“Don’t draw on your cracker!” I actually said that to my daughter once.
My sister-in-law once told her daughter, “We don’t draw on ducks.”
What, was she smoking it at the time? 
Crayons do not belong in your diaper.
The telephone is not food.
No, your mommy is not trapped in the tv. (we were watching his parents wedding video)
The cat is not a horse.
Mud only looks like ice cream.
All said to my 3 year old cousin when he visited for 2 days.
“I’m calling the gypsies RIGHT NOW.”
“You can dip that in milk if you like, but not in front of me please.”
“No necromancy while your mother is driving, it makes her nervous.”
“Stop asking to ride in the trunk.”
Nothing we say really compares to the bizarre stuff that comes out of her, though (she’s 6). She’s obsessed with vampires, magic, and death-related stuff. Lately she’s been speaking in mock-Egyptian that she’s learned from watching ‘The Mummy Returns’ several times a week. If the movie has any accuracy at all some of it may be real Egyptian, I’ve heard her say some of the names from the movie (Anuck su-Namen, Imhotep, etc.) so the rest may not be gibberish. I’ve talked about her constant questions about where people go when they die and her belief in zombies on these boards, well lately the way her beliefs are evolving are imitating history - she will sit with a big book open in her lap (doesn’t matter what it says, she can’t really read yet, it’s just got to be big) and say stuff like, honest to God, ‘I call upon the spirit of my Nana - Rise, Rise!’ and then start ‘speaking Egyptian’. Her Nana is a grandmother who died a couple of years ago, BTW. That’s what lead to my telling her not to practice necromancy while Mom’s driving (I think it’s kinda cute but my wife’s a bit more religious/superstitious than me).
“That is NOT FOOD!”
“How did this get in your diaper?”
And for a friend’s [then] five year old:
“[kdeus] is our guest. We don’t want the guards to seize him.”
Any news? 
Said to my two year-old while he and his five year-old brother were sharing a bath last week.
“Son - - if you feel the need to grab onto a penis, grab your own, not somebody else’s.”
I only realized what I said when Mrs. Ivorybill laughed out loud about it.
“Your Mom and I are going out of town for the weekend. You’re 17 almost 18 and we trust you”
“Yes, I’ll co-sign, so that you can get a car to go to work in.”
“Yes, you seem to have changed, come back home and live awhile and save up your money.”
Get the idea of what’s to come?
Sue-
5u><><0r is hacker speak - suxxor
basically means “sucks”
You might as well forget this one–I don’t think there are many (if any) ADULTS who do not find bodily emissions hilarious (unless their spouse does it in bed all night). My biggest problem is getting my daughter to stop ANNOUNCING it to the world at large–this is what I concentrate on rather than trying to convince her that it isn’t funny!
Here’s the most off-the-wall question I’ve ever heard out of any parent (and I’ve said this myself): “Do you want me to spank you?” Of course they don’t–do we REALLY expect an answer, here?
Strangest threats I’ve ever issued: “I’m going to pull off your head and throw it at your dying body.” (This one cracks my kid up–did me, too, when I heard it from my parents.)
“I’ll yank your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.”
“I’ll knock knots on your head faster than you can rub 'em.”
“I’m gonna jerk a knot in your tail!” (ALL of these illicit more laughter than fear, believe me!)
An instruction I had to give my daughter once, “NO, you can’t carry the kitten around in your mouth the way it’s mama does. (pause) Because it’s NASTY, that’s why not!”
My favorite is still, “Don’t hit people with Superman.”
There are others. Many others.
Most of them follow classic patterns, though…"<noun> is not food." “Stop drinking the <liquid noun>.”
“If I have to call the Paremedics to get your arm unstuck from that toilet”
“Don’t bite the cats tail”
“Who put a pan of worms in my oven”
“I don’t care what the dog does, People don’t pee in the front yard”
And from my mother: “If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don’t come running to ME.”
You guys are killing me!
Thanks Sapphy…looks like Cyni is busy waiting for someone to throw him a post party. I could be waiting years!
from my older sister to three kids aged 7 to 11
No pooping downstairs!
As I was on the phone with her, I of course needed to know WTF she was talking about. There are several bathrooms in their house (ok, only four, but that seems excessive)
and apparently, ‘pooping’ is not allowed in the downstairs bathroom as it is located between the kitchen and where they eat. I don’t even want to think about the incident than gave birth to this rule.
Lets see:
At a restraunt: No body wants to know how big your poop was!
[shouting] Stop yelling, we are all in the same room!
The dog is not a horse
My son asked/informed me once: Daddy, why do you always ask me if im going to throw up, when you know we really throw down.
Thats what happens when you put tin foil in your mouth.
-smanx!
janx.
HA!
Reminds me of something my mom used to say when I was crying. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Duh, mom.
Sorry Dopers, but this requires a setup. My brother and I, as kids, were arguing in the living room about the original formula for graham crackers. My brother swore they contained saltpeter, and I didn’t believe him. We were getting pretty heated in this debate, and were getting successively louder until my mom stopped doing the dishes (alas, I had not yet learned the error of my ways) and came in and asked what all the ruckus was. I told her, “Oh, Marty says eating a lot of graham crackers keeps you from being horny.” And my mom, bless her heart, said [sub]WAIT FOR IT![/SUB]
“What do you mean? I don’t eat a lot of graham crackers.”
TRUE STORY.
OH MY GOD! I just had OATMEAL for breakfast and THE DOG WAS GRINNING AT ME!!! :eek:
It continues to happen even after the children have aged.
This too requires a setup: My 70 year old father was having problems with pinched nerves in his neck. He was required to use a neck sling which connected to the ceiling and was countered with weights. He had to attached the sling to his neck and sit in it for half an hour three or four times per day.
Thanksgiving rolls around, and my mother comes to me and asks (in front of the rest of the family): “Your father is hanging himself again. Could you carve the turkey for me?”