007 Villain Hideouts

Cafe Society
1

You’re an aspiring super-villain in the market for a world-class base of operations. Which Bond villain hideout do you choose?

Dr. No’s Crab Key Island
notable features: creepy reputation with locals; flamethrowing tank patrol; laser death trap/ vintage strap-down bondage table

Goldfinger’s Kentucky Estate
notable features: Reversible rising floor platform with scale model of Fort Knox/pool table; veranda with Pussy Galore; stables with Pussy Galore; did I mention Pussy Galore?

Blofeld’s Japanese Volcano Rocket Base
notable features: indoor transit system, prison cells, footbridge above pirahna pits; much firepower, including

Blofeld’s Alpine Clinic
notable features: hangs off cliff; helicopter and cable lift accessible; excellent public address system; great shuffleboard, exceptional skiing

Blofeld’s Vegas Casino
notable features: convenient gambling; VIP suites; outdoor elevator (top or inside); spacious penthouse; more whores than any other Bond villain location

Scaramanga’s Fantasy Island
notable features: Funhouse of death traps with a variety of weapons; life sized Roger Moore wax statue; private docking bay; on-staff dwarf assassin/chef

Stromberg’s Submersible Atlantis
notable features: It’s ATLANTIS! It’s SUBMERSIBLE! elevator trap door / shark feeding tank; all the seafood you can eat; world’s best fish tank

Drax’s Orbiting Space Station
notable features: space shuttle, access only, laser array defense system, ambiance nicely assuages God complex; living quarters to build new human race

Octopussy’s Desert Oasis
notable features: Orientalist decor; circus performers; many, many, many, many, MANY beautiful and troubled women lounging around

Rank your top three picks.

2

The more beautiful but troubled women the better, I always say, so of course I would choose 1) Blofeld’s Alpine clinic; 2) Octopussy’s Desert Oasis (actually, that was an island in a tropical part of India, IIRC, but whatever), and 3) Goldfinger’s Kentucky estate, with the Pussy Galore option (“Poosy”, sez Mr. Bond).

3

Crab Key Island

Scaramanga’s Fantasy Island

Wasn’t there a cool one on an oil rig? If not I’ll take Atlantis.

4

Diamonds Are Forever: Blofeld’s secret base is aboard a fake oil rig, whereupon he will beam commands to the satellite laser cannon in order to blackmail world leards.

My choices are:

  1. Atlantis, dude. No two ways about it. Awesome view, all the seafood you can eat, and good luck, prison escapees. You’re gonna need it. Downside: total lack of defensibility, once the good guys figure out your street address. One or two torpedoes, and you’d better hope the route is clear to your escape submersible.

  2. Drax’s orbiting space station. Even better view, and instead of dropping annoying people into the shark tank by pressing a button, you can drop them into outer space and laugh at them while they burn up on re-entry! Downside: even harder to hide than an underwater megabase… and who would have thought the British just happened to have a whole fleet of heavily armed space shuttles on standby?

  3. Blofeld’s Casino/Hotel. No other Evil Genius Base Of Operations has the profit potential of this one. And the hookers are a plus, too. And when the good guys show up in force, just hustle out the rear exit to your Secret Escape Limo, and lose them in traffic! Downside: you’d have to let the IRS monitor your ground floor and your books. Eesh. I bet all the other Evil Geniuses would laugh at you for having to put up with this…

5

Eeeeesh. Make that:
Diamonds Are Forever: Blofeld’s secret base is aboard a fake oil rig, whereupon he will beam commands to the satellite laser cannon in order to blackmail world leaders.

Where IS my brain this morning?

6

Thinking about all that seafood, no doubt.

On second thoughts I’ll take Atlantis over the oil rig, the rig was cool but not that cool.

7

Actually, I’m pretty sure it was the Americans, with a single shuttle launching from Vandenberg with a lot of heavily armed astronauts.

Or are you talking about the book?

8

Maybe not quite what the OP asked for, but what about that (heavily) modified oil tanker in The Spy who loved me? It has an internal transit system, is mobile, has a decent enough camera system in the main bay, bulletproof shielding for the command section and best of all, can carry and deploy up to three full sized submarines with apparently no ill effects.

It deserves at least an honorable mention.

9

What about Zorin’s Estate (View to a Kill)? Horse track and steeplechase grounds, well-stocked underground chemistry lab and unexplained assembly line, nice collection of vintage cars, blimp access, and Grace Jones for martial arts lessons and angry lovin’.

Too out in the open?

Personally, I’d go with Scaramanga’s Fantasy Island, but I’m giving Tattoo his two-weeks’ notice. That dude’s just creepy.

10

One thing I notice about all the hideouts is they all have that same open stair aluminum staircase. I think it appears in every Bond movie, although I haven’t verified this. I know where it is in Diamonds are Forever, You Only Live Twice, The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker, Live and Let Die, and Goldeneye. I need to see the others again to confirm my theory.

11

Maybe all Bond villians have the same contractor? :smiley:

12

That last bloated piece of crap Bond film had the villain’s lair being a house constructed out of ice.

I don’t think it had an open aluminum stairwell.

13

They all shop here.
http://www.villainsupply.com/index1.html

14

Problem is, all of these require such a massive investment of capital. The real challenge would be designing a starter hideout for the enterprising young villain with a limited budget. Say, Doctor Malvolio’s Suburban Office Park of Doom . . .

15

Hmm, tough decision… do they all come standard with a convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism? (I see runner pat beat me to the link but I still had to ask.)

16

I’m torn between Piz Gloria and Drax’s space station. Though the An-225 in Die Another Day is sure a contender.

17

You left out Janus’ Super-Cool Armored ICMB Launcher Train (with helicopter landing pad and tank-squishing ability) from Goldeneye.

Personally, though, I’d take Largo’s Discovolante, the super-yacht that came complete with first-strike capability and a scantily-clad Kim Basinger, from Never Say Never Again (aka. Thunderball mark II)

18

Heck, as long as there’s room for hundreds of men to stage a huge gun battle, I’m cool.

19

Maybe it’s time for me to go to bed. I read this and was thinking “I don’t remember the part about Blofeld blackmailing leopards.”

20

You realize that all these hideouts are the reason why Bond villains lose. Not only for obvious reasons, like their putting secret passages everywhere with specially reinforced ventilation ducts that can handle people crawling through them, or surrounding yourself with sexy women who will fall for the hero and betray you. But also because they’re just too expensive to run.

If they ran their enterprises from an office they rented downtown in a major city, their expenses would be much less and they wouldn’t have to cut corners on any death rays and could stick with smaller scale plans. If they have a need to impress visitors, they can do what successful world dominators have done and rented a floor in Trump Towers or the like.

Of course, they can’t cheap out, either. They might be tempted to just set up shop in an abandoned warehouse, but in that case Batman would come along to ruin their plans.