Congratulations Otto.
And may I suggest you supply more details before someone here organizes a search party?
Mazel tov!
I think?
What was your answer?
Not only do I want to know what your answer was, I want to know how you’re going to get around the “SSM in Wisconsin” and “boyfriend in the country illegally” angles.
Congrats, Otto!
Cut him some slack, people. Look at the timecheck on his post. They are probably still in bed, celebrating the impending nuptuals. 
I didn’t say yes.
I didn’t say no.
He understands that a marriage at this point wouldn’t have any legal force. What he wants is a display of commitment for his and my family and friends.
There’s a lot of good stuff in our relationship. I love him a lot. But there’s a big problem, which is that we don’t share fluency in a common language. This leads to smaller problems, not the least of which is his (and to a lesser extent my) frustration over the extra time it takes for us to get through what would otherwise be fairly simple issues, plus the misunderstandings that inevitably result when you’re dealing with a language barrier. Neither of us is suddenly going to become fluent so this isn’t an issue that’s going to be resolved quickly.
He’s a bit of a drama queen. If things are going sort of well for him then they’re super extra fantastic. If things turn a little sour then it’s the Worst Thing Ever. It’s taken a bit of time but I’ve adapted to this.
What’s sort of annoying about this proposal is that I feel like he’s skipped a step. His lease on his current place is up at the end of May and I was planning on asking him to move in with me then. I don’t feel the need for the sort of public affirmation that he’s looking for and I don’t know if I’m completely ready for it (although if it would secure his immigration status I would marry him, so figure that one out). My fear is that if I try to go the live together but let’s not do the big public thing it’ll upset him and that’s not really a good way to start off living together. He’s much more into the symbology than I am (he’s big on the month anniversaries for example, gave me a big present for four months whereas I’m more into the six month, one year and every year thing, plus valentine’s day, birthdays and like that).
None of this, in reading over it, is very coherent. Sorry.
He wants an answer by May 5. Why he picked that date I have no idea. I’m leaning toward “I won’t ‘marry’ you but I do want us to live together” response.
Good luck anyways!
(Hold out for a big honkin’ diamond!)
Have you not seen Love Actually? If you haven’t:
The english guy learns enough Portugese to travel abroad and propose to the girl of his dreams. And it turns out she learnt some English as well and accepts. Then her father kisses him but thats not the point. If they can make it work you can make it work.
Well, good for you, Otto, for your rational and may I say very logical reaction. We remember how much you liked him from Day One and it’s very mature of you to not jump into something this big without some serious thought. Your issues are definitely not ones that should be taken lightly.
Now, about Oscar—an ultimatum? Really? What did he say would happen after the 5th if you said no? I have to say, that seems very strange on his part and I am curious why he needs to know so quickly. I am about to tread into dangerous waters; I apologize in advance if I say anything that offends you. Let’s just say I am being the devil’s advocate, ok?–
You mentioned just last week or so that he was having some financial troubles due to lack of a job, etc and I really hope that this proposal is not related to that. Is he looking for a life partner or someone to help pay his bills? Does WI have civil unions? What is his reason for the ceremony? And for this May 5 date? I hate to sound suspicious and I am sure his reasons are because he loves you, but it just seems so strange I can’t help but think there is something he’s not telling you. Especially when at this point the ceremony would be, well, only ceremony. Why the big rush all of a sudden?
I know that the language situation is difficult–is there no one who can help you have a real heart-to-heart with him and explain your reasons for being hesitant? How about you write down in English what you want to say and get someone to translate it? I know that is hardly a personal touch but it might be the only real way to truly understand each other. There are lots of folks on the SD who can translate it for you (I’d do it myself but would sound like a 3 year old and that will hardly help you). Maybe if you get over the communcation aspect, you will find even bigger problems that are too much to handle—or you will find that in fact the language is the only real issue and you can both take classes to work on that.
I hope I don’t come off as harsh or patronizing or whatever, but it seems like you already know there are issues so I don’t think I am bringing up what you haven’t thought of already. Good luck with whatever you do. And if you do say yes, then elope. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people.
You wrote –
What’s sort of annoying about this proposal is that I feel like he’s skipped a step. His lease on his current place is up at the end of May and I was planning on asking him to move in with me then. I don’t feel the need for the sort of public affirmation that he’s looking for and I don’t know if I’m completely ready for it (although if it would secure his immigration status I would marry him, so figure that one out).
Gay marriage is not legal now. How is it suppose to help with his immigration status?
My fear is that if I try to go the live together but let’s not do the big public thing it’ll upset him and that’s not really a good way to start off living together. He’s much more into the symbology than I am (he’s big on the month anniversaries for example, gave me a big present for four months whereas I’m more into the six month, one year and every year thing, plus valentine’s day, birthdays and like that).
**How long have you guys been together? By what you wrote, it sounds like you don’t want to get married right away. So follow what you feel. Don’t do something you’re uncomfortable with, just to “keep him.”
It’s not a good way to start a marriage.**
I said if it would help him with his immigration status I would marry him. The first legal SSM will be taking place in Massachusetts in less than a month. There are over 3,000 legal SSMs in Oregon right now. Unfortunately they will not be recognized for the purpose of immigration or any other federal issue so taking a trip to Massachusetts won’t help.
We’ve been together for just over four months. I think come the end of May (which would make 5.5 months) we’ll be in a good place to live together but the whole public commitment party thing gives me pause. I haven’t clarified with him whether he wants a commitment ceremony which is something I am gunshy about because of a bad previous LTR.
I don’t think the May 5 date has any particular significance.
Cinco de Mayo? Hell, it’s why I picked it for my wedding date. Those Conce De Mayo beer commercials the week before really come in handy when you’ve forgotten your Anniversary. 