Things I never imagined I'd say to my children:

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A few weeks back I noticed that we, as parents, sometimes say things to our children that, given a shift in context, sound totally absurd.

Since that time I’ve been aware of those utterances as they’re passing my lips, and can’t supress the giggle that they inevitably give me.

I figure that the MPSIMS forum provides me a good excuse to share those sage words with y’all:

“Take that alligator out of your yogurt this instant!”

“Get that shark out of your mouth, and don’t ever put it in there again!”

“Quit hitting your sister with the elephant!”

“Stop biting your monkey!”

“Put the bus down, right now!”

“Haven’t I told you not to throw cars in the house? Go outside if you want to throw cars.”

“No honey, I told you before that we don’t fly in the house; we only fly outside.”

“Quit playing with the sofa. PUT IT DOWNNNN.”

“Please take that snake out of your nose.”

“I don’t want you to get in my coffee cup anymore.”

“Alright! Who put the dragon in the toilet again?”

In an attempt to get my youngest to eat, I adopted a very stern countenance and tone of voice, and said, “Nummy-num!” (The fact that my SO dissolved into a fit of laughter didn’t help me at all.)

Oh well, so much for dignity. :wink:

–Kalél
(The Original EnigmaOne)
Common ¢ for all ages.

2

where the hell do you live, and how big are your kids???

3

I’d say either the Bronx Zoo, or Neverland.

4

Those are pretty darn funny. In fact, I almost want to have kids just so I can say things like that.

This is in a little different vein but this is my absolute favorite absurd parental saying:

“You will get nothing and like it!”

I can just imagine some kid, with their 6 year old mind, coming to the conclusion, “Hey, you know, I like this. Wow, I honestly LOVE ‘nothing.’ Thank you so much for giving me ‘nothing’!” My boyfriend and I say that to each other alot now because it makes us laugh.

Now, when I was a youngun’ I got nothing and I liked it too!

5

me:
“dont you swallow that gum, or it will stick your bum shut”
“if I have to pull this car over, you two are REALLY gonna get it!”
“because I said so!”
I am gonna count to three…one…two…I am almost at three…I’am really close to three!"
and my favorite…
“leave that gum in your mouth or I will take it!”

6

I am even more sure I do not ever want kids.

7

“If you fall off that (swing, monkeybar, slide, etc.) and break both your legs, don’t come running to me”. - a favourite of my mother’s

“Quit your crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about”. (…um, I’m already crying, Dad).

8

katmandu,

Those are classics!..how many of us heard those as children and now pass them on?

How about this one that me and my siblings used to hear and that I heard come out of my lips a few years back:

(after discovering chair or custom lamps broken, horribly-stained carpet, etc)
“we can never have anything nice with you kids!”

How about this…who ever had to actually go retrieve the switch that your parents were going to beat you with?..did you take the chance on the dry, brittle stick, hoping that it would break after the second stroke, or did you surmise that that would only fuel their anger?

How 'bout this…most repeated line:

“you kids lay down and get to sleep!”

Contestant #3

9

I haven’t had to use too many of the classic lines yet. But, I took my stepson shopping this weekend, for school clothes, and a toy. He found a toy that he wanted (I can’t remember what it was now), and asked if he could get it. It was ridiculously expensive. Before I could stop myself, I heard these words, coming from me…“Son, do I look like I’m made of money?” Could not believe I had said that.

I have a two year old daughter, and she is at that parroty stage, so I have to censor myself. I find myself saying the very same non-curse curses that my own mother (and her mother, and her mother before her) use–sugar jets, fudge, and my personal favorite, baloney fat. Also, “what in the Sam Hill is going on here?” and “Jiminy Christmas!”

10

{{{where the hell do you live, and how big are your kids???}}}—kellibelli

Yeah, I know what you’re talking about.

Well, all of the imperatives are appropriate to the situations that prompted them.

By way of example: The kids have a sofa that is constructed of foam rubber and a cloth covering. It is easily picked up by a 3 year old child, and can be thrown with little effort on her part–it’s just that light. It is, however, heavy enough to do damage to lamps and other fragile goodies around the house–hence the command: “Put the sofa down!” Or, “Don’t you dare throw that sofa at the window!” (That’s where the lamp is located.)

Within the context of the situation, it makes perfect sense. If you were eavsdropping at the window, you’d be tempted to run for cover for fear that a 7 foot sofa might come crashing through the glass in the next instant.

–Kalél
(The Original EnigmaOne)
Common ¢ for all ages.

11

I was at a steakhouse with some friends a few months ago, and there was a child at the table behind us. My friends and I were enjoying our dinners when suddenly we hear this from one of the grandparents, “Get that crayon out of your nose this instant!”

My friends and I laughed the rest of the time we were there.

12

I’ll never forget what my mom said to me once. And the scary part is, it made sense to me at the time.
I wanted to go swimming with a friend of mine (really badly!) and I kept begging and begging. Finally, my mom sighed and said, “Ok. you can go swimming but don’t get wet!”.
So I donned my bathing suit, went to the pool, and swam without getting wet. :slight_smile:

MaryAnn
Sometimes life is so great you just gotta muss up your hair and quack like a duck!

13

At Christmas Eve mass one year the little boy in front of us was fussing and talking real loud all through the sermon. We could tell that the parents were getting really frustrated and finally the dad leans over and fiercely whispered something in the kid’s ear. The kids immediately yells “Why you gonna kill me dad?”. You can imagine the dead silence and then the squelched laughter!

St. Stella

14

I loved that last one!!
gotta share this:
picture this, catholic church, oppressive & silent, preparing for mass, me at 13 or 14, and little bro at 11 or 12, go to church with mom…she wouldnt let us sit to gether…knew better…so she sat in the middle…There is a baby wailing at the front of the church somewhere…andy keeps nudging mom and whispering urgently"mom,MOM!", she sushes him repeatedly, then finally grunts an exasperated “WHAT?”…he replies just loud enough to be heard by those next to us “listen…they’re gonna have a sacrfice!”
mom almost dropped dead right on the spot…she ended up in helpless giggles for the rest of mass, and NEVER took us again.

15

When my cousin was about 7 years old, his parents took him to church services at my grandparents Lutheran church. The minister asked all of the kids to come up to the front of the church and sit down. For some reason, the question he asked each of the children was if anyone in their family had a nickname (I’m sure it was to make some Scripture related point, what what that point was I can’t recall.) Anyways, eventually the minister got to my cousin. The exchange went something like this:

Minister: Does your brother have a nickname?
Answer: No.
Minister: How about your mom?
Answer: No
Minister: What about your dad?
Answer: Well, sometimes my mom calls him “Fatso”.

My poor aunt was mortified.

16

Some things we’ve said to Nicky:

“Don’t put that in your butt!”
“Take that car OUT of your cereal RIGHT NOW!”
“Don’t let Sparky [the dog] do that to your butt” [he was LICKING it! You perv!]
“Get your tongue off of that”

>^,^<
“Cluemobile? You’ve got a pickup…”
OpalCat’s site: http://fathom.org/opalcat
The Teeming Millions Homepage: fathom.org/teemingmillions

17

I have one child who is stubborn, a picky eater, and underweight. During dinner, you often hear me say things like this:

“NO! Don’t eat those green beans! They give you super powers!.. Uh, oh. Now you’ve done it. Now you have superhuman strength!”

“There’s nothing not to like about noodles. Noodles are good food.”

18

[Adamantly] “Take the legos out of your nose!”

[Resolutely] “We do NOT answer the door naked!”

[Aghast]“Why is your brothers skin green?”

[Crossly]“Jelly Beans are NOT nose BB’s!”

[Solemnly stifling a chuckle] “No more slingshotting your underwear at the ceiling fan!”

[Incredulously]“Did you really just throw that twenty out the window?”

[Anxiously] “How many bugs did he eat?”

19

Little Scarlett, having difficulty with some onerous assigned task (whining): “I’m TRYYYYYY-ing!!”

MomScarlett (exasperated): “Yes, you’re VERY trying.”

I didn’t get that one until I was about 23.

20

Line of the month at Casa Flodnak:

“Don’t sit on your brother!”

I haven’t kept track, so I can’t tell you if I say it more often to the one-year-old, or the seven-year-old. It’s damn close to a tie, that’s all I know.