Straight men want to have gay sex with me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is a reoccurring thing for me. I’d really prefer it wasn’t.

I work in the trades and never come across other gay men unless they are customers. Same hold’s true for most the men I deal with. It creates a filter in which I’m the only gay man they feel they can talk to.

I’m rarely dealing with intellectuals on a job site. There is a lot of bigotry and ignorance out there. Homophobia is an ever present aspect of my life. I’m out. I try to correct ignorance as I come across it. I feel I manage to navigate the social complexities of this pretty well. Those who are hostile towards me do come around eventually and respect me. I believe that anyway, the other effect is men interested in exploring their sexuality seek me out rather then run away.

I find myself in the situation of having guys confess to me what they are unwilling to confess to anyone else. I didn’t sign up to be their keeper of secrets or their counselor. Part of me feels compassion for them, coming out wasn’t the easiest period of my life, another part of me wants to berate them for the homophobic notions they bring to the table, if I was more flamboyant they wouldn’t even be willing to talk to me.

Talking to guys about sexuality I have no issues with, its the personal interest in me that gets me uncomfortable. Closeted guys creep me out. The dishonesty with themselves and their partners really bothers me. I don’t want to be part of it. I have no interest in having sex with guys who are not openly gay.

I feel an obligation not to out anyone, and sometimes these guys share many of my peers, so I find myself with no one that I can talk to about this without inadvertently outing someone. I don’t think that’s very fair. So now I’m on a message board telling people about it as screwed up as that is.

The two instances that stand out the most:

A friend from high school. I’ve known him for at least 20 years. We occasionally talk, we weren’t particularly close anymore but we’ve known each other long enough, there was plenty of history behind us. He married a girl some time ago and the marriage fell apart more recently. Since then he’s found another women and has been pretty steady with her. My personal opinion is he’s an alcoholic. I’ve received drunk calls from him in the past.
Out of the blue he messaged me saying ‘I want to suck your dick.’ My response was ‘even if you’re serious that’s never going to happen’ Turns out he was serious. It’s something he’s always wanted to try. We talked for a while and I was pretty clear nothing would happen between us. He quit talking to me for a while.
Time went by we started talking again. We scheduled to meet up for lunch. That morning he messaged me asking if we could go back to his place afterwards and mess around, resulting in me once again affirming no way. He canceled on me, saying it was ridiculous that I’d turn down a BJ.
We ran across each other again, no mention of sex. Thought we had moved past that, then he asked messaged me asking about sex again and I responded ‘I don’t have time for this’ and haven’t talked to him since.

The instance that’s got me here now is with another guy. We’ve known each six years or so. We’ve talked a bit about his sexual interests. He has a thing for transvestites and chicks with dicks. He’s married with two kids. He is a very attractive guy and has numerous sexual exploits including cheating on his wife, who I also know independent of him. As I know him a little better then her, I’ve always kept anything he’s said to me confidential. She knows he’s cheated on her but to no idea what extent.
He had me over his house to do some work. While I was there we talked a bit and I had a moment of weakness I’m having trouble understanding now. I let him perform oral on me. It was everything I’d expect from a guy with no experience, no good, it ended with me telling him it’s not going to happen. That was it. I limited the reason to I can’t really be very turned on with out intimacy knowing he is very apprehensive about kissing and such. Our conversation was cut short with the return of his wife.
For me it was more of complete disgust at the situation I’d found myself in. I’d never felt shame before when it came to sex. I don’t know why I did it. It goes completely against many of the rules I’ve established over the years. I’m not against hooking up and am still willing to do so, just not like that.

This turned out longer than I expected I’ll just stop throw it out there as is and maybe come back to it. Felt good to just write it out.

2

I don’t think those are straight guys. :slight_smile:

3

I originally thought, based on the title, that the OP was a lesbian.

Probably because I have met a few lesbians that I definitely would have loved to have done.

4

I think that having conflicted men approach you is your burden to bear. You are obviously affable and open-minded. You present yourself in a manner that you say isn’t flamboyant, so that makes others identify with you easier. So you are a safe way for some to explore desires they wouldn’t otherwise articulate. There isn’t really anything you can do about that. Nor should you. You are bridge, in a way, and that is never, ever a bad thing in life. Because of that, you probably have a duty to talk to these men but not engage with them. You already know this. I think, given these lovely aspects of your personality, you have to hold yourself to a high standard. The last example you gave probably bothers you because this man seemed more conflicted or confused or vulnerable. Not sure. Maybe I am reading into that. So you can resolve again to go back to a hands off approach if it happens again. But, hey, a sexual encounter you regret? Human nature. Oops. Desires are hell to back away from sometimes. We all have at least three of those we regret…Forgive yourself.

5

What were you thinking, letting a married man perform oral sex on you?

(And, as the previous poster said, they were definitely not straight…)

6

Interesting that you feel this happens a lot. Do people confide in you a lot in general? Do you think people often see you as a safe, non-judgemental and kind person to talk to?

I can see how you don’t want to walk around with their problems weighing on you. But sheesh, imagine the strain these poor guys must be under. Makes me sad.

7

This guy has an almost, but not completely dissimilar issue

8

You are a legend in your own mind.

I had a gay friend that always thought the straight men who flirted with me were actually looking at him. It was never true.

9

I never seem to find an upside to being a bridge. I suppose if I wanted to blackmail people I’d have a long list of dirty secrets. Overall it just brings drama into my life with no benefit to me, I’d rather not get stuck with the responsibility.

When I was dealing with gay youth organizations it was rewarding. Offering a bridge to those who desperately want to accept their sexuality is a much different then dealing with those who want sex but desperately want to deny their sexuality.

This guy is actually one of the least conflicted or confused or vulnerable of the guys I’ve met in this way. He knows what he wants and is a hedonist more then anything. If it wasn’t me it’d be someone else.

My concern is more personal reflection. I had no need to get involved but I did. It was self destructive.

Maybe I’ll puzzle that out. Did I mention he’s really hot.

Why’s the fact he’s married have to be my responsibility? Shouldn’t people be responsible for their own marriages?

One of the aspects that always bothers me when guys confide to me is I come before their wives and girl friends. They’ve committed to a person but can’t bring themselves to talk about their most intimate feelings with them. It is sad.

People do tell me things they wouldn’t normally tell anyone, it isn’t just limited to closeted men. I describe this as happening a lot as it’s more then anyone else seems to deal with, but it’s still in single didgits.

Non-judgemental is a trait most people use to describe me. Things people say or do don’t tend to phase me or invoke a reaction.

The compassionate side of me emphasizes with their strain, yet my logical devil says wtf I managed to deal with this alone when I was 18, coming from a Mormon household, I didn’t burden anyone with secrets or pursue sex while closeted. These are grown men, why can’t they think about what the damage they’re doing and move the fuck on.

10

Interesting take. Did they suck his dick too?

11

I loved that article and was thinking about it when I wrote the thread title.

12

You read the part where one of them blew him, right?

13

You are one of the pillars of the internet.

14

I’ve listened to the Savage Love podcast enough to hear about the phenomenon of otherwise straight guys who apparently feel the need for some dick every now and again. And some gay guys apparently like some action with FTM transsexuals who still have vaginas (so, they look like dudes everywhere except between their legs).

Humans are strange animals and don’t always fit into neat black and white categories.

15

(my bold and italicization)

Very key word here: otherwise.

16

I may be wrong about this; in fact I hope I’m wrong about this:

The needle of my Truth-O-Meter is stuck at zero. It’s the most ubiquitous gay fantasy: to have sex with hot straight guys . . . and closeted construction worker-types are way up there. I think the OP needs to learn the difference between a fantasy and reality.

Like I said, I hope I’m wrong.

17

Well, I’m straight but I must say you’re making a pretty compelling case for yourself here.

18

An offer to perform oral sex is pretty unambiguous.

19

Humm. It’s not like straight guys have ever had a fantasy about having sex with hot lesbians or anything.

The reminds me, did I tell you about the time I walked in on two babes who were going at it, and they invited me to join them . . .

20

There is a strong connection to this with the two described. Both do have a genuine interest in women. I don’t think either are what I consider to be bisexual. Their interests are more kink. Even if they could escape their internalized homophobia I believe they’d still pursue long lasting relationships with exclusively women. Sexuality has a huge grey area that some people never explore due to our social cages.

In some ways I consider myself fortunate to have had heterosexual relations because it clearly establishes that straight sex isn’t for me. I don’t have to question that because I know from first hand experience.

I identify peoples sexuality as what they tell me it is even though their actions can be quite contrary to it.

I wish this aspect of my life was the realm of fantasy, it would be much preferred to the sick to my stomach feeling of having to live with lies of omission. I talk to this guys wife. I occasionally have dinner with them. If asked directly about her husband, I don’t think I could lie to her and that terrifies me.

Straight guys are not a fantasy of mine. I like good sex and real intimacy that’s something they can’t provide.

People doubting my honesty is something I rarely encounter in life, but I do here. It’s is very frustrating to me, and I have snapped at people for it in the past. It makes sense in the world of the internet and especially on this message board to be skeptical.

You are one of the posters I do have a lot of respect for and if I could eliminate
your doubt I would.