I congratulate you, sir, on the wonderful turning of a phrase. Very amusing.
I reckon I could take out about a dozen or so little anklebiters. A kick or punch to the chest of your average 5 year old is going to knock the wind out of them at least and break a few ribs if’n your lucky. Breaking legs also wouldn’t be that difficult, no more so than a tree limb. Any 5 year old, bloodthirsty or not, with a few broken ribs and a broken leg just isn’t gonna be able to hurt me. Less then 6, I may not break a sweat, more than 30 and they could work together to get me on the ground, where I could be choked out before freeing myself again. I’m comfortable saying 12-24 bloodthirsty 5yr old could feel the wrath of Madd Maxx and regret the day they agreed to start sh*t with me. Even if it was for all the Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
Geez, what kind of sick monster puts a kid that young on steroids? Did you notice the oversized cranium and receding hairline?
This is so weird. Just last weekend, I had a discussion with my best friend about the odds of overcoming a horde of zombie toddlers. Zombies, of course, are utterly mindless and can’t work together, though, so it would probably be harder to take out the 5-year-olds.
On average, a five year old is less than two feet shorter than me. If they got a hold of my hair, they could probably take me down pretty fast. But then, they would be distracted by my soft, pillowy dimensions, and we’d all take a nap.
So I could take down the whole room just by taking a dive. 
I think some people are underestimating their knees as a vulnerable point. Since these little mind controlled kindergarteners set on “Patti Hearst” have some training, they could have coordinated attacks. Even though I probably weigh as much a 7 of them and can one-punch anyone I connect with, while I’m in the middle of swinging a body around there’s a good chance I’ll have most of my weight on one leg at some point. They may not be able to do much damage with a kick, but 45-50 lbs coming in fast & low, under my swing, and hurling itself into the side of my knee at full force could cause a some damage. Hitting the back of the knee might not do as much damage, but could take me down, where I lose a lot of my advantage. If you go down in the crowd you could be in real trouble. Knees to the head, kick to the throat, etc.
And maybe I shouldn’t say this, but the standard protective cup has a weakness if struck kind of upward & from behind, where the cup tapers to the point. On one knee you could be susceptible to a hard kick from behind. And if that happens and the guys wind up outside the cup, a blow to the front could be excruciating too.
With some room to maneuver, you can minimize the dangers. But with hundreds of bodies in an area the size of a BB court, you almost can’t avoid a well-timed coordinated attack. One of them is going to come in from behind or low from out of the second rank and cause a problem.
Plus, with all the extra bodies you create a tripping hazard.
And if they swarm and surround you, you may not have enough room to swing a body. The press from the outside of the mass might keep the ones closest to you from falling the way you want. So there are likely practical limits that don’t involve simple endurance. Some degree of movement seems critical.
I think over 30 could start to be really difficult. Over 50 gives them way too much chance for the lucky shot. Not that I’ve ever really thought about this or anything.
“Free Hat!”
This appears to be how most people figure you’ll eventually get beat, short of pure exhaustion. I don’t think, though, that falling down and getting jumped on is the game-over scenario many seem to think it is. Basically, if there are enough kids on top of you to keep you from getting back up, than it’s too crowded for them to launch any dangerous attacks: they’ll wind up stomping on other kids. At the bottom of the pile, you could use your God-like (relatively speaking) upper-body strength to break necks, gouge eyes, and so forth (while dodging your head around and kicking your legs to thwart eye-gougers and cup-grabbers) until something opens up and you can get back on your feet.
True, but it works both ways. The mass of bodies would further limit the number of kids that could attack you at once, and would prevent coordinated momentum attacks (i.e., “everyone charge at his knees at once”), which seems like one of the few dangerous tactics at their disposal.
Also note that the number of kids who can attack at once is, to begin with, pretty small – more than five or six seems unlikely. I really think 150+ is doable.
Yeah, I did this on another board and thought the same. A few kids run at you at once, one on each leg grabbing hard and you’re going down to be kicked in the head. Ouch.
You assume the biggest and strongest is a she? Or were you bullied as a five year old?
I for one, was builed by a girl in middle school. My friends hypothesis is that she had a crush on me. Oh, and in answer to the question, 200. 250 if I wear my hobnailed boots.
I don’t know how many, but I think I’d try brains over brawn. Start telling them that I killed the Easter Bunny, and that Santa Claus hated them.
This question is making it’s rounds on message boards. Probably because it’s just so facinating.
I say probably no more than 20-25. It wouldn’t take more than 16 kids to keep me down (4 to a limb) and if they used thier teeth I’d probably be dead inside an hour. 5 year olds will be able to bite through skin I’m sure.
I think people are over estimating their knuckles. 10 minutes on a punching bag and I’m nearly bleeding (no gloves). Kids heads are going to be much harder. Even if you start smashing skulls you’re going to not be able to keep it up too long.
Swinging a kid probably won’t work either. You wouldn’t be able to “sweep” low enough for those kids that are going for your legs without hurting your back or slowing down.
You underestimat yourself, badmana. After all, you’re a bad mamajama.
And do you pland to just stand still at the time?
Grab neck. Twist. Repeat. Throw a few for variety. Also, football practice might come in handy. Remeber, it’s either the cabbage patch kids or you.
I assume the biggest and strongest is a she – and if you look at a typical kindergarten class, you’ll probably agree.
Here’s my worst case scenario. One kid grabs each leg. Having had 5-year old leg grabbers, I know my lower-body strength is no match for their darling dead weight. Those two bring me down.
Since I am now lying face down, that doesn’t give me much opportunity to use my upper-body strength advantage, particularly when kid #3 sits on my back and starts whacking the back of my head. Kid #4 moves in and starts kicking me in the head until a lucky shot connects with my temple and I’m out.
Game, set and match.
So you are unable to grab the kid on your chest and use it to batter away the others? You need to work out. Try grabbing a kid and lift it above your head multiple times each day, until it is fully grown (obsquir refernce alert.)
Yeah, I used to say to my dad that a bunch of kids could take him (when we four still couldn’t), but he’d point out that once you punch one kid real hard, he’s not coming back. This is the real life example, not the OP.
Additionally, everyone’s vastly over-inflating the speed, perception and danger-sense of these rugrats. From rough-housing around with my son (just turned six) I know for a fact that he is utterly defenceless against any hit or grab that I initiate. He cannot tell whether he is within reach or react in time to anything I do. (Obviously I go extremely easy on him, and he’s the one who’s constantly saying “Let’s play ‘rough game’!”, before you mistake me for a child abuser.) If I actually tried to punch him in the face, he would be a sitting duck.
Hence: nipper within arms’s reach = helpless target. Nipper out of arm’s reach = no threat.
Also, I don’t need to exert much more than a gentle fingertip push to knock the average five-year-old to the floor. My son FWIW is very large and strong for his age, based on a quick look at his classmates. (No, I don’t routinely push him over, either.)
kunilou, the point of your elbow applied forcefully to the head of a leg-grabber will send him or her away in tears. Stop thinking so negatively.
Now if you want to frame the set-up as: “How many fearless five-year-olds with the proportionate strength and speed of a mongoose and telepathic coordination in their brilliantly-conceived pack attacks could you take down?”, matters get harder; but I didn’t understand that to be the question.
I imagine it would look something like Neo fighting 100 Agent Smiths on the basketball court.
WA-POW!!! WA-POW!!! You like some of that bitch!? WA-PA-POW!!!
How many are there at once? Does a dispenser drop another one into the pit every 5 seconds or are we just tossed into a sea of children? It matters.
Most people have never been in a fight. Fewer have been in a fight where their life is at stake. Everyone plans to go into a fight with a plan but after the first punch your plan is pretty much fucked. I think a lot of the estimates are far too optimistic. I think eight would be extremely difficult and possibly fewer if they could coordinate themselves. Too much to ask of a five year old? No more than fighting to the death I suppose so the same suspension of disbelief applies.
This would be so much easier with a pitchfork.
Well, I meant after being taken “down”. At 50 lbs each it won’t take too many kids to keep you down (unless you can lift 200 lbs, I can’t).
And twisting necks is a movie fantasy. Unless you securely hold onto a kid and twist hard all the way around (not possible really) you won’t do much except move the neck the way it’s designed to move. After after spending that kind of time taking one out, the other 24 would have a chance at tripping you/climbing on you.
You must deal with some larger 5-year olds then I am used to.
I honestly believe I could drop 25-30 of them in a basketball court sized room. I would just be like a bucking bronco. I would come rushing at them with no pity, no remorse, no fear. And I absolutely would not stop. EVER. until every kid is put to sleep.