Strange things you've said to your children

This was inspired by Persephone’s thread on kid weirdness.

All us parents have said things to our kids that made perfect sense at the time, but are just bizarre things to say. In fact, my wife and I often catch ourselves and exclaim, “Ten years ago I wouldn’t have said that!” or “eighteen years ago I wouldn’t have said that!” (Our children are nine and seventeen, so do the math)

A modest sampling of things we’ve actually caught ourselves saying:

“Don’t draw on your cracker.”
“She can play with the dishwasher because she’s got oil on her head.”

And honorable mention from my sister-in-law:

“We don’t draw on ducks.”

No, you may not have another prune, look what you made in the toilet already!

“Let your brother out of the dryer right now!”

“Wow, that’s a big one. Better go get a stick to break it up so it’ll flush.”


“Cats are NOT pillows!” My mom said this routinely to my sister and I because we had a black longhair persian/siamese mix growing up and my sister and I treated it like a pillow.We’d grab the cat and lay down on the floor with our head on the kitty’s abdomen.
“Stop giving your brother swirlies.It makes his asthma react.”
“Here’s ten bucks.Now go cross the highway and get a couple of Happy Meals.”:smiley:


Strange things my dad has said to me:

I once walked past my father, who was reading a newspaper, and he said “mm-hmm.”

Obviously, he’s taped into something of the blank void psyche, or he’s too absorbed in that piece of paper to care about even thinking about a proper reply to any sort of question, while he still understands the newspaper.

[Raising Arizona] Take that diaper off your head and put it back on your sister! [/Raising Arizona]

I’ve been keeping a list of things Tanookie and I have said to our daughter and have been meaning to put it on our web page and/or start a thread. :smiley:

Some good ones:

Oh - there is the sheep I’m looking for.
(Me - while picking up all the toys for her farm)

Please don’t lick the stove.
(Tanookie - obvious)

I don’t need any fish in my coffee, thank you very much.
(Me - she was trying to drop goldfish into my coffee)

Don’t kiss it - sing.
(Tanookie - trying to get teach her how to use the microphone for her new tape recorder)

Why are you licking the mirror?
(Tanookie - obvious)

She was a poopy wreck today.
(Tanookie - after many poos in a single day)

Time for a new butt.
(Both of us - standard phrase when requiring a new diaper)

No dancing while brushing your teeth.
(Tanookie - obvious)

No calling Zimbabwe.
(Both of us - standard phrase when taking the phone from her)

I have to add that my grandfather was fond of the “It’ll heal before you get married” response to any minor injury.

I’ve actually said it to my munchkin now too!


“Son, Ernie won’t flush down the toilet, he floats”

“How on earth did picante sauce get splashed up on 10’ ceilings?”

“That towel around your neck is not rated for 2nd story flights”

“I’m tired and don’t feel like going to the emergency room today - get off of the roof NOW”

“The pacifier goes in the other end”

“Even if you make your sister a penis from play doh, she’ll still be a girl”

Spoken to my two eldest daughters: “If you break your little sister, you don’t get a new one!”

To my oldest daughter when she was six: “Why, yes munchkin, oil does burn. Why do you ask?” sniff smells smoke ::runs for the fire extinguisher::

“Your teeth look okay, just try not to bleed on anybody”.

“Please stop pouring milk on the cat.”

My kids and I have a lot of different things that have become stock phrases and in-jokes:
*“That was nice Rachel. So Graceful… like a swan… (pause) in a high wind” *

Just about any statement followed by “or die trying.”

  • "Just eat your dinner! (pause) or die trying!"
    “Put your lego away (pause) or die trying!”*

it works with just about anything. the more remote the likelihood of death actually occuring, the better.

“Do not bite the doorknob. We don’t do that in this family.”
she wasn’t actually trying to bite the doorknob, just using the convex reflection to look at something in her mouth…

In my weirder moments, Rachel is apt to tell me that I am retarded. at which point I will effect a slow-of-mind speech pattern and point out that

“I can poke you in the eye.”

for some reason this has become the pinnacle of our family humour.

when they were really young I would rotate through a number of different character when it came to bedtime: Zombie-dad, Franken-Dad, Count von Dad, WereDad and any number of ethnic stereotype-dads.

ah those were the days.

“I know it’s hot outside, but no, the cat doesn’t need to go in the refrigerator to cool off.”

“Of course chocolate milk comes from brown cows. How do I know? Grandma told me, that’s how I know.”

“I know you’re a dinosaur, but please don’t chew on your dad’s shoes. I’m not real sure where they’ve been. Here, chew on one of mine.”

“Sure, we can drink shampoo. We’re cool like that!”

-my wife, to her dad’s once-SO’s young son

Why don’t the pictures have colour?

“Because there wasn’t any… colour only came about when your mom was a baby”.

I can support this assertion by showing them their mom’s baby pics (in colour) and mine (in B&W).

This is just as shocking to them as having a world without videos or nintendo… because back when we were kids there wasn’t anything like that, we were happy to have dirt because there were kids who’s parents couldn’t even afford dirt.

He ruined my best Tupperware glass.
Mother to my sisters after my brother followed their advice to treat a sore throat by gargling with kerosene

“No son, we’re not playing with nipples today.”

This, from my then-3 year-old daughter to my 1 year-old son:
“That’s not a snack. That’s my head.”

“Please don’t make the kitty bald.” – to my then-8-month-old, who was pulling fistfuls of fur from our elderly cat. Poor kitty.

“Because underwear goes under your pants. I don’t know why, they just do.”-- to my son’s repeated questioning of why did he have to wear underwear.

“You can change your name to Justinia when you’re 18.”-- to my son Justin when he was 6 and “No, I really don’t think EbonyM is a cool first name.” – to my daughter Ebony when she was about 10.

“No, you do not have to be married to make a baby. They make them in test tubes now.”

“Ooooh, I know! Let’s play No Body Talk for 15 minutes.”

“No blow! I’m trying to pee!”

“OK. You sit on Daddy’s head and you sit on Mommy’s head.”

Echo said to our youngest (who was about 2 or 3 at the time)–“Go away, Vamoose”. He was on a ladder changing a light bulb and she was underfoot and under ladder and being a general pain. I asked her to go out in the living room, she ignored me, he told her the above, she went flying out of the kitchen hollering, “You go away, Bad Moose!”. Funny how the little twerps twist things…:smiley: