That was on the label of the turkey I cooked last Christmas dinner. I wonder if they put all the causes of death on each and every turkey. I’d like to go down to the packaging plant one day and read all the labels. Oh the humanity.
“This turkey died of a heart attack while sitting at home and watching TV”
“This turkey was killed in a drive-by shooting by a rival chicken gang”
“This turkey died by misadventure in a sky-diving accident when his primary shoot failed to open”
“This turkey drowned while surfing off the Hawaiian coast”
“This turkey had a fighting chance–it was given a knife and turned loose on an island before being hunted down by a professional turkey hunter, also armed only with a knife.”
“This turkey acquired a taste for auto-erotic asphyxiation.”
“This turkey rolled his Bentley over the guardrail on Hwy 50.”
“This turkey did not know that she was allergic to peanut oil.”
“This turkey was set on fire and flung over a besieged castle wall.”
And this little turkey cried “wee-wee-wee” all the way home.
“This turkey had a chance, but after it fell in love with a chicken it chose to go to the chicken slaughterhouse with his love instead of living out the rest of his days without her. That would have been a fate worse than death.”
“This turkey died in the defense of a grateful nation.”
“This turkey died because he was shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. You give love a bad name.”
This turkey took a dry dive from a hotel room
This one hung himself from a cell in the tombs
This one jumped in front of a subway train
The last one one got slit in the jugular vein
That turkey, I miss it more than all the others,
I salute it, my brother
This turkey was bred for rapid weight gain rather than long-term viability, and died horrifically from various medical complications less than a year after its presidential pardon.
This turkey was all like “What’s the point? I can’t fly, I’m huge, I’ve got these ugly wattle things and I can’t even screw properly. Fuck it all.” Before it took an overdose, it called a turkicide hotline and by hearing a compassionate voice at the other end it received a new sense of hope and decided that maybe it would give life one more chance. Unfortunately later that day it was run over by an ice cream truck.
This turkey took LSD and jumped out of the turkey coop thinking he was SuperTurkey.
Since the turkey coop was only 18 inches off the ground, he was unharmed. So he tripped balls for several hours, came down, and then had his head chopped off.
After a life of devotion and service to the community, this turkey passed away peacefully at his coop of residence, surrounded by close friends and family. He is survived by his loving wife, 27 children, 19 grandchildren and 11 great-grandchildren. His spirit will be sorely missed. Brine for at least 5 hours prior to baking.
You guys are all awesome - gave me a laugh when I most needed it.