That’s ridiculous, that’s obviously not the extent of our relationship- my point was that he said, don’t buy me a gift, I want BJs and massages. But we’re both very sexual and we have sex ALL the time (with reciprocated oral sex) and we give each other massages all the time. So I didn’t consider that much of a “gift” from me, either, because it’s something he pretty much already gets. But again, he told me not to buy him anything. So I didn’t, but I was plotting to, which is perhaps a nonissue.
When I need to go home to change before going to work in the morning, because I live in queens, he picks up the tab for the cab. When I can plan ahead and bring a change of work clothing, which is 80% of the time, I spend the night.
All this shouldn’t even matter, though! And I never said I didn’t want anything. In fact, I repeatedly ask him for a fish dinner, and for a mix tape of his music, so he knows damn well what I would like.
And the chocolate was very nice, and would have been a nice gift had he THOUGHT about it and BOUGHT it himself, but his client sent that to him! I thought I made my point, which is that he spent no time, money, or thought on a gift for me this Christmas. The fact that he stumbled into a box of chocolates and saved them for me to eat doesn’t constitute a gift, IMHO.
If you’ve been together for ‘nearly a year’ what happened about your birthdays? Gifts? No gifts? Not happened yet?
Also, are you sure the chocolates are from a client and he’s not just saying that to cover the money he spend. Maybe he did think about it a lot and thought they were best.
If you’re being upfront about things like the mix tape / fish dinner then he’s maybe just dense or doesn’t really care. But men can be pretty dense (well I can), if you’re being subtle maybe it’s going over his head. Maybe he has other problems with those things.
It’s clearly bugging you, you need to talk about it, but it’s entirely possible that he thought the chocolates were a decent gift given the circumstances.
Oh, and Liberal – while I think your point may possibly have some merit – congratulations on adding it in the most prickish way possible.
Excellent starting point for discussions with yourself and your boyfriend. If you feel that gift-giving on “standard” gift-giving occasions is important, but he feels it’s “artificial, forced, or contrived,” and won’t participate, then you need to think long and hard about whether this is the guy for you. It’s doubtful that either of you will change your basic feelings about how to observe the usual gift-giving occasions, and compromise on this point will probably leave at least one of you feeling resentful.
You’ve been dating for almost a year and you need to work up the courage to talk to him about this? Honey, you’ve got bigger problems than the fact he didn’t buy you a Christmas gift (which, by the way, is very weird). You didn’t happen to start dating him while he was still seeing the ex, did you?
Q: What did you get him for Christmas again…? Ummm… Nothing?
So…its Christmas morning…maybe the gift he bought for you is in a closet or under the sofa, hidden. And you show up at his door…empty handed. Might that not have seemed an awkward time for him to whip out your gift…the new IPOD wrapped in Macys wrapping paper (hypothetically)? In his head, maybe he’s wondering “was she traumatized at Christmas as a child? Did she pee on Santa’s lap and the humiliation scarred her for life? Did her Dad get stuck in a chimney and die in a Santa suit? Maybe she really doesn’t like exchanging gifts for Christmas.”
And as the days wear on…nothing. No hint of when to exchange presents. No “Hey, Steve, when do you want to exchange gifts…? Thursday good for you?” Could it be that maybe he’s thinking that you don’t want to exchange gifts? Could it be that he did buy you something, but when he saw that you brought him nothing (you always go to his place, right?), he might have either returned it to the store or have given it to his secretary…?
Ok, now vent at me with the rage 10,000 exploding suns for daring to think that saying something 2 weeks ago (or even today) might have resolved, or at least clarified the parameters of this problem.
“What’s wrong, nongoog?”
“Oh… nothing.”
PS- He Still may be an Ass to the 99th, but you’ll never know for sure unless you bring this subject up with him.
Next year, no later than December 15th, place your gift to him (neatly wrapped) on the coffee table with explicit instructions: “Don’t dare open this until Christmas morning”.
That worked for my sister, who once found herself in a situation similar to yours.
Well, for what it’s worth, I do think it’s strange that he didn’t buy you a gift for Christmas.
But if you don’t have any other beefs with him as a boyfriend, I wonder if he understood the the massages and BJs conversation to mean that you two wouldn’t be exchanging boughten gifts this year. Then, when he recieved the chocolates, he passed them on to you explaining that they were from a client, so you would know he hadn’t broken the 'no buying presents" rule he thought you two had established? In other words, this might be a simple misunderstanding.
What did he do for your birthday this year? And what did you do for his?
I once ordered a gift to a friend that never arrived. I was busy thinking she should at least say “thank you” and she was busy being angry that I hadn’t gotten her a gift. You seem to be assuming something about your boyfriend that may not be true. I think it’s worth a clear conversation with him to ask if he got you something, and if he didn’t to let him know that your feelings are hurt. Are there any good reasons not to do this?
PPS - If my post was over the top, it wasn’t meant to be. I sincerely hope the OP simply talks this out with her BF. He’ll either resolve the issue, or she’ll slam-dump his sorry behind. Either way will clear the road for the OP to move forward confidently with her life.
My husband and I don’t have fights over gifts and anniversaries and stuff, because we don’t play games with them. I say things like, “Hey, Jim, I really like this cd. I would like it as a gift for my birthday, which is in two weeks.” I don’t think we have had one fight or a moment’s worth of unpleasantness over forgotten gifts or events.
Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that you were expecting a Christmas gift from him, and you’re feeling disappointed that he didn’t buy you one. Tell him that gift occasions are important to you, and you expect gifts from him. Don’t make the poor guy guess and then get mad at him when he guesses wrong. I know women like to play a lot of games like this, but they won’t make you any happier. Getting what you want out of a relationship is what makes people happy, and you don’t get what you want if you don’t ask for it.
I read somewhat the same thing between the lines, but with a different intention. as he said “please don’t buy me anything,” he might have thought the obvious implication was “and I won’t embarrass you by buying you something after we have established that we aren’t exchanging gifts.” (or, upon preview, what Jess already said)
I have been in the situation where a friend and I had a very friendly conversation about NOT exchanging gifts and then later she handed me a gift, saying “oh, I know we weren’t planning to exchange this year, but I saw this and had to buy it for you” which is a very nice gesture on the one hand, but on the other, it made me feel like a complete dolt, and kinda cheap to boot.
John Carter’s suggestion for next year is an excellent one!
Likewise, when a friend of my fiancee’s had a birthday party and the the invitations expressly said “DO NOT BRING GIFTS” because she wanted, instead, donations to be made to an indie music society. Her birthday was held at a bar (rented for the evening) and she was pissed because everyone brought all kinds of crap she had to try to drag home at the end of the night. In any case, a couple guests gave us dirty looks when we arrived empty handed as per invitation instructions.
Hell if I weren’t married (and female) I’d marry you just for this!
Look, sounds like a communication issue to me. I wouldn’t make a huge deal out of it at all. He is probably trying not to embarass you, as he thought you didn’t have enough money to do an exchange. Next year around December, just say “You know what? I really missed having a fun “open the presents” thing last year TOGETHER. Let’s do that this year!!”