My husband used to threaten our girls with no dinner after a particularly mistaken play in softball, or even sometimes just after an out. They knew he was kidding, but he got some serious dirty looks one night from a parent who wasn’t familiar with him.
ChiefScott, I wanna go to *your *house for Thanksgiving! 
When my kids were really young & me trying to explain i didnt have money for whatever-they-wanted:
"mom, why are we so poor?’
“we’re not poor, poor is a state of mind. I am broke.”
“broke?” (confused look)
“yes… I cant afford to fix the crack in your butt either so I guess you’re broke too.”
“Get those worms out of your pants this instant!!” upon finding my then 2 year old daughter in the garden, serenely stuffing earthworms down her brand-new big girl panties. She must have been planning a fishing trip. Poor worms.
Gads, countless others…“Spit the chicken shit out NOW!”, “Stop pinching Mommy’s boob”, etc.
I also wanna hang with ChiefScott and family at Thanksgiving.
IANA parent, but I do have a border collie that might equal a 2 year-old.
One lovely summer day I was outside chatting with the new neighbors when my SO’s voice bellowed “Stop licking my butt!!” from the upstairs bathroom (open window). She wasn’t appreciating the dog’s toilet hygiene assistance; the neighbors looked shocked until I explained it was the dog.
My daughter had created a character on my World Of Warcraft account which pretty much became a fancy kind of digital Barbie doll. Having seen some of the perks of levelling up my own characters she decided to play more seriously but was constantly asking for help. She’s actually a pretty good gamer but I once caught myself saying:
“oh, quit crying and go kill that bear”
Thread is over. Win.
“Spiders go outside, not in our mouths”
And on the flip-side – when talking to my son about his voice being scratchy (he’s 8), he replied to me, “Mom, I can’t help it if my voice is different. Can we please stop talking about my puberties?” Yep, he apparently is having more than one puberty. At age 8. And here I thought it was just a spring cold.
My daughter does the same thing, and likes to sit in my lap sometimes and watch / narrate while I play WoW. This once led me to utter the sentence, “We can go get a snack right after we kill these guys.”
My wife yesterday: “Don’t draw on the dog!”
“Leave it be!” - when I’m channeling my Inner Hillbilly
“You can squash ants inside the house, where they don’t belong, but don’t squash them outside, because that’s where they’re supposed to be.”
(related) “Oh, come on. What did that bug ever do to you?”
“The bathroom is not your guinea pigs’ condo.”
“Gimme Eggy!” - about my 8-year-old’s plush egg-shaped toy
“Go make sure your brother isn’t hurting himself.”
“Was that a good idea?” (then, when any of my sons quaveringly says that it wasn’t), “I agree!”
Steven Wright said his dad once gave him a box of broken glass and his brother a box of Band-Aids, and then said, “OK, now, you boys share!”
My mother’s version is “don’t look at me all saintly and patient!”
SiL to The Nephew, “no, you’re not wearing your diaper outside your jammies.” Later to Bro: “was there some superhero cartoons on TV or something? :dubious:”
The Other Grandma to The Nephew: “you can’t eat your fruit until you’ve eaten your ham.” Mom to TOG: “now that must come from your side of the family, he sure didn’t get it from my son.” Bro: “hey! I like fruit! I’m just picky about it!” (the only fruit he’ll eat is overripe bananas)
Grandma’s version: “my grandchildren shall avenge me!”
Mom’s version: “well, I found you under a bridge anyway. Must’a been a crumbling one, too…”
I don’t have kids of my own, but I do teach Sunday School for 4-8 year olds. Some things that have come out of my mouth over the years:
“You don’t like the table anymore? It was mean to you?”
“You will not go to hell for watching ‘Family Guy’!”
“Well, the Baby Jesus was human so… um, yes. He did fart occasionally.”
“Quit being dead already!”
I look forward to the next couple of generations. I can’t wait to see how gamers’ kids turn out.
A friend of mine plays WoW as a tauren (bull-man, for the non-players), and his toddler apparently thought the game’s point was to “follow cow” - that was her POV from sitting in Daddy’s lap and watching. So he would talk to his daughter about the “cow game” when she would ask about it.
(Now she’s a little older and was watching the first Star Wars film - her reaction was “I didn’t know this was a princess movie!” Oops. At this point they’re buying the Lego SW games, various Hasbro SW toys, etc., etc. And she thinks Darth Maul is cool.)
Ditto. Me to the four-year-old last year: “If you want more salad you have to finish your pizza first.” And it was pepperoni, sausage and onion pizza!
From the 6 year old minister’s daughter " mommy likes to cry in front of the mirror before church".
“Anne Marie! Put that sword down this instant! Or, at least give your brother a shield.” – Back when I was doing SCA.
“Sweetheart, I know you want that, but really… you’ve got a ton of toys already, many just like this one. You’re buying into the Madison Avenue idea of wanting more things than you can possibly use.” – Also said to my daughter. She was 5. Her mother was not amused.
“Reilly, quit pulling my pants down!” – to my youngest just a few weeks ago, when he was pulling my pants down as I was going up the stairs.
“I am NOT gluing toast to my car!”
(While playing with the cats) “I think the idea is that the cats chase the feathers, not that the feathers chase the cats.”
“We don’t play with the cockroach during dinner.” (It was a rubber toy roach, really!)
“No, you can’t have any more guys until the finish the ones whose heads you bit off.”
I know there are others, but those are ones that we blogged in the last year or two.