a quite nice thought and set up which had probably taken my Mom, whose sight isn’t what it used to be, weeks to create.

Well, my siblings and I being what we are, soon there were bears “making love.” One bear was taking another bear from behind. One was dangling from the chandelier. One was dunked in gravy and now stood perched atop a mountain of potatoes.

Things were going well (and as expected) until someone’s bear got the brilliant idea to take a dive into the coleslaw as Dad was serving himself. Unfortunately, the bear sailed the length of the table and landed ON dad’s plate.

Thinking this was a great idea, the other bears joined in. From everywhere. As the last bear ricocheted off Dad’s chest and plopped contendedly into his coffee, Dad roared:

“ENOUGH!!! I can’t believe I sired this trash!!!”

We plan on carving this statement into his headstone.

And maybe a bear or two.