“Warm hearted and sensitive”? Jesus. :rolleyes:
ETA to add the obvious: Warm hearted and sensitive people don’t steal their mothers blind.
I was a spoiled kid.
What you’re talking about goes beyond spoiled. It really does.
Yes, you wouldn’t want to cause him any trauma, since we all know he has never caused you any :rolleyes:
Did you “see” him stealing from you?
Get his into your head: HE IS 19 YEARS OLD. HE IS AN ADULT. YOU ARE NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM. YOUR JOB IS DONE.
I would kick him out, lock the doors, and don’t let him back without full payment in cash for all the money he stole from you, a sincere apology for what he did and a sincere kiss of your ass for not putting his sorry ass in jail.
I want to know why you paid to buy you ex-FIL. I have a hunch your apple of a son didn’t fall far from the tree of his father.
I’m seconding these opinions, here.
My two cents- number one, kids don’t change that drastically without good reason, usually substance abuse or some kind of trauma. I don’t think a Nintendo Wii, even a gaming addiction, would result in his stealing THOUSANDS of dollars, and not giving you the respect you (as his parent) deserve after you find out.
I can’t imagine how it feels to have your son turn on you and your attempts at his upbringing so dramatically- but the power is yours right now. It’s your move. If you don’t assert yourself then you won’t have anyone to blame but yourself when your son carries on!
edit the last paragraph was number two 
Also: you should really probe deeper into the cause of your son’s sudden change. You’d be surprised at the things a 19-year old can keep hidden.
Foxy, you need guidance beyond what any of us can offer. In this situation, anecdotal evidence is the worst, none of us know you or your son. It may very well be that the “tough love” advice offered in the majority is correct. Frankly, I hope it is, because then all your dealing with is a late adolescent asshole syndrome, and that can be cured with a swift kick in the butt.
If you can afford to hire a professional for a psychiatric evaluation, you should. Be sure that you are not dealing with some psychiatric breakdown. Odds are, from what little I know, you are not dealing with schizophrenia, but you have listed a couple of very typical symptoms: late adolescence/early adulthood, and atypical behavior drasticly at odds with earlier behavior. Admittedly, this also fits being a jerk. But you need to be sure.
I strongly agree with this. He sounds like a narcissist, and I have no idea what the “treatment plan” for that is - but for this change to come on so suddenly is bizarre. Was he able to meet work obligations while in high school? Do you have a history of bending over backwards to provide him with more things than you can actually afford?
Amen. It’s sociopathic is what it is. It’s really incredibly abusive to Foxy40. Having him arrested and throwing all his shit out on the lawn would not be an overreaction, though she won’t do it, and that’s her choice. She should know, though, that her son’s behavior is beyond just what a spoiled kid would do. It’s what a person lacking in a moral center would do. It is unlikely that it’s the only immoral thing he’d do.
Foxy40, you have been abused most grievously by your son. I hope you won’t continue to tolerate it. It doesn’t make you a bad or uncompassionate mother to allow your son to suffer the consequences of his behavior. To the contrary, it’s your job as his mother to help him learn (albeit later in life than he should) that stealing, esp. from people who love you and are totally supporting your ungrateful ass, is wrong.
Follow Jodi’s advice. It’s dead on.
I know there is a anti-military feeling here at the dope, but have you considered trying to convince him to enlist? It sounds to me like he could use the discipline and he can’t say that he has no where to go.
Given the state of affairs in the ME, send him to the USAF or USN. If he’s a smart kid he can get a desk job like I did and stay out of the desert.
Like Rick said, my advice is worth what you paid for it ($0.00), but it’s something to consider.
I am not sure what advice to give (although Jodi’s sounded pretty good to me), but I will say this…just because you know you would never call law enforcement on him, it doesn’t mean he needs to know that!
I don’t know about you, but I know my parents just about as well as they know me. I can tell when they are bluffing. Bluffing your kids doesn’t work.
I admit, it would be tough to convince the kid that this time you mean it! But I don’t think it would hurt to just mention that this is an option.
That was your first mistake. You should not have covered his ass
Why did he lose those jobs? Was everyone picking on him, or was he suspected of drugs and/or stealing? Have you called any of his ex-employers?
What your son is saying is "I have to place to go that’s better than living in a place where I don’t have to work and can steal without facing the consquences and where mummy will cover my ass.
No, he is not a pod person. He is your son. Don’t try to make it like it’s not his behavior. This is your son, and the vote is he is being a pathological, abusive theif. Whenever I see people being abused by their family, I always wonder "Why would you let someone who is suppose to love you treat you worst than a total stranger would. If a total stranger was doing this to you, what would you do to them? Yet you have taken care of this person for 19 years and look at how miserably he is treating you. He has even got you convinced that his actions are your fault (I spoiled him). Do you know how bad that sounds? HE is the one who did this. He chose to do it.
Different father.
I paid for the expenses of my ex FIL because my (ex) husband put the money he got from the house down on a foreclosure and is fixing it up to live in or sell if we get back together. He didn’t have the money liquid to pay for it himself.
My son didn’t really have a “turn around”. I didn’t expect him to work during high school. He was a captain in band and got good grades. I paid for his social life, gave him a car and paid for the insurance and the gas.
When he left high school I explained that the gravy train was over and he now needs to get a job and pay for his own things including his car expenses. What essentially happened is he soon figured he couldn’t pay for the life I had allowed him to become accustomed on his own. Hence the credit cards and checks. He had a 4.0 as a freshman last year which is also why I don’t fear drugs or mental illness. He is SPOILED and thinks he is ENTITLED to whatever his mother has because I essentially raised him that way. I honestly think he is surprised at how upset I am about all of this.
He doesn’t fucking get it at all! (This is the pit…right?)
What is Taco Bell putting into their food that caused your son to become addicted to it?
Or is it just cheap and he’s able to get to it without expending too much effoirt?
Just an FYI- I know plenty of people at my university that are heavily into drugs that get good grades. Plus, if your son is intelligent, it’s not too hard to pass 101 classes with flying colors and not much work no his behalf.
But yeah, I know people who smoke tons of weed so their Humanities papers will be more open and insightful. I know people who do coke so they can stay awake, cramming for their physics finals. Most common though, I know of tons of people who abuse diet pills so they can stay awake studying every night. Drugs don’t necessarily mean that he’d fail out of school, particularly as a freshman.
BTW- most of the people I know doing actual hard drugs are the ones that are the most spoiled, entitled brats. They use Mommy and Daddy’s money to buy their coke, but Mommy and Daddy stay willfully ignorant because Jr is getting a 4.0 and how could someone with a 4.0 be into drugs?
Well, all that is well and good; in fact, it’s a great step forward to to come to terms, lucidly, with what the situation is.
The question now is… what are you gonna do about it? no snark intended
So your ex gets an investment property (something a lot of people don’t have and that nobody needs) and you pay for burying his parent (something that has to be done and that is the child’s obligation to the parent). Is he going to reimburse you for the funeral expenses out of the sale?
Even if you are independently weathly, you should not feel obligated to pay the expense of another adult. You are being severely abused by these so-calloed men in your life who are totally taking advantage of you. Tell your ex and your son: I have money. It’s mine. Nobody gave it to me. I earned it. I suggest you do the same.
Do you realize how bad that decision was?
Foxy40, you’ve stated that he’s spoiled and it’s your fault. I can’t imagine how you could not notice a kid with no job bringing home thousands of dollars in merchandise.
In what dreamworld do you think you’ll be able to stick up for yourself all day, every day, to keep this kid on track if he stays with you? And if you can’t do that, then what makes you imagine he’s going to change anything about his behavior?
In other words, kick him out for his own good. He has a place to go, it’s not like he’ll be forced to starve on the streets. If he doesn’t grow up soon, he’s liable to end up in real trouble down the road.
And by ‘kick him out’, I mean take anything that you can sell (since you paid for it, it’s yours, not his), pack the rest and put it on the porch, change all of your locks and get a security system. Tell him to go to his dad’s or you’ll call the cops (assuming his dad is still willing to take him with these new developments). No warning, no discussion, no nothing.
I heartily agree with the suggestions of getting him drug tested and evaluated for mental issues, but I think quite possibly his Dad would have a better chance of making him stick to rehab or therapy if that was needed (based on what you’ve said).
I went to school with a guy who had parents that couldn’t “cause him the trauma” of accepting consequences to his behavior. They put up with his stealing and obnoxiousness. They got him off by various means when he got in trouble with other people. His bad behavior and sense of entitlement increased steadily the entire time I knew him (all through high school).
The cops shot him a couple of years later, when he refused to halt while being chased after stealing firearms (and other items) from a neighbor.
Just something to think about.