“Please don’t stuff the monkey into the victrola.”
Parent huh? Sounds a lot like what the wife said to me the other night. But that’s another story.
Mark
Papper Mill and I say this all the time – having kids and their toys make you say things you never in your life would’ve said otherwise.
“Take that tiger out of your mouth. And get those elephants out from under the couch. And where’s Saturn?”
“Turn that racket down!!!”
So… got any poop for me?
I was just telling a woman at work how, in 3 short years, her days went from shopping for designer clothes to smelling a baby’s butt for poop before she left for work.
Yeah. That’s “married people” code.
My son went through a long period where he would puke so hard that his stomach would bleed. I’d always need to check it out to make sure medical attention wasn’t needed.
Fast foward to when we first moved in with Mr. K. Kid Kalhoun was puking (again) and I yelled to him to “save it.”
Mr. K was horrified. I’m like, “well, yeah! I gotta check it!” He just shook his head.
“Don’t water the baby, Honey. He’s growing fast enough already.”
(I’m babysitting a 10 week old, who’s lying on the blanket next to me gurgling at the ceiling fan, and WhyBaby (18 months) just came over and sprinkled him with water from her sippy cup.)
“Get Barbie’s leg out of my ear!”
“Honey, I’m very proud of you that you dressed yourself. But you can’t go out wearing your nightgown, swim fins and winter coat. Why not!? Because we are going to your aunt’s wedding and you are the flower girl! And it’s July!”
“Please stop putting your boogers on your brother.”
“No, you cannot play connect the dots with your sister’s chicken pox. Especially with a Sharpie!”
“Who stuck the pizza in the DVD player?”
“Look, I know you like ice cream. Yes, it was nice of you to make me a bowl of ice cream, too. But it’s 3 in the morning. By the way, where did you put the YEEAAAAGGGHHH!!!” (this was when I was getting out of the bed and found she had put the bowl on the floor, right where my foot went)
“Honey, do you think you’re going to throw….YUCH!!!”
“Tell me again why you and your friend thought it would be a good idea to give each other haircuts?”
“Why is dog green?”
“Put down the knife!!!” (my son was 7 and snuck a butcher knife outside and was hacking away in the garden)
“If you are going to climb your sister, please take off your shoes.”
“What do you have in your mouth?”
“Don’t color sissy with your markers.”
“Why is there poop on the wall?”
“Baby, the Bud Light truck has nothing to do with Buzz Lightyear.”-she used to call her B.L. doll Bud Light.
From my husband to our son, then around 4: “Me and Mommy are not interested in your penis!”
Me and Mommy indeed.
“Please take that money out of your butt.”
“Do you know you’re in the kitchen and not the bathroom? You’re peeing in the recycling bin” (My son, age 6, is a sleepwalker.)
“Do NOT put that bug in your mou…what did I just TELL you?!”
“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.” (You had to be there. Sigh :rolleyes: )
“We’ll see.” (I HATED that when I was growing up! )
“Who has to go poo-poo and pee-pee before we leave the house?”
To the two eldest Silverjuniors: “I know you enjoy the “Fart” song but we don’t sing it in the grocery store at top volume.”
“Does your tummy hurt? Do you need to throw up?” This comes right before one of the kids throwing up all over me.
“Okay, enough! You don’t touch your brother, he doesn’t touch you and we’re all happy.”
What comes next: “Mom, he’s LOOKING at me!” :rolleyes:
Followed by, “That’s it! Nobody in this house is allowed to look at another person, EVER!!!” Yeah, parents are so logical.
And STOP breathing her air! Yes, I know, she doesn’t own the air in the house, but so help me if you two do not stop irritating each other on purpose this second, I am sending you to military school on the next train so help me!
“No, you cannot delete your sister’s character (Everquest). I don’t care what she said in group chat; I’ll ground her from the game, but you cannot delete her character.”
“Leave your brother alone. I mean it. It wasn’t funny when he woke up with perfume in his hair.” (Slumber party. Long story.)
“NO! Stop now! Put down the razor. Don’t you DARE shave that dog’s eyebrows!”
“Okay, you can dye your hair neon blue, but I don’t want to hear any crying when it doesn’t match any of your outfits.”
“I’ll turn this car around and we’ll all go home!”—I always thought that one was an exaggeration. Nope.
“You won’t be satisfied until you break your neck!” Ditto.
But my two recent favorites:
*“Get your hands out of the poop!” * and
“Stop poking your sister’s nipples.”
“No, you can’t play Nick.com on my computer. It’s my turn.”
“If you horseplay on the top bunk and one of you falls off, you will have to go to the hospital, either from the fall or from the spanking.” *
And I swore that I would never say to my children “Because I said so”… but after the 435th “But why?”, sometimes it’s the only thing left to say.
(*Disclaimer: My children are 4 and 6. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve swatted them on the butt. They’re also very bright children who understand that their father is prone to smartassery and hyperbole.)
Gotta agree with Roonwit on “because I said so, that’s why!”
- Don’t jump on the furniture.
- No, it’s almost supper time and I don’t want you spoiling you supper.
- Do you want me to turn the car around and we’ll all go back home?
[QUOTE=RoonwitAnd I swore that I would never say to my children “Because I said so”… but after the 435th “But why?”, sometimes it’s the only thing left to say.
[/QUOTE]
I know…you get tired of arguing with them, don’t you? I have a pin that says, “Because I’m the Mommy. That’s why.”
“Stop cleaning your toes with your brother’s toothbrush.”