I'm so pissed at my son. Tough love is hard.

The BBQ Pit
1

It’s a long back story, but basically my son has been screwing up royally for a long time now. He got out of jail the end of June (they had revoked his probation) and finally got a job about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I kicked him out last October, and gave him a used truck to drive. I kept his truck for him while he was doing time, and gave it back to him when he got out. It doesn’t run anymore.

I have given him $5 or $10 here and there, and I have given him groceries, but that’s it.

So we’re in Houston. As you know, we had a hurricane scare last week. My husband and I already had plans to go to Denver. My dad decided he was staying. My son and his roommates decided they were evacuating. To Laredo! 340 miles away. I told Pete he should stay put, it wasn’t going to be that bad. Did I mention that they are all broke, dope-smoking idiots? You don’t take off that far without a plan, and some money. Plus, they left when the TV was saying it was veering off. Plus, they live on the west side of Houston, in Katy. Plus, it was a 3rd floor apartment and likely wouldn’t flood.

Apparently my son is brain damaged.

He called me Friday night, and asked if I would wire him some money so he “wouldn’t have to bum off David for food.” He didn’t say “so they could get home.” I, being a foolish mom, sent him $50 (which cost $15!)

I got a call today, and he sounded high or drunk, saying they were in Mexico and “they got robbed by the police.” Now they are stuck in Mexico, and expect me to send them money! They’ll pay me back, of course. Yeah right. I asked why didn’t they call somebody else’s mom, and Pete said that David’s mom told them to piss up a rope.

I did NOT send any money. And I won’t. I have bailed him out too many times as it is. He’s 21, for God’s sake. He needs to get his head out of his ass and grow up.

But I still feel guilty. :frowning:

2

You did right. Sounds like he’s used to having consequences ameliorated by giving relatives. Time to break the cycle and force him to face the consequences full-on.

3

That sounds really sucky. I’m not a parent, but what I’ve seen of parents is that they would give just about anything to help their kids. The tough love perspective is that you ARE helping him by not bailing him out any more. You should only feel guilty if you keep on bailing him out and he never grows up completely and learns to look after himself. Keep on telling yourself that until you believe it.

4

You’re doing the right thing. If you treat him like he can solve his own problems, maybe he’ll start solving them. It worked with my daughter, but damn me, I didn’t start until she was in her 30’s. You’re doing great. :slight_smile:

5

Wow, are you sure his name isn’t Colin and he lives in Ohio?

He sounds JUST like my BIL. Scary how immature and irresponsible some people can be. You try and try to help them and give them advice, you spend all your money to bail them out of the next mess, and what do they do? They screw up their lives even more and aren’t even appreciative of the things you do for them.

This, among many other reasons, is why my husband and I have cut off all contact with his brother for a very long time. His mom seems to be wisening up as well, she kicked him out of the house (he’s 22 BTW) and is getting ready to kick out her 20 year old daughter for much of the same reasons (just add that she’s once again seeing her ex-convict, abusive, drug-dealing boyfriend).

Life is grand isn’t it?

6

You’re a good mother, Delores Reborn, and you’re helping your son a lot more by letting him learn this lesson this way. Keep on keeping on.

7

I wish more people had the guts to let their kids suffer the consequences of their actions.

My cousin is a worthless bum, a drugged-out loser. His mother bailed him out every time he got in trouble, paying his fines or legal fees, bailing him out of jail, buying him another car after he trashed his first one, allowing him to dump his baby on her to raise, etc. He was abusive both physically and verbally to her. He stole from her-- so much so, in fact, that her business went bankrupt. She killed herself shortly after that.

Now he’s hounding the rest of the family for money, and a place to live. My grandmother, against my strenous objections, gave him a couple of handouts. I told her, that like a stray cat, feed him once and you’ll never get rid of him. I was right.

A co-worker’s son started going down the same path. I urged her to cut him off and she did, though it pained her enormously. About a year later, he started cleaning up his act. It’s been three years now, and he’s back to being a productive member of society.

You’re doing the right thing. Stay strong. When your son calls, tell him that you love him, but you just can’t help him hurt himself. If you’ve raised him well, given him a firm ethical foundation, he’ll come back to it eventually. It may be a long, painful road, but one day he’ll wake up and see that his life is headed nowhere.

8

Just keep telling yourself you’re doing the right thing by not giving in to him.

Don’t send him any more money or food.

He’ll likely end up in jail again. When he does, DON’T bail him out. DON’T call or visit him. Let him rot for a while.

9

I agree with all the other things already posted except this… Don’t avoid calling him. If and when you do talk to him, tell him you love him and hope he straightens up his life, but Don’t bail him out and Do let him suffer the full consequences of his actions and get out of it himself.
Dolores, you’re doing the best thing you can for him by staying strong and NOT helping him. Good Luck and let us know how it turns out.

10

By not calling him, she’ll send a powerful message that mommy is fed up with his stupid behavior, IMHO.

11

Yikes!

I’m all for tough love but Out of the country is not a very good place for a trouble finder to get in trouble.

Tough call but I think I would get him out of Mexico before throwing down the gauntlet.

12

Same here. Mexican police are not our idea of Officer Friendly, especially when it comes to foreign troublemakers. Nor should they be, but it would be a lousy, lousy place to end up in jail.

Though given this guy’s rampant irresponsiblity, he might not use any money he was sent to actually get back into the states anyway.

He might have to learn the hardest way possible since nothing else has sunk in yet.

Best of luck to you, no matter what, Dolores.

13

Dolores,whether you realize it or not, you are in crisis because of your sons’ lifestyle. If you haven’t already, I strongly encourage you to contact the Houston Chapter of TOUGH LOVE AMERICA.
My wife & I are coordinators of the Milwaukee Chapter. I’d be happy to answer any questions about the program. Feel free to Email me. Or you can call the Houston area coordinator,Bob Rivesman at (281)532-1726. You will receive the knowledgeable support & guidance you desperately need. The program works! I wish you Godspeed.

14

Thanks for all the encouragement. It definitely helps me to stay strong. He’s on the border of Mexico, so I think getting back to the US is not so much a problem. I think he was just trying to guilt me into sending more money. And if he gets busted there it’s just too fucking bad. I told him not to go. I sent him a little money to help him get back, or eat, or whatever. He chose the whatever and deserves the consequences. He lies so much that I can’t believe what he says, then acts all hurt when I don’t believe him! I’m tired of it.

But the mom in me is hurting.

15

Um, I wouldn’t assume this.

Hey, I’m all for tough-love. But I agree with John F… do what you can to get him back to the States. And then give him the full tough-love treatment.

16

I don’t know the truth of the situation. They were staying with friends in Laredo, NOT Nuevo Laredo. I don’t know for a fact they are in Mexico. Did I mention he lies a lot? And one of the roommates is a 34 year old woman, Keisha, who used to be with Pete, and is now with David. Too weird. Not that that has anything to do with anything, but she has family she can call, too. Why should it be up to me to save all their dumb asses? And how do I know they will use the money to get home, if I did? One of the guilt trips he tried to lay on me is “I guess you don’t care if I lose my job.” And I could hear them in the background saying that the $50 I sent was barely a tank of gas, the ungrateful little shits. Even though Pete only asked for food money. More manipulation, if what he really needed was gas money for all of them. David has a job, I think, he can call his boss for an advance.

They made their beds. I feel bad, and I certainly don’t want any of them to go to jail in Mexico, but I don’t have to be their savior. I have spent thousands on that boy, and he gets pissed that I ONLY sent $50??? And then they STAY THERE? If they had tried to come home on it, and got stranded closer to Houston, I might be acting differently. But they made their choice.

Fuck.

17

Well, if he is lying, and just money hunting, then you do well not to waste your efforts. However, if he is in Mexico and needs to be gotten out, I wonder if there is such a thing there as we have here - non-refundable, non-transferable plane or bus tickets? That way, you know you’re getting him out of there and then you can cut him off.

I’m sorry you have to go through this.

18

This is definitely a bad situation.

The only thing I can add to the discussion - take it for what it’s worth - is, if you decide to spend some money to get him out of Mexico, make sure that he and his friends never have any access to the money. That is, don’t send him money for bail/lawyers/fines/whatever. Pay it directly to wherever it is supposed to go. If he won’t accept this, give nothing.

I am not advising to spend the money. Frankly, it is possible that he is stringing you along just to get you to open your wallet. But if he can’t be trusted with money, then, well, he can’t be trusted with money.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Regards,
Shodan

19

If everyone involved is an adult (and it sounds like they are), you have no obligation to get them out of Mexico or feed them or send them gas money or anything. They got themselves in, they can get themselves out. Even out of Mexico.

I don’t know anything about the Mexican/U.S. border, but I do know that you can’t get in to the U.S. from Canada with a criminal record. It sounds like he might be scaring you with the Mexico story because he knows you don’t want to see him in a Mexican jail.

When he says crap like, “I guess you don’t care if I lose my job,” I would suggest you answer him with something like, “Of course I care if you lose your job, but it isn’t my responsibility to keep you in a job - it’s yours.”

20

I don’t see what the big deal is about leaving his butt in Mexico. He didn’t say he was in jail. He’s not rotting in a prison cell. He’s in Mexico. He can walk across the border if he wants. Sending him more money so he & his friends can party is ridiculous.

Dolores, he’s a grown man & you’ve done your best for him. It’s time to let him do for himself. I know you feel guilty for not helping, but you know it’s not really helping, it’s enabling. He got himself down there, let him get himself home.