Hell, I’m new to this board, so I have no idea if this has been done or not, but here goes.
I dated a guy for 3 years. When I started dating him, he had money but wasn’t working. He told me he couldn’t disclose where his money came from due to a confidentiality agreement, and he had no interest in working because he didn’t have to. Fine. Then, half way through our relationship and a month before his rent was due, he was broke. I said he could move in with me, but he had to get a job so that he could pay rent. Cut to 14 months later. During that entire time, he told me he was looking for work. I FINALLY tell him I can’t afford to support him anymore and that I’m leaving. I find out that he hasn’t been working on finding a job this entire time, but I STILL feel guilty for leaving. I offer to pay his rent for a month so he has more options, in spite of giving him two months notice that I was leaving. He tells me he will pay me back for this, and help me to pay off the enormous credit card debt I racked up trying to pay $1,000 rent a month, bills and food on a $24,000 salary. So, I move to a new city. I finally e-mail him asking for some money, now that he’s working. He tells me he has talked to his family and doesn’t feel he owes me any restitution.
How the fuck could I fall for this? What on earth makes a woman stay with a man for 14 months, deluding herself into thinking it takes THIS long to find a job? I feel so goddamn stupid.
Therefor, I pit myself, and I appreciate the chance to rant.
Well, I don’t mean to blunt the edge of a perfectly good rant or anything, but y’know, when you care about somebody, it’s natural to trust them.
If you believe someone cares about you, it’s natural to assume that they don’t want to hurt you, and wouldn’t lie to you, and would follow through on what they promised you.
It really sucks when you turn out to be wrong on such a large scale, but I don’t think you should put too much blame on yourself for this. What did you do wrong? You cared for the guy, supported him for over a year, believed what he told you, and gave up only when it became clear that you couldn’t go on carrying the pair of you any longer, and he wasn’t being honest with you.
Paradoxically, the more you put all the responsibility for the outcome on yourself (“I’m such a fool! I should have known better!”), the harder it is to change. You seem to have burdened yourself with too much of the responsibiilty with him in the first place (“I’ll share my apartment with you; I’ll support you even if it drives me into debt; I feel guilty for leaving you, even though you’ve been consistently lying to me; I’ll lend you money”, etc.). And now you’re taking on all the responsibility for the consequences (“How could I fall for this? How could I be so deluded? I’m so goddamned stupid!”, etc.).
Hello, it’s not your responsibility to be an infallible lie detector. It’s his responsibility to behave like a decent human being. He blew it, not you. Yes, you can strive to be a bit more cautious in the future, but IMHO the first step is to get it very clear in your head where the real blame lies.
And in preview, yes, small claims court or whatever the Canadian equivalent is sounds like a good idea.
::kick:: Okay, consider your ass officially kicked in the Pit.
Look, as Kimstu said, it was a pretty understandable mistake. Yeah, it’s easy to look back at it and say “I should have known better,” but hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz. And it’s easy for someone looking in from the outside to say “what a stupid fool she was!” but most of us have done stupid shit in the name of love ourselves, so are inclined to be at least somewhat sympathetic.
You got played for a sucker. You figured it out and bailed. You would be amazed how many people would stay and continue to be a door mat. That is the good part. The bad part is, without some sort of hard proof - receipts etc, it may be impossible to prove in court that this guy was such a scumbag. He will probably lie and deny, and without proof you are sunk. Too bad it is illegal to send some goons after him. Don’t be too surprised if some day he turns up, swearing he has reformed and loves you blah blah blah. You have my permission to throw him down the stairs, repeatedly.
You tell us - what made you stay with this guy for 14 months? I’m being serious, and not trying to be mean here. I think it will help you in future relationships if you can look at this one and see what happened, and why you did what you did, so that you can avoid it in the future, rather than just calling yourself stupid. You must have had some reasons - no one does anything for no reason. Find out what your reasons were, and learn from them.
[QUOTE} Green Bean
::kick:: Okay, consider your ass officially kicked in the Pit.
Look, as Kimstu said, it was a pretty understandable mistake. Yeah, it’s easy to look back at it and say “I should have known better,” but hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz. And it’s easy for someone looking in from the outside to say “what a stupid fool she was!” but most of us have done stupid shit in the name of love ourselves, so are inclined to be at least somewhat sympathetic.[/QUOTE]
Hindisight is 20/20, but shouldn’t by bullshit metre have rung strong and loud with this one? I mean, I’m a fairy intelligent woman, yet I deluded myself into thinking he had my best interests at heart and tha he would never lie to me. I mourn this loss of innocence, and it sucksthat love blinds your better judgement so drastically. I hate that.
[QUOTE} SteveG1: “Don’t be too surprised if some day he turns up, swearing he has reformed and loves you blah blah blah. You have my permission to throw him down the stairs, repeatedly.” [/QUOTE]
I half expected this, but he’s apparently now enamoured of an ex of his, If he should come near me again, I will kick his ass down the stairs (I hope), and I’ll use you as my defence!
Featherlou, this is a question I’ve been wrestling with since I left. I think my only answer is that his family was unwilling to take responsibility for him, and I thought that if I left he would wind up on the streets. I couldn’t live with the guilt of that. I fell out of love with him long before I left, but I stayed out of some sort of misplaced sense of obligation. That, and I was scared to be alone. Moving to Calgary was a really scary move for me. I find myself in a new city, and recently out a relationship, I have no idea how to meet people. It’s profoundly lonely being on your own all of a sudden.
I’d love to know I’m not alone in this. I feel like a complete idiot for being so naïve.
Maybe it did but you were too distracted by the love of your life to notice? Seriously, I could have written something similar almost 16 months ago. It is a loss of innocence, but look at it as a lesson learned. You have to believe that people will take advantage. Yeah, there are some awesome people out there but not everyone is.
Okay, here: You are not alone.
I’ll try and keep this short: In October 2003 I left a man who I cared for deeply. I had lived with him since 2001 and despite it was me moving in with him because I needed a place and couldn’t afford to live on my own… I got taken for a ride. My heart got trampled upon, my credit messed with (not seriously, thank goodness, I am paying off the last bill this month). We lived paycheck to paycheck, mostly mine. I got dinged with all the bills, I paid for groceries etc etc. I got pregnant (not by him… long story), that was my wake up call. Oh I held on for a few more months hoping things would get better, but they didn’t. Finally I had to call up my Dad and he moved me out of there the next day. Now I have a son, and am rebuilding my life.
See? You are not alone in making that sort of mistake. But now you have to learn from it. Take a step back and breath, and think on this relationship. Figure out why you stayed and make mental notes out the wazoo so you don’t make the same mistake. And don’t feel guilty if he ends up on the street. He probably won’t, he’ll either find someone else to sponge off of or will get off his ass.
I don’t know what you should do about the money. What I did… I just left. I said screw it and I haven’t talked nor seen him 2003. I paid off the bills, even though he owed me half. To me it wasn’t worth it trying to fight for the money, my sanity is worth much more.
This is how I feel. I signed debt consolidation papers and baiscally wote off the debt as my own to pay, as a result of my own stupidity. It still sucks when I write that cheque every month though.
It would be HIGHLY inappropriate to e-maiool the woman he is currently courting, warning her of his assholeness, right? Merely seeking a reality cheque here,
Would it be inappropriate to email her? The word I would choose is ineffective. All this will do is give your ex an opportunity to say you’re deranged. She needs to see the light (or not) herself.
You’re not alone. I supported an ex throughout her Master’s degree, and she went off with someone else on the day of her graduation. Coincidental timing? I’ll never know. I had paid her next two months’ rent, too. I didn’t pursue restitution, wrote it off as a lesson in life dickery, and we now even have a friendly relationship.
Can you afford to take the financial hit he inflicted on you? If the answer is “yes”, then I’d advise, from the above personal experience, that you treat the money you “loaned” him as tuition fees for the class “Some People Behave Like Wankers 101” and move on.
