How about he contacts the local U.S. Consulate? If they’re anything like the U.K. Consulates, they’ll repatriate him and then give him the bill.
And he could always start walking.
Don’t. You did exactly the right thing.
Dolores, you’re doing the right thing. I have a coworker whose son is my age (27), who lives at home and is completely babied by his parents. And my coworker often wonders why he isn’t as responsible as I am. Um, because my parents wouldn’t let me stay at home, rent-free, cooking me meals and doing my laundry for me when I was a grown adult? I’m grateful to my parents for treating me like an adult and forcing me to make adult decisions, and we have a great relationship. Your son will feel the same way someday, too.
Of course, if he calls again and sounds desperate, I’d send him enough money to take Greyhound from Laredo to Houston. After that, forget it, if he can figure out how to get to Mexico, he can figure out how to get back.
Actually, it should be possible to book a ticket on Greyhound in his name. Do see if you can get a non-refundable, non-transferable one.
I know it hurts, but hang in there, lady. You’ve got a whole bunch of Dopers backing you up, including me.
CJ
My guess is that he’d sneer at the ticket and still not come back. What he wants is the CASH. Period. Accepting a ticket would mean admitting that he has abdicated from control of his own life, and I’m guessing he wouldn’t do that. Plus, of course, he may not actually want to come home.
Having dealt with what I think might be similar people in the past, I think you might be right… unfortunately.
Having read all the posts in this thread Icame to the conclusion that I must be from another planet.
I will give you a small insight to where I am comming from. My family migrated when I was 12 yrs old (I am 46 now), and my father found the new way of life extremely difficult to adapt to, (he was a dominant male and his word was law) that lead to a lot of problems between myself and my father with a lot of abuse physicaly and verbaly, I guess my rebelious personality didnt help much. I ran away from home when I was 15, and my mother (the most gentle lovable being in the world) came looking for me. She found me in the gutter living amongst prostitutes and drug dealers and with her love she enticed me back home, by this stage I was extremely angry and dangerous and if my mother had been anything but loving she wouldnt have suceeded.
Years have gone by and those lessons are eched into my soul. I am a father to 4 wonderfull children ranging in age from 11-24 and they are all living at home and studing various degrees at university. I realized at an early age that all anyone of us really wants is to feel loved,not to be told…but to really really feel it in their core.
The answer to your problem Dolores is within your self, if you were a frustratted, confused, angry 21 year old how would you like your MUM to treat you?
No, I think you’re just not reading Dolores’s posts objectively. And perhaps you didn’t read the thread she linked in the OP, either.
What I get from your post is that you had a conflict with your dad. If you screwed up, presumably it was by his standards, not that you’d been in trouble with the law, much less been to prison. It doesn’t sound like you were a ne’er-do-well, just that your family was highly dysfunctional.
But that’s not the case here. Dolores’s son is 21, not 15. He’s an ex-con. He didn’t run away; he just took off, nominally to get out of the path of the hurricane, but in any event, it sounds like he went to Mexico because he and/or his pals felt like going to Mexico. He’s been given chances and money and repeatedly squandered both. He’s a habitual liar. He has a history of drug use. That doesn’t sound like your story.
I think the question really is, if you were an adult who’d given your adult child numerous chances, opportunities and loans, how would you want your child to treat you?
I read all the posts including the link. As far as my conflict being with my father …if I am not mistaken Dolores mentions that her late husband was a hard man.
I was not an angel, maybe extremely lucky that the cops never got me.
What opportunities has Dolores given her son? lend him HIS used truck? send him $50…are you serious? She let him go to prison for God’s sake, why would he think that she loves him?
Each one of us think we have done the best that we can but in reality all we want is for people to be on our side to make us feel good about our selves…
“its not your fault bob that your kids are stuffed…society is stuffed”
"Kids these days are so disrespectfull…mustbe the movies "
Well hell no…its not the movies, and its not society but its US the parents, we reap what we sow, our children are mirrors of ourselfs whether we want to admit it or not.
She didn’t let him go to prison. He did something wrong and got caught. At what point do you stop protecting a child and let him start protecting himself?
Let me give you one of my stories: I was a nearly straight-A student in high school. Nothing lower than a “B” on my report cards. My first semester of college (living on campus and a couple hours away from them), I enjoyed the freedom of living alone. I partied, didn’t study like I should have, and in general just enjoyed myself. I was on full scholarship, though. Grades come in at the end of the semester. My GPA was a 2.96. I needed a 3.0 to keep my scholarship, so I was on academic probation (lost my scholarship for the next semester. Another GPA below 3.0 and I would’ve lost it for good.)
My parents didn’t bail me out (I didn’t ask and they didn’t offer). I had to get student loans to pay for my semester. They (and I) knew that I had to make and pay for my own mistakes. I never lost my scholarship again, and I paid those student loans off within a few months of graduation.
The fact that you were able to fight back after lapsing says a lot about your family about the way they brought you up…thats the point I am trying to make. We are products of our homes. The foundation to a healthy individual is his home and most of the problems a child has comes from there.
I did NOT lend him his used truck. It’s his truck and I put it in his name. I kept it in my driveway for 6 months and drove it periodically to keep it in shape while he was in JAIL, not prison. I sold MY motorcycle to buy him this truck when I kicked him out of the house. I kicked him out because he would not follow the rules I set down. The main one being DO NOT bring people into the house while I’m not home. That rule was created when one of his friends called a sex number and charged $75 on my phone bill. His friends are unsavory characters and I’m afraid they would think nothing of stealing from me. My son also stole money from me.
He went to jail because he would not stop smoking pot, and repeatedly failed drug tests. That’s part of why they revoked his probation. Another rule that he repeatedly broke was DO NOT bring pot into this house. I saw him sell some IN OUR DRIVEWAY!
Maybe I was not the best mother, and maybe his dad was very strict to almost abusive – BUT – I did my best to teach him right from wrong, and he has admitted to making the CHOICE to do the wrong thing.
Anyway— an update.
I got a collect phone call from Victoria County jail last night. It was Keisha! She had been arrested for shoplifting a drink, but of course, “it’s all a mistake.” She could not call David collect on a cell phone, so called me to get a message to him. I must have called his cell 20 times but he did not answer. I left a message or two, and held the phones together so she could leave him a message. She would be out in three days regardless, but could pay bond of $100 to get out now. But she has no money. But David does! He got some money yesterday apparently.
So I totally did the right thing. Nobody is in Mexico. My son isn’t in jail. They are on the way back. Maybe he’ll be able to sweet talk his way to keep his waiter job.
It’s not my fault, and it’s not my problem. And by the way, he knows I love him. He’s just pissed that I don’t spoil him any more. If I’m guilty of anything, it is bailing him out instead of forcing him to stand on his own feet.
You summed it up for me so nicely.
Do you have kids, ainigma?
yes 4 of them!! It is clearly stated in my posting…if you read it
President Bush, is that you?
Jeez. She didn’t LET him do anything…he made a choice to engage in behavior that would send him to prison. The End.
I’m sure **Dolores ** would be the first one to tell you that she was not a perfect parent (if there is such a thing). Problems like this guy has do not come overnight- there was likely a consistent pattern of covering up, excuses, and rationalizations that kept his bad habits funded, a roof over his worthless head, and validation for his criminal existence.
But he’s an adult. Even the least amount of common sense should tell him that his life path is self-destructive. It seems, from **Dolores’ ** posts, that he does realize it. If he chooses to go on this way, she should not have to hold his hand.
I had a big break from my parents a few years back- when I realized that I could not sacrifice my happiness for their expectations. I advise **Dolores ** to stop beating herself up, and make the best of her life. She should not have to suffer forever for her son’s choices. And if she has other kids, then separating them from their toxic sibling is the best thing she can do.
I would like to hear a response from the mother …is that how you really feel Dolores?
So at what point do you think you should start taking responsilibity for your own actions? Should Ken Lay of Enron’s parents be sent to jail instead, since it is their fault their son turned out so bad?
Some people are just assholes. Dolores Reborn’s son is an asshole (no offense Dolores, but it’s hard to say otherwise given the large amount of evidence you have provided). He can have no expectation of the right to completely screw up someone elses life as well as his own.
You know ainigma, I think your extrapolating your family dynamic and applying it unfairly to Dolores Reborn’s.
At some point in each of our lives, we must assume responsibility for our actions and ourselves.
I’ve known several adults who insisted on blaming all their current failures on their crappy childhoods.
As long as they were willing to play the blame game, they effectively absolved themselves from their bad choices.
I’ve also known people that have come from backgrounds that were truly horrific, done some serious self-examination and been able to build productive happy lives.
My father was, in many ways, a grade A asshole.
So what?
At some point, I stopped blaming him and stopped rebelling against him.
This allowed me to begin making decisions based on what I wanted and needed, rather than just reacting to what had been done to me.
From everything I’ve read, Dolores Reborn has tried to help her son-to the best of her financial ability.
She provided him with a place to live.
She provided him with a means of transportation that enabled him to earn a living for himself.
All she asked was that he adhered to a couple of simple rules-don’t do drugs in my home and don’t bring your fucked up friends around.
It was his choice to violate those rules.
Now he gets to live with the consequences of his bad decisions.
It’s called being an adult.
Do you know how the legal system works? Parents aren’t part of it.