I baked cookies today, and I thought they tasted really good. My three year old ate one, asked for another one, and wandered off down the hall. I didn’t think anything of it until she came back and said, “Go flush it, Mommy.” Sure enough…
So I said, “Don’t put cookies in the toilet, honey!” And this got me thinking back to some other really strange sentences I have uttered over the course of my motherhood, such as, “Stop licking the kitty!” and, “What is Mommy’s mascara wand doing in the toothpaste tube?” and my personal favorite, “Get that dog off that bicycle and come eat your supper!”
So what kind of things have you said that could ONLY be said to children? I mean, if I had to tell an adult to stop licking the kitty, I’d be making a discreet phone call shortly thereafter. What bizarre sentences come out of your mouth under moments of parental stress?
Don’t rub the hotdog on the table.
Stop touching the pasta.
Don’t suck the water off the bottom of the shower, you pee in there!
I don’t want to suck on your toes, get them off my face!
I don’t have spawn, but we’re compiling a list of things you should never ever have to say at work. Thus far these things have had to be said to our preschoolers:
Take the pudding off your head
No howling at lunch
You can keep the cherries/acorns, but put them in your pockets
Why is there lunch meat in your pocket?
Stop! Don’t put used tissues back in the box!
No licking teachers
If you come out of the bathroom you can paint
If you don’t come out from under the easel/ table the bus might leave without you.
Shoes are dirty, don’t put them in your mouth
It’s not funny when someone burps/farts
Monsters are for playground, not the book area
Stop growling or you’ll have a time out
Though my personal mantra, repeated 100 times a morning is " No mouth." to the little one who always has her fingers in her mouth. I almost think she might have gotten it when I was explaining that we don’t put our fingers in our mouth after touching the step stool in the bathroom because…shoes are dirty, of course.
Bring the adding machine down out of the tree.
Even if the caterpillar is just as furry as your teddy bear, he still can’t sleep in your bed.
Green jelly beans do NOT count as a vegetable.
Don’t hang your sister upside-down so soon after supper.
Today there are loads more opportunities for odd sayings…Already I’ve heard myself say, “Keep your wings out of your sisters face” and “Hang on - I’ll peel your face as soon as your brothers fangs are done”
“Ooody-wooooppy, who’s a pwetty widdew girl? Nummma-nummma-nummma, ZWOOOP! Oooh, I got your nose! Abbadabbbadabbbadabbba…Lookit that bewwy, lookit that bewwy! Just a widdew schweeety, yes she IS!”
[sub]Oh, give me a break - she’s only a week old! I figger I’ll be saying all that other stuff soon enough, anyway.[/sub]
Yet another good reason I can add to my list that I plan on giving my mother-in-law next time she asks when she can expect the pitter-patter of little feet. The list has a title of : “Never… because :”
“If you break your little sister, you don’t get a new one!” (I once said this to my own daughters, when they were young)
A conversation I had with my grandson two years ago. He had stuffed a black crayon up his nose. So deeply that a visit to the family practioner resulted in a visit to the ER. They couldn’t get it out, so he had to go to an ENT specialist. They injected liquid cocaine into the nostril, and vacuum extracted that sucker.
After the procedure, I asked my darling grandson if he would ever stick a crayon up his nose again. His reply? “Yup, I sure will!”
“You’re on Crayon restriction, Little Mister!!”
I do hope I haven’t deprived the world of a future Picasso…
