My Mother’s death still wakes me every night

Factual Questions
1

My mother died two and a half years ago after a courageous fight with breast cancer. For the last two months of her life, she was at home, cared for by my dad, the wonderful Hospice volunteers and me.

The night she died, we knew she was dying. She started the death rattle breathing about 5:00 PM. My Dad and I sat with her until about midnight, when my dad went to sleep next to her in their bed. About 3 AM I noticed her breathing had changed and I started to time the length between breathes. At 3:15 AM, I realized it had been four minutes since her last breath. I woke my dad and told him and we called the Hospice nurse.

Since then, I have awakened every night at 3:15 AM. I would like to sleep through the night but don’t seem to be able. Any advice?

Palikia

2

Have you considered seeing a psychologist to help you through your feelings?

3

I agree. Two and a half years is a long time.
Check with the hospital, and/or the hospice folks, about grief counseling.
Peace,
mangeorge

4

Another recommendation here for you to seek counselling, to help you sort out your feelings and memories around your mother’s death.

I know I listened for sounds like my own mum’s breathing for a few months after she died, but most of that’s passed over by now (it’s been a bit over 5 years).

All the best to you. May your good night’s rest return to you – you deserve it. You did everything you possibly could for your mother.

5

I can’t offer any advice, but I can tell you it’s not that unusual. My father woke up at the same time each night for years after my mother died.

6

We all react to death and dying differently. Some people even develop something close to a post traumatic stress disorder.

Your local hospice probably offers free support groups for people who have lost loved ones. Consider going. A good support group will give you a safe, comforting forum by which you can talk and listen to folks who have suffered similar trauma as you. By helping each other, you all can resolve your own issues and slowly move toward a more peaceful state of mind.

7

I notice that whenever I am suffering from minor depression, I will start to wake up near the same time each night. Of course, I can’t say this is what is happening to you, though I certainly see a link for myself. Best of luck as you deal with your mother’s death. Take care.

8

I keep thinking about you, Palikia. You haven’t posted since you opened this thread. I checked.
So how are you doing?
Peace,
mangeorge

9

To echo, see someone about this. That kind of pain needs the touch of a mental healer.

10

Not only go for counselling, but if your therapist thinks it might be helpful, consider seeing a psychiatrist for medication (depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, etc.), at least for a short time. It may be the case of all it needs is a little talk therapy, a little medicine (to make being happy even possible), you deal with the issues, and then you’re done.

11

The Hrdygrdywmn deals with many people having similar grief issues. If there is one thing I have learned from her, it is the importance of dealing with such problems promptly before they manifest themselves in other more harmful ways.

The good news is that within a few sessions, a decent psychologist can get you on the path to normalcy in no time. Grief is one of the easier ones to ameliorate.

If I were you I’d stay clear of the meds unless it was necessary. Sometimes it is, but sometimes they can delay treatment or make matters worse.

12

My local hospice offered free grief counseling and support groups. Meds alone IMO are not a good idea. Meds with talk therapy can be very helpful.

Is it just a quirk or is it actually altering your normal lifestyle? If it’s just a quirk, don’t fret so much. Everyone deals with grief differently.

13

Wow, I had forgotten this, but your question reminded me. About ten years ago, I was depressed and anxious about a relationship I knew was in its last days. Every night I would wake up at about 5 a.m. and could not get back to sleep. This never happened to me before or since. The relationship did end, but with that, so did the 5 a.m. wakeups, almost immediately.